...all is well.

Have you ever read a book you didn't want to finish just because the story wasn't writing the way that you had hoped?  I'm reading one of those right now and I'm rather disappointed.  I'm especially disappointed because it is the final book of a four book series by one of my favorite authors, who usually ends her stories just the way that I had been hoping they would end.  The main character relies on their faith to overcome whatever life obstacle had been placed in front of him/her, God has worked the seemingly impossible situation out for good, and of course, the right boy falls in love with the right girl and they end up together.  Sigh.  Bliss.  Life is beautiful and all is well.

But in this case, it does not seem as though the right boy will fall in love with the right girl.  Or, at least, who I deem to be the right boy and the right girl.  This story has been set up for years in several previous books from other series.  Several moments in this particular series have even set up the reader to think that these two people are meant for each other.  That God has been writing their story for ages and now, it's time to see it come to fruition.  Except, that's not what is happening right now.  She fell in love with someone else.  People keep telling him that she wasn't the right girl for him.  She keeps saying she thinks of him as a brother.  He enjoyed a date with someone else.  NO!  Stop it!  I'm too invested to let go of the their young love that was so pure and amazing.  What is going on here?

I'm the kind of person who believes that good love stories take time.  I think that the most romantic stories are the ones where they loved and lost and then found each other again years later after having lived and matured and developed a knowing about life.  Or when he likes her for forever and they're just friends, but then, he meets someone else and she realizes what she could lose...and she almost does lose him.  But then, he realizes it's always been her and runs back to her arms.  The Notebook, Anne of Green Gables, The Time Traveler's Wife...these are the romantic stories I love.  I was really hoping that this was one of those.  But it is just not turning out that way.  Bummer.

Of course, maybe the bigger issue here is that I'm so emotionally invested in characters from a book.  As if we were friends.  Oh well.  Sometimes it helps to get me through the day.  And sometimes I think God uses stories like these to teach me a lesson about something that is relevant in my life.  Like the fact that even if it doesn't all turn out the way that I see it, that He is still the author of my perfect story.

Right now, as I read this love story that's not turning out the way I'd hoped, I'm considering my own love story and the potential that there may be something brewing there.  It has been taking time.  A lot of time.  And there's no guarantee that the time it's taking means that it's actually leading anywhere.  This could just be a drop in the bucket, meant to teach me a lesson and get me to the next place in my life so that I can be ready for my real love story.  I guess I never considered that going through my own time-taking love story could be so frustrating and faith-testing.  Who knows where this will lead?  But, I do know that knowing this person has grown me and taught me so much.  Here are some of the things that knowing him has taught me:

• I can trust in God's assessment of a person and the intuition He's given me to identify when it's a good assessment.
• My silliness, awkwardness, and just the person that I am is attractive...and I really don't have to be anything else.
• There really are unmarried handsome, intelligent, Godly, mature, TALL, athletic, humorous, witty, respectful single men in their 30s still out there.
• I am worth taking the time to get to know and not someone to be swept off her feet with no regard for the condition of her heart.
• I am also worth the honesty it takes to tell a girl his reasons for not pursuing me in the way he would like to...as I watch his face express his own disappointment...instead of disregarding this and sweeping me into something doomed from the start.
• Respect matters to me.  Both that I respect him and that he respect me.
• I'm not alone in the season of life that I'm currently in.
• I can trust God and where He leads my heart.

I know that God has purpose in my meeting this man.  But like the book I have been reading, maybe it isn't going to end the way that I had my heart set on.  Maybe God is leading my heart away and letting go is an ok thing.  Maybe this was just a season of healing to renew and revive a very wounded heart.  Or maybe, it's my own love story, taking the time it needs to make it's way to the permanent pages of my heart.

I know that God always has my best interests at heart and means to do me no harm.  If that is truth, then being with this man at this point in our lives would do both of us harm.  I have to trust in God's vision and the fact that He can see the entire canvass, not just my little corner.  Trusting God like that has been so hard!  I often find myself slipping back into the same fears of rejection, loneliness, and that I don't deserve to be with a man like this.  If he is the man for me, then God will work it out.  And if he isn't, then God will lead the way.  I have to trust in God.  God is continually bringing me to my knees as He works it out.  I have no where else to go.

Regardless, God will work it out.  Even if the characters in this book end up with other people, the author will show how she saw that it was God's best for them.  And everything they went through before brought them to the point where they saw God's leading on their lives and how His vision was so much better than the pieces they could see.  So it will be ok that they moved on from their young love, pure and joyous as it was.  Sometimes God does move us on from good things for better things, even though the moving piece is usually painful.  I just can't wait to find out what God has for me as He writes my love story that I've prayed for since I was a young girl.  He could be writing it right now with this man.  Or He could be writing this chapter of my love story so that I will have an open heart for the man God has for me.  Either way, I believe that God will end my love story the same way.

Sigh.  Bliss.  Life is beautiful and all is well.

intentionally thankful

Happy Easter! I hope you have been celebrating the resurrection of Christ with those you love. Here in Connecticut, we have lovely spring weather to go along with the celebratory feeling of the holiday. Thank you God for sunshine!

As a holiday, I think Easter runs a close second to Christmas for me. Mostly, because of the faith aspect of it all. As much as I love Cadbury Eggs, I love the feeling of church on Easter morning, the hope God brings with spring, and the knowledge that I have been saved through the ultimate sacrifice and miraculous resurrection of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. How can I not feel joyous with that knowledge?

Easter brings to a joyous close the season of lent, a time for pause and reflection that builds up to the death and resurrection of Christ. In the past, I have used that time to give up something in my life to help me rely on the strength and love of Christ instead of drawing on that one thing to help me. I have done the extreme (basically becoming vegan for lent) to something more simple and logical (I gave up purchasing clothes for lent one year). This year, I decided that instead of taking something away, I would add a ritual. For lent this year, I did my best to write in my journal to thank God for one thing and one person that God has blessed my life with. Each day of lent, I thanked God in my journal as I began my day. I wasn't perfect, but I was able to fill each day that I wrote with something and someone different that I was thankful for. It ranged from being thankful for having a job to being thankful for a sunny morning to being thankful for the ability to run. And for each day of lent, I was able to thank God for a different person in my life. I may have repeated a few people once or twice who had specifically blessed my life, but I had someone new to be thankful for on each day of lent. That's a lot of people! God has certainly blessed my life with some amazing relationships and friendships.

I learned a lot from this exercise. First, that I clearly have a lot to be thankful for. I continue to wonder about God's timing in my life and why things are the way they are when I so desire them to be something else. But truthfully, everything in my life is as it should be. I may not understand it all, but God knows what He's doing. I was reminded this lenten season that God has already brought me so far. A year ago, I didn't have a full-time job where I was earning valuable experience in my field...not to mention health insurance and paid holiday time off! A year ago, I hardly had friends in Connecticut and now I often have people to do things with. A year ago, I still wasn't singing in any capacity or a place where I felt comfortable to worship and now I've sung at my church three times and I have a regular rotation on the worship team. I have been so blessed by God's perfect timing in helping these things come to be. In the meantime, I've also had so many wonderful opportunities to build stronger relationships with my family in the area. I'm thankful for living with my parents to have the opportunity to get to know them in a new way and develop a stronger relationship with them. I'm thankful for being able to spend time with my sister on a regular basis and become better friends as adults. I'm thankful for all the ways I get to be an auntie.

During this season, God has also reminded me in many ways that I'm still the same me. I've said it before, but sometimes I feel as though since moving back to Connecticut, I've been trying to regain pieces of my self. Somewhere along the way, I compromised who I am for the happiness of someone else. I also sometimes have difficulty retaining hope in the dreams that make me me when I wonder if they will ever come into being. But, God has created me to be exactly the way that I am and He desires for me to stay strong in that woman and to hang on to those dreams and desires because He created me that way. I've never broken a bone, but I imagine the healing process is pretty painful. I feel as though this scattering of self is like I broke a significant bone in my body. I haven't been able to fully function because I haven't had it's full strength back again. The healing process is painful and is taking longer than I expected, but, it's getting there. And I'm thankful for God's guidance and constant reminders of His love and faithfulness along the way. I'm getting stronger with each day.

There were of course several days when it was difficult to find something to be thankful for. But those were the days when I learned to lean on God and surrender my struggles and questions to Him. It wasn't long before I was thanking Him for holding my hand, allowing me space to cry, and for forgiving me in all my doubts.

My original goal in being intentionally thankful to God was to be happier and more satisfied in my life, regardless of the season I was in and the one I wished I was in. I would say that I accomplished that on many levels and I have been an all around happier person with a more positive perspective on some things I have been negative about in the past. There are still days when I wish I could better relate to my friends who God has blessed with marriages, children, steady careers, houses, and lives that look more glistening to me than my own. But that's just a part of life. And even when I someday move on from this season of life, I'm sure there will be something else a friend or family member is experiencing that I wished I was a part of. I constantly forget to be thankful for exactly what God has given me and instead see the shimmering outside of a friend's life without also seeing the refining that God is doing in their life. And I will constantly be reminded to seek God for reassurance that He is with me in my own journey, regardless of what He is doing in others around me.

But more important than reaching my original goal, I think God really showed up and reminded me of the pureness of His love for me and that He cares deeply for the small things in my life. One theme that has replayed over and over throughout this season of lent is that everything is as it should be. God's timing is perfect and even when, or better yet, especially when life seems to be progressing slowly, God is working at the perfect pace. It doesn't make the waiting easier, but it certainly has reminded me that all is not out of control but that God is working for my good because He loves me...as is, nothing more, nothing less.

I want to end with an excerpt of a devotional a friend recently sent to me from the Streams in the Desert Devotional:

Don't steal tomorrow from God's hands. Give Him time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never late—learn to wait.

He never shows up late; He knows just what is best;
Fret not yourself in vain; until He comes just REST.

Never run impulsively ahead of the Lord. Learn to await His timing—the second, minute, and hour hand must all point to the precise moment for action.

As I am waiting, I continue to look forward to what is next in my life. I want to continue being thankful for all the ways God is present in my life on a daily basis. I continue to need strength to mend what has been broken in my life and the peace to know that it's ok for healing to take so long. God is good and I can be here writing that because of the sacrifice of His only son. Hallelujah!

single roots

Sometimes, someone else can say more eloquently what I would like to say. My favorite Bachelor Recap blog writer posted this on the SingleRoots blog website...which I just discovered when I read this post. There is much truth in what she says.

http://www.singleroots.com/singled-out-for-being-single/

P.S.~Just added this site to my favorites. The knowledge that other people struggle with similar questions, emotions, and reassurance found again and again in a God who loves is soothing and another way God speaks.

I Won't Give Up

I just discovered this new song by Jason Mraz. While he is singing it to his love, I feel like sometimes I need to hear these words from the God who loves me. I flip the words from God's perspective to my own and it' s just what I need to hear. Especially when life feels a little bit hopeless and I'm not strong enough to stand on my own, I just need to know that there's a God who won't give up on me. And neither will I give up on God.

transition out, stability in...it's all a part of the plan

Happy New Year! I'm sad that I missed putting up a Christmas post. I thought about it almost every day for the past month and I had a lot of thoughts I wanted to share. But with the busyness and the excitement of the season, it just didn't happen. So, I'll try to combine my Christmas thoughts with my New Years thoughts and we'll see what happens. Ready, go...

Saying a New Year always has hope in it. 2012. Nothing much has happened in the last 48 hours, so there is a lot of hope that only good things will come with the new year. Every year, I feel that way. Who knows what surprises could be around the bend? Even though I have a more clear idea of what life could look like this year, I feel just as open to possibilities as I did when 2011 was the new year. Of course, a year ago, I was completely a blank slate. Looking back, I am amazed with all God did in my life in 2011. A transitional year for sure, but pretty amazing stuff. A full time job with benefits. New friends. Stronger relationships with my family. A church that surprises me that I want to be a part of, but where there are definite opportunities for growth both internally and externally. A sense of peace in that I actually want to stay living here instead of always feeling like someday I'll move away. Lots of good.

Of course, there were so many struggles in getting to these places. When I first moved back east, I truly thought God would lead me back to an urban setting. I do love living in a city, but I don't feel called to look for opportunities in that setting at this moment. I feel as though I'm right where I should be. Getting that full time job took some time, but God set it all up perfectly and when the right opportunity came along, I just knew that it was what God had for me. Finding friends has been tougher for me, but I have met some amazing women here and I continue to find God's blessings in unexpected friendships. All of this has helped me feel more stable in my life here. I hope that 2012 continues to help me settle and feel peace about the path God has led me on.

When 2011 started, I began most of my days asking God, "What the crap is this? What are you doing with my life?" Nothing seemed to be right and there didn't seem to be an outlined plan to anything. As Christians, we always seemed to be talking about "God's plan" and there just didn't seem to be one. Honestly, some days I still feel like this. There are several ways that I have seen a plan in my life...imprints on the greater blueprint that began to make sense. But there are still some on my particular blueprint where it's difficult to always see why God would put a wall in the middle of a room...or something else that makes no sense at the initial glance. I know that there's purpose somewhere in that wall, but I can't see it yet. And it's difficult to keep trusting in the overall plan instead of always focusing in on the one wall that seems really out of place.

A week before Christmas, the sermon at church gave sort of a mini-lecture on the astronomy that surrounded the time period of Christ's birth, what may have been the star of Bethlehem, and how we can figure out exactly when Christ was born. It was a fascinating sermon and I learned a lot about the stars. I usually find sermons like that interesting where some obscure texts in the Bible can possibly be explained. In this case, it was text from Revelation 12 connected to the pattern in the stars surrounding Christ's birth. Whether this is the correct interpretation or not, I'm not sure, but this interpretation seemed to make sense. The pastor's point was that God even arranged the stars to tell the good news of Christ's birth. That it was no mistake that the sky told the same story of what was happening on earth. That it was no mistake that Mary and Joseph fled to Egypt, the same place that the Israelites had been led out of all those years ago. That nothing about the birth of Christ was accidental. It was all in the plan.

I really took comfort in this as very often this year, I have felt like my life is not a part of any plan. That God had forgotten about me and was just letting my life go, building walls and staircases whichever way he pleased, just because he could. After this sermon, I have thought to myself several times how often Mary must have felt like I do. How many times did she feel like saying, "What the crap God? I'm only 13, I've never had sex, and I'm pregnant! What the crap is that about?" Or, "What on earth? This is Your son and we have to flee to Egypt of all places? What are You doing here? What is Your plan?" Of course, maybe Mary had more faith than I do and never thought those things or felt like saying them, but if I were her, I probably would. And in hindsight, of course I can see God's plan in Mary's life and how important it was that everything happen just the way that it should. All the walls and staircases in her blueprints had purpose and Mary hung pictures and painted without question. Somewhere she was able to hold onto faith that it was all a part of God's plan.

This year, that is what I would like to do. I'm such a woman of questions and I'm no different when it comes to my relationship with God. But this year, I want to have more faith that no matter what happens, it's all a part of the plan. Someday, I'll see that the wall had purpose. Maybe God builds walls so that he can design the room behind it without me peeking and ruining the surprise before he's ready to remove the wall and join two rooms. Or maybe that staircase to seemingly nowhere leads to the most amazing attic I've ever seen. As I'm walking through my "house"' I can only see each room and each stair as it is now. But God, my God, sees the whole blueprint and knows exactly what I need. I pray that my faith in 2012 will grow as I trust God with His plan for me.

blessings and gratefulness

It's been a year.

One year ago on Thanksgiving week I packed myself up from Colorado and drove back to the east coast to start over.

I made it.

Of course, to say that "I made it" implies that I finished something. Being here for a year doesn't mean I've finished anything. In fact, far from it. There is still so much more life to live! And I'm glad that I get to do it here. For so long, I had been saying that I wanted to move back home. For six years of my time in Chicago I would consistently say, "This is it. This is the year I move back home." And then I wouldn't. And then I moved to Colorado. But now, finally, I get to say that I'm living on the east coast again near my family. I'm here and I don't plan on leaving anytime soon.

There have been so many ups and downs over the past year, both personally and professionally. But mostly when I think of all the past year has brought me I think of how grateful I am for all the blessings God has given me in the midst of difficult moments and constant transition. For starters, I am so blessed to have parents who have the means to take me back in and help me get back on my feet. They have been amazing supports for me both financially and emotionally. While moving back in with my parents after being independent for so long wasn't the easiest thing for me to swallow, my parents have made it easy for me and for that I am very grateful. Not having to worry about paying rent, utilities, buying groceries, and refurnishing an apartment has been one of the biggest blessings of the year. Instead, I have been able to focus my mental and emotional energies on finding a job in my field, relationally adjusting, and stabilizing myself in general. I cannot thank my parents enough for just providing me with my basic needs.

I have also been blessed by God in His provision for income. When I left Colorado a year ago, I was completely unemployed and unsure of where my next paycheck would come from. Over the year, God has provided me with four different jobs here in Connecticut. And now that I think of it and look back, He provided very quickly. JCrew helped me out during the holidays last year and by the end of January, I was employed by two mental health agencies in the area and I could afford to pay my monthly bills. Less than six months later, I was hired to be full time at one of those agencies in a clinical position. It's not the job I had expected to have or one that works with a population I anticipated working with. But God has blessed me in placing me in a very good position within the agency during a time of growth. The program I work for is the only one of its kind in the state of Connecticut. We are leading the way when it comes to residential facilities structured specifically to work with teens with autism spectrum disorders. I am learning a lot and my clinical experience is growing exponentially by the day. The work definitely isn't easy and I'm very much looking forward to the break Thanksgiving provides, but I am very grateful and blessed in how God has placed me. I'm excited to see where He might lead me next.

I have also been very blessed by people in my life. I sometimes think that you don't know how blessed you are by the people in your life until you hit a point where you really need others to be there for you. A year ago I was so at a point where I felt as though I had nothing. I felt like God scraped away all that was to have the opportunity to start fresh with me. And God built me up again by using my friends and family to provide for me what I needed when I needed it. One friend provided me with money right when I most needed it. It is such a humbling feeling to really need financial help and I was truly blessed by her gift. The money she provided lasted exactly until I had work to provide for myself again. I was blessed by friends who opened their houses to me on my road trip back. Thank you for all the meals, beds, and joyous company you provided on my emotional trek back east. I have been blessed by friends on the east coast. Moving someplace can be so lonely and I have been so blessed by the friends I have out here who have reconnected with me. I know we're busy and it's difficult to get together, but thank you for just being close by. It helps to know you're near. I have been blessed by friends who encouraged me to participate in Bible studies and who have called me to check in and who have pursued me to visit them and have visited me. I was so angry and far from God a year ago. I couldn't have gotten to this point without your spiritual encouragement and emotional support. God is so good in His provision!

Finally, I think God has most blessed me with restoring my hope. Life is most difficult without hope. A year ago, I had little hope and little faith that anything in my life could be restored again. But it has been. God has restored so much and most of all, my hope that there is still more to come. That even though this season of life hasn't turned out to be anything like what I had anticipated it to be, that I still have hope for things to come. God has been so good to me in just one year and I cannot wait to see what He could bring in the next.

I love being on the east coast. I cannot imagine being anywhere else. I love being near my family. I have been able to reconnect and grow closer with them over the year. I love that when we have a birthday party or my sister decides to have people over for breakfast at the last minute, I can just hop in my car and be there. I can't imagine life any other way.

Thank you for all your prayers over the year. I am blessed by and grateful for you...

in every season

All of my life

in every season

You are still God.

I have a reason to sing.

I have a reason to worship.

~"Desert Song" by Hillsong

I have been listening to this song quite a bit lately and have been trying to consistently remind myself that God is still God no matter what else is going on in life. In a season where life can sometimes feel up one second and down the next, it's good to have a reminder that God is still constant, no matter what.

I have been contemplating this as the month of November creeps up on us and I have been realizing it is the year marker of some significant events in my life. Losing my job at the temp agency on November 1st. The decision to move home after three years in Colorado. The end of a significant relationship. And finally, my actual move back to Connecticut. I know that it's not quite a year yet (I'm sure I'll have plenty to say when those dates hit), but for some reason, I feel a sense of dread as November approaches. So much has happened in the past year and yet, I still feel as though I am in the same "season" of life. I'm still in some sort of figuring out stage where life doesn't quite feel stable yet.

I've started to wonder if life will ever feel "stable" again. It seems that every time I think that life has gotten consistent again, something else changes and I have to re-evaluate where I'm at and what I want for myself. One thing I know I want for myself is to continue living on the east coast. I love living here. Yesterday it was a beautiful day out and I just upped and went to the beach. I love that. I love the rolling hills and the changing colors in the leaves. I love being close to family and getting to be a part of things with them. So for now, at least that piece of my heart is stable. I no longer feel pulled to try and move my life somewhere else like I did for much of my time in both Chicago and Colorado. I'm home. And that feels right and good.

The other pieces of my life don't necessarily feel as though they've come together quite yet. And I know this takes time, but it is difficult to wait. Especially when I look around and see that many of my friends are experiencing pieces of life that I have not been blessed with yet. Or when I get frustrated with my job and realize that I really don't know what I'm doing and every day I feel as though I just have to wing it. Or when I again realize that I can't afford an apartment on my own quite yet. Or when I realize that my life is unbalanced and I just want to sing again in order to have an outlet that is unrelated to other areas of my life. When I spend time thinking about these things, I feel unstable again. I get worked up over things God has blessed my friends with and not me. I feel alone and unwanted. I feel frustrated and entitled. Haven't I followed God with my whole heart? Haven't I prayed enough over these things to receive some answers and direction? Haven't I, Lord? Aren't I just as deserving as the next person? What gives?

But in all this change, transition, instability, God has remained the same. I spent most of this winter being out right angry with God for the way life had turned out for me at that point. I spent the spring reconciling with God and finding beauty in new beginnings. I spent the summer hoping for things new and exciting and reveling in change. And now that it's fall, I find myself reflecting on where I've been over the year and wondering how God will take this season to the next. I think it's perfectly normal to ask these questions of God, but why would I continue to dwell on them when I know and have seen God to be the only true and stable thing in my life over the past year? Even when I was kicking and screaming at God, I was told to trust Him. When I was apologizing and crying out for help, He told me to trust in Him. In hope and prayer, again, trust in God alone. And now that I'm reflective and wondering where this year has really gotten me anyway, I'm reminded to trust in God. He has it. He knows best. How can I doubt the one truth that has been consistent in my life and provided for me every step of the way?

I do have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship. In every season of my life, God has been stable and there for me. And He's always working, even now, to bring me to the next season that awaits me when this one is over.