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Saturday, May 12, 2018

longing

I always have mixed emotions about Mother's Day weekend.  If you know me well, then "it's complicated" pretty accurately describes it.  Loss of biological mother relationship.  Grateful and Love for a mother who is "stepmother" by blood only and my true mother in every other sense of the word.  Longing for the children that have not yet been born to call me mother.  Complicated set of emotions?  Yup.

The past few days have really rubbed some salt in that last wound.  Please hear me out entirely...I'm not upset by the recent birth & pregnancy announcements.  Babies are a beautiful thing and I feel genuine happiness for my loved ones who get to experience this beautiful phase of life.  But, these emotions are complicated.  Hearing about how it's true for others also exacerbates the wound of longing for what has not yet come to be for me yet.  Whether you're longing for the same things or longing for something else to break and bend in your life, I know this is a feeling many can relate to.

How do you cope with the longing and waiting and not having answers?  In the past, I have leaned on my faith in God.  Not to say that I'm not now, but with each year, it becomes more difficult and more painful.  How do you reconcile a loving God who continues to allow the longing to go unanswered?  I hear stories of others who have seen God's faithfulness in one way or another but for me, nothing.  No response.  No change.  No reconciliation of the longing.  Even a change for what I'm hoping for in my life would be some sort of response from God.  Some kindness and acknowledgement of the pain that continues to permeate my life year after year.  To be completely honest and vulnerable in this space, my faith seems to become more doubt filled with each year that passes.  I wish I had answers for these questions, but I don't.  Do I still believe God loves me?  Yes.  Do I feel it right now?  No.

I'm writing this not only to express some feelings that I truly struggle with, but also with the hope that someone else reads it and thinks "me too".  Know that you're not alone.  Know that Mother's Day is difficult to many.  It's a beautiful day to celebrate a gift that many people are blessed enough to experience on one or both ends.  But it's also so painful to many of us who are remembering, hoping, praying, longing.  Maybe your mother is no longer on this earth.  Or maybe she wasn't the mother you really needed her to be in this life.  Perhaps you're angry at her for not being able to cope with her own demons to be there for you.  Or maybe you're like me and are grieving that no children call you that beautiful word, "mother".  I hope that on this Mother's Day you will know comfort that you are not alone in coping with complicated emotions and unfulfilled longings.  I'm right there with you, working out the longing.