My emotions lately have felt like sawdust. I honestly have no other way to describe it and that is all I have been thinking whenever I ask myself, "Self, how are you feeling?" The first answer in my head is "sawdust". (Ok, so I really don't ask that exact question, but you get what I mean.)
I think feeling "sawdust" can be described as just blah and dry. Back in April, I remember feeling so joyous and grateful for all the ways that God had been blessing my life...new job and new apartment topped the list and I was overwhelmed with God's perfect timing and how all the questions I'd had for when and whether God would work my life out here seemed to be answered.
But now I'm back to sawdust. I still love my job. But the honeymoon is over and a few weeks ago, I had a pretty rough run. It's like all my clients talk to each other and decide to go into crisis at the same time. Just putting out one fire after the next is exhausting! Things have settled down now, but I was reminded that no job is perfect and there will always be stress.
I also still love my apartment. But I was quickly reminded that living alone means making more of an effort to get out of the house. I can't just come home and hang out with my parents and feel good because I spent time with other people. I have to make more of an effort to make plans and SEE people. Which isn't a bad thing, but as a person who swings a small percentage to the introverted side of things, it can be difficult for me to remember to make plans and not just hang out at home and feel lonely.
Today I really brought this emotion to God and worked on working it out. I had a great day. Went to church. Stopped at a roadside stand to buy fresh produce. Got flirted with by the grandpa-type running the cash register (who did not make my potential significant-other list despite his nice comments and eyebrow raising). Drove to the shore and walked on the beach. Did grocery shopping and made a delicious dinner. Set up some shelves in my apartment, which significantly improved the homeyness of my living room space. During all of these activities, I kept asking God, "What do I do about this? Why can't I just be happy with all that You've given to me?" No answer. After my walk on the beach, I felt free, but still was missing something. Before making my dinner, I played a random mix of Christian worship/pop/rock songs and the Nichole Nordeman song "Gratitude" (see words below) began to play and I was overcome with emotion...real emotion, not sawdust. I was moved by the reminder that even when God does not seem to be providing in the ways I want Him to, that there is still plenty to give thanks to God for. And it doesn't mean that I shouldn't feel sad or grieve the things that I am struggling with, but just to say, that even when I feel "sawdust", I continue to feel gratitude for the ways that God comforts me and sends me just the right words at just the right time. And more than anything else that made today a good day, I am grateful for the reminder that God still knows every hair on my head, God is not like the shifting shadows, I can trust in Him, and even when it seems that God has stopped answering my prayers, He is still there providing for me and loving me in ways that I just may not have anticipated.
Send some rain, would You send some rain?'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink againAnd the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?Let the sky grow black and send some mercy downSurely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not todayMaybe You'll provide in other waysAnd if that's the case
We'll give thanks to You with gratitudeFor lessons learned in how to thirst for YouHow to bless the very sun that warms our faceIf You never send us rain
Daily bread, give us daily breadBless our bodies, keep our children fedFill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us throughTucked away beneath our sturdy roofsLet us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not todayMaybe You'll provide in other waysAnd if that's the case
We'll give thanks to You with gratitudeA lesson learned to hunger after YouThat a starry sky offers a better viewIf no roof is overheadAnd if we never taste that bread
Oh, the differences that often are betweenEverything we want and what we really need
So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peaceMove our hearts to hear a single beatBetween alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not todayPeace might be another world awayAnd if that's the case
We'll give thanks to You with gratitudeFor lessons learned in how to trust in YouThat we are blessed beyond what we could ever dreamIn abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peaceBut, Jesus, would You please
Read more: NICHOLE NORDEMAN - GRATITUDE LYRICS
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
time is a funny thing
Another new year...and actually, it has been for over a month. I cannot believe that it is already this far into February! Time has been getting away from me lately and I have wanted to update my blog and just get my thoughts out there so many times in the past months, but...well, there isn't much of an excuse except that I didn't know what to write. Several times I started a new post and then promptly deleted it because I didn't think it accurately stated what I intended to say. Sometimes all it takes is time to get my thoughts straight.
As per usual, I have been contemplating the new year and the changes it could bring to my life. 2012 was a good but not very momentous year in my life. I felt more like it was a "building" year...one where I matured in some areas, healed some more in other areas, and all together gathered strength and purpose. I have been living in Connecticut for two years now and I am finally feeling as though I can say that I have a life here. I have a routine. I have friends. I am involved at church. I have favorite places. I am a part of my family in a way that I have wanted to be for so long. I have a job in my field...a job that I am actually excited about! God has been so good to me as I have trusted Him to build me in these ways. I remember arriving home two years ago and feeling so frustrated with my life...feeling as though I had been overlooked, forgotten, and as though all I had been through was completely irrelevant to where I was going. I find it amazing how God uses time to bring us to a point of thankfulness and praise for all the ways that God has worked things out.
As I have mentioned, I have many things to be grateful for and to see how perfectly God has been moving in my life. One way in particular has been in my work...my career. Five years ago, I applied to an unknown school in Colorado, quit a steady career, and took a chance on a "gut feeling"...or what I believe was spiritual leading. During my schooling, I knew it was the career God chose for me...that I was created to do the work I was studying to do. I was becoming. After grad school, I knew that it would take time for me to get to my "dream" job. I applied everywhere and anywhere and took what I could get. Through my time at the Children's Home (now Ädelbrook, although I still struggle to call it that), God truly moved to make a path for me. From a part time 1:1, to a full time position with clinical experience, to a clinical coordinator, I couldn't have asked for a better experience. I have been truly blessed by my experiences, my clients, and most of all, the many people that I worked with. And just when it was most unexpected, a new opportunity came up and before I knew it, I was leaving. I have only been at my new job for a few weeks and already, I feel as though this is exactly what God has been preparing and building me for. As much as I appreciate my experience at CHOC, I feel more like myself in this new position. I know that there will be challenges and frustrations as at any job, but this feels like me. And I have been more affirmed that the gut feeling I had five years ago was so much more than that. This has been God's plan and leading for me all along. It just took time...God's perfect timing.
Of course, there are other areas of my life that I still wonder and hope and cry to God about why those prayers haven't been answered yet. Specifically, the deepest longings of my heart and life where my heart feels empty and unfulfilled. Sometimes it's easiest to ignore those pains and just focus on the areas where I can see how God's timing has brought my prayers to fruition. But I can't altogether ignore my feelings. Lately I have been allowing myself to be ok with the sadness that comes with wanting and longing. I often feel as though I have to only point to the areas where I am happy in life and remember that God is always good and that I should attribute this void to God's goodness...so somehow, I'm not allowed to be sad about the things I still want. And while I do believe that God works things to perfect timing so that God's goodness can be visible, I also believe that God wants me to feel what is true for me in the moment. So whether it takes 2 years, 3 years, or another 5 years for God to work out that "gut feeling", I know that God will work it out and when He does, I will see how perfect the timing is...even though it was hard to wait in the mean time. Plus, it is my hope and will be my joy to know that God really did save the best part of this transition for last. And when it happens, however long I waited for it won't matter anymore because I will know that the time it took for everything to come together in perfect harmony was just as it should be.
As per usual, I have been contemplating the new year and the changes it could bring to my life. 2012 was a good but not very momentous year in my life. I felt more like it was a "building" year...one where I matured in some areas, healed some more in other areas, and all together gathered strength and purpose. I have been living in Connecticut for two years now and I am finally feeling as though I can say that I have a life here. I have a routine. I have friends. I am involved at church. I have favorite places. I am a part of my family in a way that I have wanted to be for so long. I have a job in my field...a job that I am actually excited about! God has been so good to me as I have trusted Him to build me in these ways. I remember arriving home two years ago and feeling so frustrated with my life...feeling as though I had been overlooked, forgotten, and as though all I had been through was completely irrelevant to where I was going. I find it amazing how God uses time to bring us to a point of thankfulness and praise for all the ways that God has worked things out.
As I have mentioned, I have many things to be grateful for and to see how perfectly God has been moving in my life. One way in particular has been in my work...my career. Five years ago, I applied to an unknown school in Colorado, quit a steady career, and took a chance on a "gut feeling"...or what I believe was spiritual leading. During my schooling, I knew it was the career God chose for me...that I was created to do the work I was studying to do. I was becoming. After grad school, I knew that it would take time for me to get to my "dream" job. I applied everywhere and anywhere and took what I could get. Through my time at the Children's Home (now Ädelbrook, although I still struggle to call it that), God truly moved to make a path for me. From a part time 1:1, to a full time position with clinical experience, to a clinical coordinator, I couldn't have asked for a better experience. I have been truly blessed by my experiences, my clients, and most of all, the many people that I worked with. And just when it was most unexpected, a new opportunity came up and before I knew it, I was leaving. I have only been at my new job for a few weeks and already, I feel as though this is exactly what God has been preparing and building me for. As much as I appreciate my experience at CHOC, I feel more like myself in this new position. I know that there will be challenges and frustrations as at any job, but this feels like me. And I have been more affirmed that the gut feeling I had five years ago was so much more than that. This has been God's plan and leading for me all along. It just took time...God's perfect timing.
Of course, there are other areas of my life that I still wonder and hope and cry to God about why those prayers haven't been answered yet. Specifically, the deepest longings of my heart and life where my heart feels empty and unfulfilled. Sometimes it's easiest to ignore those pains and just focus on the areas where I can see how God's timing has brought my prayers to fruition. But I can't altogether ignore my feelings. Lately I have been allowing myself to be ok with the sadness that comes with wanting and longing. I often feel as though I have to only point to the areas where I am happy in life and remember that God is always good and that I should attribute this void to God's goodness...so somehow, I'm not allowed to be sad about the things I still want. And while I do believe that God works things to perfect timing so that God's goodness can be visible, I also believe that God wants me to feel what is true for me in the moment. So whether it takes 2 years, 3 years, or another 5 years for God to work out that "gut feeling", I know that God will work it out and when He does, I will see how perfect the timing is...even though it was hard to wait in the mean time. Plus, it is my hope and will be my joy to know that God really did save the best part of this transition for last. And when it happens, however long I waited for it won't matter anymore because I will know that the time it took for everything to come together in perfect harmony was just as it should be.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
daydream believer, reality seeker
The imagination is a powerful thing. I believe that it can be a wonderful gift given by God to have a vivid and creative imagination. As a child, I enjoyed this gift creating all sorts of play worlds with my siblings. I could entirely be existing in a different space and time through my imagination. It was also wonderful to be completely immersed in a book. I would be so engrossed with the story I was reading, that I literally would not hear the dinner bell (yes, we used a dinner bell in my family but that is another blog entirely on its own). My mom would get frustrated with me when I honestly and fervently protested that I had not heard it. All I had heard were the sounds of the conversations and adventures that the characters were having in the book I was reading.
However, this imagination and innate ability to transport myself to a story or make-believe is turning out to be a struggle for me as an adult. Of course, it still comes in handy when I need to get away and all I want to do is watch the sunset and think on things. Or when I'm writing and I can completely see the images in my head before I put them on paper. And it still comes in handy when I would rather exist in someone else's storybook. But, I have found that I have begun to rely on my imagination a little bit too much in my day to day and have started to "live" there because I don't know how to cope with what is real. Not that my life is a horrible mess...not at all!...but just that there are things in my life that continue not to turn out the way that I had hoped. And to deal with that, I imagine what I hope to happen and then come crashing down when the hopes I've built up in my head are not occurring in my reality. Disaster. I've built up my own expectations and hopes only to be let down by...myself. Needless to say, I need a reality check.
This is easier said than done. I have always thought things out in my imagination before actually doing them. I run through all the different options and possibilities and put thought into how I should react and what I should say so that I don't look a fool and shoot from my hip with my mouth. How do I break a habit that is so thoroughly ingrained in how I live out my life and relationships? This can also be a good quality as it does help me prepare for things that should be thought out carefully (a therapy session, a presentation at work, a serious relationship talk), but to always try to plan and consider and prepare for all the possible scenarios is exhausting! And it is even more exhausting to realize that the only person who is letting me down is me.
So while I will always be a daydreamer and will utilize that to it's fullest and hope for the best, I am hoping to work on the skill of recognizing what is reality and accepting it just as that. I'm tired of tripping myself up. I'm also tired of taking control of what I think should be instead of trusting in God to provide me with vision and resolve and patience. I have spent the better half of the past year asking God to teach me how to trust Him in this season of life. I think that this is one area where I could learn to trust that God will help me with my daily conversation and actions. I want to trust that no matter what my imagination cooks up, that God will be there to remind me to hope in Him alone and not in my own limited sight of what could or could not be. I wasn't aware of what I have been asking for and I know that I will be a more full and complete woman in the end. However, learning to trust that I can rely on God for the best visions for my life is hard. Even in my daydreams, I know this to be true and that is a reality I can trust.
However, this imagination and innate ability to transport myself to a story or make-believe is turning out to be a struggle for me as an adult. Of course, it still comes in handy when I need to get away and all I want to do is watch the sunset and think on things. Or when I'm writing and I can completely see the images in my head before I put them on paper. And it still comes in handy when I would rather exist in someone else's storybook. But, I have found that I have begun to rely on my imagination a little bit too much in my day to day and have started to "live" there because I don't know how to cope with what is real. Not that my life is a horrible mess...not at all!...but just that there are things in my life that continue not to turn out the way that I had hoped. And to deal with that, I imagine what I hope to happen and then come crashing down when the hopes I've built up in my head are not occurring in my reality. Disaster. I've built up my own expectations and hopes only to be let down by...myself. Needless to say, I need a reality check.
This is easier said than done. I have always thought things out in my imagination before actually doing them. I run through all the different options and possibilities and put thought into how I should react and what I should say so that I don't look a fool and shoot from my hip with my mouth. How do I break a habit that is so thoroughly ingrained in how I live out my life and relationships? This can also be a good quality as it does help me prepare for things that should be thought out carefully (a therapy session, a presentation at work, a serious relationship talk), but to always try to plan and consider and prepare for all the possible scenarios is exhausting! And it is even more exhausting to realize that the only person who is letting me down is me.
So while I will always be a daydreamer and will utilize that to it's fullest and hope for the best, I am hoping to work on the skill of recognizing what is reality and accepting it just as that. I'm tired of tripping myself up. I'm also tired of taking control of what I think should be instead of trusting in God to provide me with vision and resolve and patience. I have spent the better half of the past year asking God to teach me how to trust Him in this season of life. I think that this is one area where I could learn to trust that God will help me with my daily conversation and actions. I want to trust that no matter what my imagination cooks up, that God will be there to remind me to hope in Him alone and not in my own limited sight of what could or could not be. I wasn't aware of what I have been asking for and I know that I will be a more full and complete woman in the end. However, learning to trust that I can rely on God for the best visions for my life is hard. Even in my daydreams, I know this to be true and that is a reality I can trust.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
love is in the details
I always feel most loved when I'm shown in unexpected ways or by ones that pay attention to details. A note from a friend that says she's praying about the things she knows are on my heart. Or my mom telling me I'm a beautiful woman first thing in the morning. Or the time I was surprised to find a whole batch of artfully decorated cupcakes in my room on my birthday. Or a gift from my sister that she bought because she thought of a joke we have together when she saw it. These things remind me that I'm loved as is and that people know me and know what I need to feel loved.
Today, I had one of those days where I just felt loved by God in this way. I did not have the best start to the day. My work day yesterday was exhausting and I was not looking forward to returning there this morning. I did not know how I was going to make it through the day. I prayed for God to help me through it, for peace in my heart, wisdom in how I interacted with others, to remain calm in a crisis, and that I would be able to follow through with everything. When I arrived at work, I heard that yet another one of my clients had been in crisis the previous evening that took over two hours. Great. More paperwork. More follow up meetings. Just awesome.
But, I plugged through. I was able to remain calm and I did not get anxious over all the extra work I needed to do as a result. Instead, I just did it and I was able to be finished with all the follow up by 2:30, which is when I need to start seeing clients and I no longer have time to do paperwork. However, at this time, the weather began to kick in. I could hear the thunder rolling in for about an hour and it was coming quickly! Just as I was finishing my last debriefing, the rain started to pour, the wind became ferocious, and the thunder was relentless. My co-worker and I were astounded at the force of the storm. The power went out for a minute, and then came back on. We thought we were in the clear.
I saw the lightening strike and heard the crack at about the same time. The power went off again as did the fire alarm. My co-worker and I continue talking (clearly, we work in a facility where crises are no big deal) until there is a knock at my door and someone is saying that it's not a drill, the alarm is real, and we need to get everyone to the school...which means we have to walk outside in the pouring rain and raging storm.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I love a good storm. It is so exciting to watch the clouds roll in, hear the thunder, and then watch the rain pour down. And I was excited. I grabbed my non-verbal client by the arm and said, "Let's go!" and we headed out in the rain together. We walked all the kids to the school and were able to corral them in the library. For a group of autistic kids, they did great! After about half an hour, we were able to walk them back to the residential facility.
At this point, I still had on my schedule three individual therapy sessions and one family session. One of my sessions was with one of my girls who has struggled to connect with me therapeutically. I was able to have a great and productive session with her today and build a stronger therapeutic relationship. In the middle of my conversation with her, my supervisor knocks on my door and says that the CEO is sending all non-essential employees home as power and trees are down in many places and that more storms were supposed to roll in. I finished up my session and made sure it was ok with my last session that I meet with her in the morning instead. My co-worker canceled our family session and I was out. It was only 4pm.
So today, I was able to remain calm during the crisis of paperwork and follow up and while walking the kids to the school. I got to play in the rain a little bit. I was able to establish a more positive relationship with one of my kids. AND I got to leave early with permission. God blessed my day with a change of pace and I was able to spend more time relaxing at home this evening. Usually, I don't get home until at least 7pm on Wednesdays. Tonight, I was in jeans and a t-shirt by 4:45.
All in all, it was kind of a crazy day. But God answered my prayers and allowed me the space to recover that I needed. The extra few hours off are a blessing to help me gear up to go to work tomorrow. God knew the exact details I needed to feel loved and cared for by Him.
I believe that God knows right when we need to be loved. And He knows which details count to remind us that He still loves us and cares for us. Today, I felt loved in the details.
Today, I had one of those days where I just felt loved by God in this way. I did not have the best start to the day. My work day yesterday was exhausting and I was not looking forward to returning there this morning. I did not know how I was going to make it through the day. I prayed for God to help me through it, for peace in my heart, wisdom in how I interacted with others, to remain calm in a crisis, and that I would be able to follow through with everything. When I arrived at work, I heard that yet another one of my clients had been in crisis the previous evening that took over two hours. Great. More paperwork. More follow up meetings. Just awesome.
But, I plugged through. I was able to remain calm and I did not get anxious over all the extra work I needed to do as a result. Instead, I just did it and I was able to be finished with all the follow up by 2:30, which is when I need to start seeing clients and I no longer have time to do paperwork. However, at this time, the weather began to kick in. I could hear the thunder rolling in for about an hour and it was coming quickly! Just as I was finishing my last debriefing, the rain started to pour, the wind became ferocious, and the thunder was relentless. My co-worker and I were astounded at the force of the storm. The power went out for a minute, and then came back on. We thought we were in the clear.
I saw the lightening strike and heard the crack at about the same time. The power went off again as did the fire alarm. My co-worker and I continue talking (clearly, we work in a facility where crises are no big deal) until there is a knock at my door and someone is saying that it's not a drill, the alarm is real, and we need to get everyone to the school...which means we have to walk outside in the pouring rain and raging storm.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I love a good storm. It is so exciting to watch the clouds roll in, hear the thunder, and then watch the rain pour down. And I was excited. I grabbed my non-verbal client by the arm and said, "Let's go!" and we headed out in the rain together. We walked all the kids to the school and were able to corral them in the library. For a group of autistic kids, they did great! After about half an hour, we were able to walk them back to the residential facility.
At this point, I still had on my schedule three individual therapy sessions and one family session. One of my sessions was with one of my girls who has struggled to connect with me therapeutically. I was able to have a great and productive session with her today and build a stronger therapeutic relationship. In the middle of my conversation with her, my supervisor knocks on my door and says that the CEO is sending all non-essential employees home as power and trees are down in many places and that more storms were supposed to roll in. I finished up my session and made sure it was ok with my last session that I meet with her in the morning instead. My co-worker canceled our family session and I was out. It was only 4pm.
So today, I was able to remain calm during the crisis of paperwork and follow up and while walking the kids to the school. I got to play in the rain a little bit. I was able to establish a more positive relationship with one of my kids. AND I got to leave early with permission. God blessed my day with a change of pace and I was able to spend more time relaxing at home this evening. Usually, I don't get home until at least 7pm on Wednesdays. Tonight, I was in jeans and a t-shirt by 4:45.
All in all, it was kind of a crazy day. But God answered my prayers and allowed me the space to recover that I needed. The extra few hours off are a blessing to help me gear up to go to work tomorrow. God knew the exact details I needed to feel loved and cared for by Him.
I believe that God knows right when we need to be loved. And He knows which details count to remind us that He still loves us and cares for us. Today, I felt loved in the details.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
reflections toward forgiveness
Generally speaking, I tend to be a very reflective person. I'm a thinker and I like to reflect on what has been, what is, and what I wish things to be. Sometimes this is a healthy process and it helps me to consider what is going on in my life and figure it all out. Like I do on this blog. Although, I have recognized that the longer I have been living in Connecticut, the less I need to reflect here in this space. I guess I feel as though I have begun to really live again and I have a life here. I no longer live in Colorado or Chicago and those experiences are their own entity, but they have become a part of my reflections instead of my reality. Which brings me to the other reason I often reflect...escape from my reality. On occasion, this can be a good thing. We all need distractions from our reality once in a while. I think it helps us to deal with it without stressing us out too much. But on other occasions, my reflections distract me so much that I lose sight of reality a little bit.
I have been reflecting on my reflections because today I had a realization. I have been clinging to some past experiences and the emotions those experiences invoked instead of dealing with those emotions and moving on. I have been angry and hanging on to that anger is not healthy. I have not forgiven as I thought I had and I don't want to be bitter toward anyone...even if by my own judgment I think that person deserves it. But I am not the true Judge and it is not up to me to judge another person for their actions. I am a believer in natural consequences and I believe that everyone must face their own demons and angels at some point. I say that not to be vindictive, but to say that I have been wrong to hang onto my own feelings of anger and hurt towards another person when it isn't my place to judge. Especially when wanting this judgment has been a hindrance to my own emotional maturity and growth. I want to forgive...but it is not easy.
I'm ready to leave it all behind me. I want to let go so that I can move forward and face life with a clean and open heart instead of hanging onto experiences that create doubt and hurt when those experiences are in the past. There is enough in my current life to face and look forward to on a daily basis than to spend my energy on being angry.
I have thought about forgiveness before and I have forgiven others and I have been forgiven. It is a humbling experience all around. But this one is hard for me. When you have held onto a hurt for so long, it actually hurts to let it go because that hurt has become like a familiar friend. It's a comforting and recognized feeling to have. Even if it is painful. Letting go is scary. Even when it's hurt and anger and pain.
I truly believe that we need God entirely to help us forgive each other. I don't think I could even be considering this without God in my life moving me in a direction that requires me to make room in my heart for something else. Something better. Something pure. Something less painful. The experiences that caused the hurt for me no longer exist and they are not continuing to occur. I do not need to hold onto them. I think reflecting on the lessons learned from those experiences are worth the memory. But they are no longer my reality and I do not need to be angry any longer.
I'm not quite at forgiveness yet. But I'm reflecting on it and realizing the necessity of it in order to move forward in my life. And that's a pretty good start.
I have been reflecting on my reflections because today I had a realization. I have been clinging to some past experiences and the emotions those experiences invoked instead of dealing with those emotions and moving on. I have been angry and hanging on to that anger is not healthy. I have not forgiven as I thought I had and I don't want to be bitter toward anyone...even if by my own judgment I think that person deserves it. But I am not the true Judge and it is not up to me to judge another person for their actions. I am a believer in natural consequences and I believe that everyone must face their own demons and angels at some point. I say that not to be vindictive, but to say that I have been wrong to hang onto my own feelings of anger and hurt towards another person when it isn't my place to judge. Especially when wanting this judgment has been a hindrance to my own emotional maturity and growth. I want to forgive...but it is not easy.
I'm ready to leave it all behind me. I want to let go so that I can move forward and face life with a clean and open heart instead of hanging onto experiences that create doubt and hurt when those experiences are in the past. There is enough in my current life to face and look forward to on a daily basis than to spend my energy on being angry.
I have thought about forgiveness before and I have forgiven others and I have been forgiven. It is a humbling experience all around. But this one is hard for me. When you have held onto a hurt for so long, it actually hurts to let it go because that hurt has become like a familiar friend. It's a comforting and recognized feeling to have. Even if it is painful. Letting go is scary. Even when it's hurt and anger and pain.
I truly believe that we need God entirely to help us forgive each other. I don't think I could even be considering this without God in my life moving me in a direction that requires me to make room in my heart for something else. Something better. Something pure. Something less painful. The experiences that caused the hurt for me no longer exist and they are not continuing to occur. I do not need to hold onto them. I think reflecting on the lessons learned from those experiences are worth the memory. But they are no longer my reality and I do not need to be angry any longer.
I'm not quite at forgiveness yet. But I'm reflecting on it and realizing the necessity of it in order to move forward in my life. And that's a pretty good start.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
...all is well.
Have you ever read a book you didn't want to finish just because the story wasn't writing the way that you had hoped? I'm reading one of those right now and I'm rather disappointed. I'm especially disappointed because it is the final book of a four book series by one of my favorite authors, who usually ends her stories just the way that I had been hoping they would end. The main character relies on their faith to overcome whatever life obstacle had been placed in front of him/her, God has worked the seemingly impossible situation out for good, and of course, the right boy falls in love with the right girl and they end up together. Sigh. Bliss. Life is beautiful and all is well.
But in this case, it does not seem as though the right boy will fall in love with the right girl. Or, at least, who I deem to be the right boy and the right girl. This story has been set up for years in several previous books from other series. Several moments in this particular series have even set up the reader to think that these two people are meant for each other. That God has been writing their story for ages and now, it's time to see it come to fruition. Except, that's not what is happening right now. She fell in love with someone else. People keep telling him that she wasn't the right girl for him. She keeps saying she thinks of him as a brother. He enjoyed a date with someone else. NO! Stop it! I'm too invested to let go of the their young love that was so pure and amazing. What is going on here?
I'm the kind of person who believes that good love stories take time. I think that the most romantic stories are the ones where they loved and lost and then found each other again years later after having lived and matured and developed a knowing about life. Or when he likes her for forever and they're just friends, but then, he meets someone else and she realizes what she could lose...and she almost does lose him. But then, he realizes it's always been her and runs back to her arms. The Notebook, Anne of Green Gables, The Time Traveler's Wife...these are the romantic stories I love. I was really hoping that this was one of those. But it is just not turning out that way. Bummer.
Of course, maybe the bigger issue here is that I'm so emotionally invested in characters from a book. As if we were friends. Oh well. Sometimes it helps to get me through the day. And sometimes I think God uses stories like these to teach me a lesson about something that is relevant in my life. Like the fact that even if it doesn't all turn out the way that I see it, that He is still the author of my perfect story.
Right now, as I read this love story that's not turning out the way I'd hoped, I'm considering my own love story and the potential that there may be something brewing there. It has been taking time. A lot of time. And there's no guarantee that the time it's taking means that it's actually leading anywhere. This could just be a drop in the bucket, meant to teach me a lesson and get me to the next place in my life so that I can be ready for my real love story. I guess I never considered that going through my own time-taking love story could be so frustrating and faith-testing. Who knows where this will lead? But, I do know that knowing this person has grown me and taught me so much. Here are some of the things that knowing him has taught me:
But in this case, it does not seem as though the right boy will fall in love with the right girl. Or, at least, who I deem to be the right boy and the right girl. This story has been set up for years in several previous books from other series. Several moments in this particular series have even set up the reader to think that these two people are meant for each other. That God has been writing their story for ages and now, it's time to see it come to fruition. Except, that's not what is happening right now. She fell in love with someone else. People keep telling him that she wasn't the right girl for him. She keeps saying she thinks of him as a brother. He enjoyed a date with someone else. NO! Stop it! I'm too invested to let go of the their young love that was so pure and amazing. What is going on here?
I'm the kind of person who believes that good love stories take time. I think that the most romantic stories are the ones where they loved and lost and then found each other again years later after having lived and matured and developed a knowing about life. Or when he likes her for forever and they're just friends, but then, he meets someone else and she realizes what she could lose...and she almost does lose him. But then, he realizes it's always been her and runs back to her arms. The Notebook, Anne of Green Gables, The Time Traveler's Wife...these are the romantic stories I love. I was really hoping that this was one of those. But it is just not turning out that way. Bummer.
Of course, maybe the bigger issue here is that I'm so emotionally invested in characters from a book. As if we were friends. Oh well. Sometimes it helps to get me through the day. And sometimes I think God uses stories like these to teach me a lesson about something that is relevant in my life. Like the fact that even if it doesn't all turn out the way that I see it, that He is still the author of my perfect story.
Right now, as I read this love story that's not turning out the way I'd hoped, I'm considering my own love story and the potential that there may be something brewing there. It has been taking time. A lot of time. And there's no guarantee that the time it's taking means that it's actually leading anywhere. This could just be a drop in the bucket, meant to teach me a lesson and get me to the next place in my life so that I can be ready for my real love story. I guess I never considered that going through my own time-taking love story could be so frustrating and faith-testing. Who knows where this will lead? But, I do know that knowing this person has grown me and taught me so much. Here are some of the things that knowing him has taught me:
- I can trust in God's assessment of a person and the intuition He's given me to identify when it's a good assessment.
- My silliness, awkwardness, and just the person that I am is attractive...and I really don't have to be anything else.
- There really are unmarried handsome, intelligent, Godly, mature, TALL, athletic, humorous, witty, respectful single men in their 30s still out there.
- I am worth taking the time to get to know and not someone to be swept off her feet with no regard for the condition of her heart.
- I am also worth the honesty it takes to tell a girl his reasons for not pursuing me in the way he would like to...as I watch his face express his own disappointment...instead of disregarding this and sweeping me into something doomed from the start.
- Respect matters to me. Both that I respect him and that he respect me.
- I'm not alone in the season of life that I'm currently in.
- I can trust God and where He leads my heart.
I know that God has purpose in my meeting this man. But like the book I have been reading, maybe it isn't going to end the way that I had my heart set on. Maybe God is leading my heart away and letting go is an ok thing. Maybe this was just a season of healing to renew and revive a very wounded heart. Or maybe, it's my own love story, taking the time it needs to make it's way to the permanent pages of my heart.
I know that God always has my best interests at heart and means to do me no harm. If that is truth, then being with this man at this point in our lives would do both of us harm. I have to trust in God's vision and the fact that He can see the entire canvass, not just my little corner. Trusting God like that has been so hard! I often find myself slipping back into the same fears of rejection, loneliness, and that I don't deserve to be with a man like this. If he is the man for me, then God will work it out. And if he isn't, then God will lead the way. I have to trust in God. God is continually bringing me to my knees as He works it out. I have no where else to go.
Regardless, God will work it out. Even if the characters in this book end up with other people, the author will show how she saw that it was God's best for them. And everything they went through before brought them to the point where they saw God's leading on their lives and how His vision was so much better than the pieces they could see. So it will be ok that they moved on from their young love, pure and joyous as it was. Sometimes God does move us on from good things for better things, even though the moving piece is usually painful. I just can't wait to find out what God has for me as He writes my love story that I've prayed for since I was a young girl. He could be writing it right now with this man. Or He could be writing this chapter of my love story so that I will have an open heart for the man God has for me. Either way, I believe that God will end my love story the same way.
Sigh. Bliss. Life is beautiful and all is well.
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