finding balance

Well, it's begun. My new job that is. It has been a whirlwind of a month! I have been swinging between three jobs, trying to finish well at two and start well at the third. But now, after three weeks of ten hour days, long training sessions, and after-school program dramas, I am officially the Community Clinical Care Coordinator at The Children's Home of Cromwell (CHOC). Oh, and I guess I'm still a retail therapist consultant on the side...can't give up that J. Crew discount!

After three days, there isn't much to tell. My job mostly deals with discharge plans and family support for our clients. Since we only just got our first two kids on Monday, there hasn't been much for me to do directly with my job. I do have a lot of research to do about community resources and I have a lot to learn about the clinical aspect of working at CHOC...or the clinical aspect of anything really. I have received a lot of positive support from the people I'm working and consulting with directly saying that I am the perfect person for this job and that I will do well. That is always positive to hear, especially when I am pioneering this particular position and there really isn't anyone to mentor me in to it. I really am excited to be leading the way in this area and I am passionate about what my job will be doing. I think that residential treatment facilities are great for helping kids get the support they need while in residence. But, once the kids leave, there isn't much support for them when they're on their own. My job is to now become that post-discharge support. And to provide their families with support and resources to support them. It is a job that I will be glad to take on and hopefully make this standard protocol in discharge plans. It will take time for all of us to figure out where I fit in, but it's a new program and like anything new, we will need that time to iron it all out.

I am so glad and excited and blessed to have this job opportunity. This prayer request has been answered and for that I am so grateful and I know that God led me in this direction. But lately, my life has felt so out of balance. I have a job, but I'm missing several key components to bring healthy balance to my life. All I have been doing the past month is work. Sure, there were also two weddings in there and visits to friends and time with family, all of which were wonderful. But I don't have a regular church community to be a part of when I'm not working. Or even a friend community in the area. Yes, I have some great friends in the area, but it's tough to find friends who are my age and also in the same season of life as I am. Being almost 32, most of my friends are now married, have babies, or both. And that doesn't mean that we can't be friends of course, but just that it's been tough to find a community of people who still want to go out on a Friday night without having to get a babysitter or check with their significant other. Truthfully, if I had met the right person already, I would maybe rather be in that season of life myself. But I'm just not.

It's probable that finding a good church community will help with me finding a good community of friends who are in the same season of life as myself. But, finding a church where I feel as though I could be a part of their ministry with a community of young and single adults is tough to find. I think this is so sad. There are several good churches in this area. But many of them minister to married couples and families. Where are all the good ministries for people who are in the same season as I am? Just as my life feels unbalanced, this feels unbalanced in the church. If anything, this is an area that churches should be truly reaching out to. Who else has the time, energy, and money to devote to serving their God? Didn't Paul make a point of saying that when you are single, you have more opportunities to serve? And of course, maybe many people my age are just like me. They don't feel like they fit so they don't go to church. I will say that I have found one church with a thriving single adult community and I could participate in their activities more. I have been out with the group, participated in Sunday School, and made one friend that I have gotten together with a few times. But I have a hard time agreeing with some things the pastor says from the pulpit at that church so it's hard to convince myself to stay there just for the community of people my own age.

I don't mean this to be a rant or a long complaint about being single or about not feeling like I fit in any of the churches I've seen so far. All this just continues to perpetuate the feeling of unbalance in my life. I know that God led me home to Connecticut with purpose and a plan. My God would not bring me here just to abandon me. I know one day it will all figure itself out, the same way my job will. But for now, I'm just looking for a little balance.

great is God's faithfulness...

For many of you, this is repeat news. But I wanted to post it here on my blog as well. I am just so excited!!!

After praying for full-time work for over a year, the pieces have finally fit together for me to have full-time work. This interview came up very quickly. I applied for the job last Friday, they called me on Tuesday, I interviewed Thursday, and I have the job today!

My technical position title is Community Care Clinical Coordinator at The Children's Home of Cromwell. I have been working there since January as a part-time one-to-one aide for an eighth grade student. I have enjoyed working at CHOC and it was actually my first choice of agency to work for when I moved to Connecticut. To actually have the opportunity to work there full-time is just another answer to prayer. The position is a part of a new program beginning this summer at CHOC for adolescent boys with autism and pervasive developmental disorders. Essentially, my position is to ensure that the follow up care provided after the boys are discharged is a seamless a transition as possible. I assess the family environment prior to discharge and I make sure the clinical plans are written in language that the family can understand. I research therapeutic care possibilities within the client's community and ensure that it would be a good fit for the current plan. I will also provide some case management for each client as needed. I'm sure there are many more responsibilities that I will pick up, but that is the basic gist of my position.

I am salaried, I have benefits, and the agency will provide me with supervision so that I can begin to earn my clinical hours toward my professional counselors license. It really is a good deal for both myself and the agency as once I earn my license, I would be able to serve them in other ways as well.

I am literally just so amazed at how faithful God is right now. I have spent the last year wondering what God has been wanting to do with my degree and my life. In that, my faith and trust in God has truly grown. I have been less of a planner and controller of things that I want to happen and instead have really begun to pray on them and take ownership of myself and of who God created me to be, trusting that it would all come together in God's good timing. I thought that I would want to up and move to Boston or New York as soon as I could, but instead, I'm finding that I just want to stay in Connecticut. I feel so at peace with staying here and working in this position right now. It truly is amazing because I really thought that I would never get to this point again. But here I am. And all I can think about is how faithful God is and how much He loves me. That God has been faithful this whole time and that it has been all in God's good timing for everything to come to fruition. God is so very good.

Thank you for all the ways that you have been in my life over the last few years as I have transitioned from Chicago to Colorado and now to Connecticut. I am so excited to continue on in this next season of life. I hope that life is going well for each of you and I would love to hear about the blessings in your own lives.

Have a wonderful weekend!

joyfully empty

Not too long ago, I was talking with one of my best friends over the phone and we briefly touched upon the subject of the price of gas. And how ridiculous it is. Seriously, I could drop about $50 just to fill my little Honda Civic! This made me think of how in high school I wouldn't want to spend a lot of money to fill the family van up, so I would fill it up about $5 worth and then pray that the van would make it all the places I needed it to go on just that. In fact, I knew how long the needle could be sitting on "empty" before I really needed to fill it up again. I haven't been that adventurous with my gas gauge since then, but I was an expert at it back then. With prices the way they are, I've been wondering if I should be more of an expert on how far I can go on "empty".

As I was falling asleep last night, I realized that this is a great analogy for how I've been feeling lately. I feel as though I have been seeing how long I can drive around on the road of life on "empty". Not that I'm not happy...I have been happy lately and I've had many happy moments. But just that I've felt as though I don't have that much to give out to others. I can recall a time in my life when many of the things that I did were of a giving nature. I gave of my time to events at school, I participated on the worship team at church, and I volunteered for several things. But lately, all I've had is enough energy to make it through the day-to-day. Not that there is anything wrong with this season of life, but just that it was an interesting realization for me. In fact, I think this is a good thing for me. I am, by nature, a giving person. I give my time, my self, gifts, and I do my best to be thoughtful and keep in touch with those close to my heart. So this feeling of being empty and stripped of all that used to be how I defined myself is actually...freeing.

I have wondered lately if God has stripped away all the things I used to think defined me with great purpose in mind. Now, there is a blank canvas to work with. Now, God can rub hands together and say, "It's time to get to work. I can do something with this!" And I truly feel like this is what is happening.

When I originally left Connecticut as an 18-year old and eager teenager, I was convinced I would never move back here. There never was anything wrong with Connecticut, but I felt so restricted here. So I took off for the big city of Chicago and there I was able to grow and develop into a God-fearing/loving/serving individual with a heart for kids and a love for life. I grew in my relationships and learned so many valuable life lessons. I became a city girl and loved it. Then I moved to Colorado to finally pursue a career path that I was happy and excited about. In Colorado, I grew up. I feel like it was there that I crossed into womanhood. I learned to let go of expectations and just let life wash over me. I learned to take things as they come and think outside of the box. I learned to let God surprise me. And then, I wanted to come home. For a long time I wanted that. So I did. I went home.

When I first got here, I thought being home would be temporary. I was eager to be a city girl again. I still am in a way. I still crave having diversity and serving children in lower socioeconomic systems. But I have found that I am growing to love living in Connecticut. There is still the possibility that something will come up somewhere and I'll take off for Boston or New York. For now, I am starting to feel settled. I am starting to find joy in being here and hope for a future here.

I of course have no idea what strokes God will paint next on that great white canvas. But I'm enjoying seeing the first few strokes of bright color to reflect the hope and joy that are slowly creeping back into the emptiness.

"...for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure."

~Philippians 2:13

for the sake of the harvest

Yesterday was one of those days. You know the kind. The days where something upsetting or stressful happens and just when you think you're not going to break, one more set-back ignites the flame of frustration, anger, and feeling like a failure.

Yesterday it was my job. Something was in the air from the moment I walked in the door. My class has art first thing in the morning and my one-to-one student didn't want to go. She usually does enjoy going to art, so I tried to reason with her to go. I said she had to go to get credit. She protested. I reiterated the fact that she would get a zero for art that day if she didn't go. She became angry and it was all over from that point on. I did my best to give her space while she was angry. She kicked walls, told me not to follow her, shut a door in my face and then proceeded to stand against it so I couldn't open it. And that was just my student. In other news, there was a water fight which resulted in lunch detention and consequently loud protests from the students involved. Needless to say, I was exhausted when I got home.

When I did get home, I felt like a failure. I felt like I had been working so hard to build positive relationships with these students and suddenly, no matter what I said or did, nothing was good enough. When my student was angry with me, I felt so frustrated and ill-equipped to know what to do or say. I so badly want to be a safe space for her and I felt as though I had ruined it just by doing my job. During the water fight, I didn't know what to do. Should I stop it? Should I let someone else handle it? What do I say to students who don't always care what I say in the first place? These feelings of inadequacy fell hard on my heart and I began to feel as though all the good I thought I had been doing was for nothing. I had failed.

Because of that one feeling of failure at my job, everything else suddenly became exaggerated and I lost it. Fortunately, my dad was home and was able to lend an ear for me to vent for a bit. That certainly helped. He was able to remind me that I'm not alone. I'm not the only person in the world struggling vocationally, struggling with feeling alone and misunderstood, struggling with transition.

One thing that has helped in my transition is a Beth Moore Bible study I have been participating in. There are four of us going through this study together. Two women live in Chicago and one in upstate New York. It has been so wonderful to be able to connect with these women on a spiritual level, even though we are so far apart. Our Bible study together has been intense and has definitely helped me to take a good look at my relationship with God and how deeply I truly believe in God and God's good and perfect will for my life. This is especially difficult when life seems to be so far from how I envisioned it would be by the time I reached my 30s. My work with these ladies and in this Bible study has challenged me and taken me deeper into relationship with God with every day, no matter how difficult the work to get there may be.

Usually, I do my Bible study homework in the morning. However, today I did not have time to truly dig into the homework I had waiting for me. As I quickly ate my breakfast, I glanced over at my worksheets and noticed the daily Bible verse in the margin of my reading for the day.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galations 6:9

Last night, I had raised up all my concerns about work to God and here was an immediate salve to my doubtful heart. Whether or not I see it every day, I am doing good with these students. Yes, it can be weary work, but it is good work. During my continued transition, I have seen God so specifically in areas of my life just when I need to see God. Today was one of those days. I needed to see God in order to return to work with a positive attitude and see what it is that God has for me there. I do not want to give up on my students. They matter to God and they matter to me.

Yesterday, on my way out of work, I stopped in HR to ask what I needed to do to apply for a full-time position. Once I was armed with the proper information, I asked myself "Is this what I really want?". I quit teaching to go into counseling for the express purpose of being able to work more closely with the students who need emotional attention. Of course, I didn't see myself in this specific role, but I do enjoy getting to know the students and hearing their stories. I desire to be a positive force in their lives, even if it is a small role. Most days, my specific student isn't so defiant or angry with me. Most days, she is sweet and seems to enjoy her time with me. Sometimes the hard days make the really good days all that much more of a gift and a reward for my hard work.

I do love these students. I know that so many others have given up on them. But I won't. I have no idea how long I will be at this school or with these specific students, but I will not give up on them as long as our paths cross. I also know that perhaps the harvest is the next step on the career path God has me on. Whatever the next step for me is, I know that my good work with these students is preparing me to take on the next thing. I don't see this job as just a resume builder...I see it as a piece of my calling coming to fruition. I could be there long term or I could be moved on to a place where I'm needed more. Either way, I am excited to continue doing good in whatever capacity God has for me in order for the reaping to be bountiful. In both my life and in the lives of my students.

Today was a better day. My specific student was absent today so I wasn't able to repair my relationship with her. However, I was able to connect more with the other students in my assigned classroom. Throughout the course of the day, I was calm and firm with them. I know that I couldn't have done any of that without God's help to overcome the weariness of yesterday. God is good.

As I was leaving, one of my students asked to see which car was mine. I told her it was too far away to see from where we were. She responded by saying that she wanted to know so that she could slash my tires so that I wouldn't have to leave in the middle of the day. She liked having me around. This from a student who last week called me a few choice words to my face. I must be doing good somewhere.

The weird thing about moving back home is...

...bumping into people from high school or from neighboring high schools that you kinda knew or that know people you know. Don't get me wrong. This isn't a bad weird thing. Just a weird thing. Mostly because I haven't lived in Connecticut for around 13 years! Every other place I've lived in since graduating high school has practically no connection to my hometown. Although, when living in Colorado, I ran into a girl from my high school class while I was working at Banana Republic. Twice. It wasn't a "Don't I know you?" moment either. It was a "Omigosh, we had classes together but weren't ever really close friends but I know you well enough that it would be rude not to say hello and shoot the breeze, so Hey, howareya?" moment. Also, not a bad thing, just kind of an awkward moment. Especially when it's been over ten years since graduation and my current profession was part-time retail/full-time grad student. Nice.

Anyway, back to being home, I guess I just feel that it's weird now because it could legitimately happen at any time. Today, I was at a conference down in Hamden, CT for my after-school job and I ended up in a group project with a guy who recognized me from high school. I didn't recognize him, but he was three classes behind me. Turns out, he hung out with my high school boyfriend's family a lot in high school. I hadn't thought about those years of my life in a really long time. It felt so weird to be recognized from a time period in my life that I rarely think about, but I had clearly made some sort of impression. I'm used to running into people from college. North Parkers are everywhere! And usually, if I run into them, we both know each other from a more recent period of time. But I feel like when you see someone from your past, the only context you know is the one that you knew them in from yesteryear. So for the first time since graduating high school, I'm remembering who I was in high school. It's a lot less about the running into people (awkward or not) and more about re-figuring myself out.

My last romantic relationship changed my perspective on who I saw myself as. And not in a good way. I had dinner with one of my very best sister-friends this past week and it really hit me how falsely my ex had seen who I was when I saw her reaction to some of the things I allowed him to convinced me of. In fact, as I type, the Bruno Mars song "Just the Way You Are" has begun to play on my Pandora radio station. This song is exactly opposite of how I felt with my ex. It really doesn't matter whether he actually thought I needed to change or not. The point is that for the majority of our relationship, I didn't feel as though the person I am was ever good enough for him. Or maybe it was more that he was somehow convinced that who I actually was wasn't actually me. Either way, this song awakes an ache in me because I never heard these words from him. So somewhere in my unconscious awareness of myself I began to see myself as who he saw me and not as who I truly was. I don't think this was intentional on his part or on mine. I truly think he loved me the best that he could. Putting me into his own little box was possibly the only way he could deal with whatever insecurities I apparently brought out in him. And I thought being in that box was loving him. But it wasn't loving him. More importantly, it wasn't loving myself.

So now, I'm reprocessing who I am. I'm reprogramming myself and hoping to find those pieces of my self that got lost in the midst of that relationship. Of course, I'm still me. I'm still the same girl who dances her heart out in her room, sings at the top of her lungs in the car, and is fascinated by Paris and the French culture. It's just that post this relationship, I'm re-realizing that these quirks are positive attributes and part of the reason why my friends and family love me. They aren't just qualities to "accept" about me. They are qualities to love about me because I love these things about me.

I find it interesting that just as that relationship ended, I was packing up to move back home. To my family, my roots, and where I went through many of those life-changing events that helped shaped me as a person. And also to where people know me as the girl I was at seventeen and not as the woman I am at thirty-one. I am suddenly amazed at how perfectly God has coordinated this healing and transitional stage of life. Because it is weird to be reminded of my childhood in so many concrete ways when it is least expected. But also kind of amazing, soul soothing, and self asserting. It's weird, but I like it.

The Bachelor: And the final rose goes to...

EMILY!!!! Wow, this is the first season that I called the last girl standing from the very first episode before even seeing how the women interacted with Brad. Of course, I think it became obvious that Emily was one of the most mature women on the show pretty quickly. Also, as I mentioned in last week's post, I think it was obvious that Brad had very strong feelings for her and was more concerned about her feelings than any of the other women's feelings. There was no deliberation at the end of this one...Brad was 100% sure. Honestly, I think it just goes to show that often, it's all about connection and how strongly you feel about a person. Brad and Emily connected and had strong feelings for each other. I think Jason and Molly prove the same thing...Jason connected with Melissa as well but at the end of the day, his feelings for Molly were stronger so he chose to pursue her instead. In fact, he risked quite a bit of personal criticism to make the right choice for him and follow his heart. Obviously, it's working for them.

I know there is much that happened on the actual final show that I could comment about, but I really want to focus on the After the Final Rose Special. If you watched it, it seemed like Emily and Brad are moving in the direction of most Bachelor/ette couples...break up. However, I think what they're going through is just normal...with the added stress of publicity and throw in the opinions of the public and in-studio audience (could you gasp any louder?). They really did seem to fall in love on the show and Brad feels so strongly for Emily that he really does seem to be willing to do whatever it takes to work through it and make it to the alter. That's great! And really, I think this is why most of these couples fall apart. Fame gets to them and they forget to make it about just themselves...instead it becomes about everyone else.

Earlier, I said that it's about connection and strength of emotion involved. I truly believe that's true. My own experience in relationships tells me that's true. My own experience also tells me that at some point, you have to make a choice. I don't think that you can just choose someone and therefore it will work...I had one boyfriend who believed that but couldn't do what it took to connect with me. It didn't work because the initial connection we made couldn't be sustained by my work alone...it takes two. Back to Brad and Emily...they are at the work and choosing part of their relationship. They love each other and their connection is strong, we see that. But in order to move forward, they both have to choose to continue to work at that connection to keep it strong.

I know it sounds easier than it is and I know that in some relationships you don't have to work as hard to stay connected as in others. But my point is that I think what we, the national public, saw on After the Final Rose is the piece of Brad and Emily's relationship that takes some work. It's normal, we all go through it at some point. Because I like Emily and it seems that she deserves the best, I hope it works for them.

Well, I hope you enjoyed reading my thoughts about this season of The Bachelor. Ashley H. is the next Bachelorette and maybe I'll have something to say about her, but we'll see. Until then, enjoy the coming of spring and summer roses...hooray for warmer weather!

Coming Out Covenant

Hello friends. You may have realized that I recently added another website under my "faves" list to the right of this blog. The website is "Coming Out Covenant" and it is a blog written solely for the purpose of opening the discussion of the inclusion of gay and lesbian peoples in the church, specifically in the Covenant denomination. Here is a little background...

I am a member of the Evangelical Covenant Church. It is a relatively small denomination compared to others, but we have a voice in much of North America and in several countries around the world. I began attending a Covenant church when I was 6 years old, after my family moved to Connecticut. I was raised there, came to Christ there, confirmed there, and made some of the longest lasting and deepest friendships of my life there. I attended North Park University, the Covenant denomination's liberal arts school, and I attended and worked at Pilgrim Pines, one of many Covenant summer camps. I admire the Evangelical Covenant for their willingness to discuss issues more than other denominations. I am grateful for the role the Covenant church has played, and will continue to play in my life.

This past January, a friend of mine from the Covenant church I grew up in, along with my former pastor and other supporters, started this blog. My friend is gay and also a pastor and member of the Evangelical Covenant Church. I have always known him to be a man of faith and a man who actively pursues God in his life. He is someone that I respect and admire for so many reasons. I care about him and his family and what they go through, matters to me. I am so proud of him for being who he is, with no apologies.

I had heard of this blog when it first started, but hadn't gotten around to reading it until this past week. Once I started reading the stories, I couldn't stop. I read every single entry in one sitting. I have very few Christian gay friends that I am close with; that I know of. I cannot claim to understand what it must be like to know that you are a true follower of Christ but those who are your spiritual supporters do not accept all of who you are. I don't understand that from experience. But I think that anyone can understand the feeling of being alone. And this is what I have been reading. How alone they have felt in the one place where they shouldn't be alone.

I want to support my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters so that they do not feel alone. I want to begin the discussion among all my Christian friends in some way because it is important. I have seen so many Christian people in my experiences in Christian settings gloss over the issue or speak of it with disdain or say "hate the sin and love the sinner." Heck, I have even said that before. Personally, I have struggled with the idea of homosexuality as a sin for a long time. Like many others, I had been brought up in the church to believe that being attracted to same sex lovers was bad, sinful, and "good Christians" aren't that way. But in the past 5 or 6 years, I have begun to believe otherwise. I have met people who are gay or lesbian and I have heard their stories. I watched a good friend of mine deal with rejection from others because her brother was gay and a Christian. And I hurt for them. I hurt that they have been rejected when they should have been accepted. The best I feel I can do is show my support and spread the word. Because talking about it is important.

Regardless of what you believe, whether you are a Christian or not, I encourage you to read this blog. I would love for my non-Christian gay friends to see this blog to know that God does not reject them. Neither do I. And neither do several other Christians out there. You are not alone.