single roots

Sometimes, someone else can say more eloquently what I would like to say. My favorite Bachelor Recap blog writer posted this on the SingleRoots blog website...which I just discovered when I read this post. There is much truth in what she says.

http://www.singleroots.com/singled-out-for-being-single/

P.S.~Just added this site to my favorites. The knowledge that other people struggle with similar questions, emotions, and reassurance found again and again in a God who loves is soothing and another way God speaks.

I Won't Give Up

I just discovered this new song by Jason Mraz. While he is singing it to his love, I feel like sometimes I need to hear these words from the God who loves me. I flip the words from God's perspective to my own and it' s just what I need to hear. Especially when life feels a little bit hopeless and I'm not strong enough to stand on my own, I just need to know that there's a God who won't give up on me. And neither will I give up on God.

transition out, stability in...it's all a part of the plan

Happy New Year! I'm sad that I missed putting up a Christmas post. I thought about it almost every day for the past month and I had a lot of thoughts I wanted to share. But with the busyness and the excitement of the season, it just didn't happen. So, I'll try to combine my Christmas thoughts with my New Years thoughts and we'll see what happens. Ready, go...

Saying a New Year always has hope in it. 2012. Nothing much has happened in the last 48 hours, so there is a lot of hope that only good things will come with the new year. Every year, I feel that way. Who knows what surprises could be around the bend? Even though I have a more clear idea of what life could look like this year, I feel just as open to possibilities as I did when 2011 was the new year. Of course, a year ago, I was completely a blank slate. Looking back, I am amazed with all God did in my life in 2011. A transitional year for sure, but pretty amazing stuff. A full time job with benefits. New friends. Stronger relationships with my family. A church that surprises me that I want to be a part of, but where there are definite opportunities for growth both internally and externally. A sense of peace in that I actually want to stay living here instead of always feeling like someday I'll move away. Lots of good.

Of course, there were so many struggles in getting to these places. When I first moved back east, I truly thought God would lead me back to an urban setting. I do love living in a city, but I don't feel called to look for opportunities in that setting at this moment. I feel as though I'm right where I should be. Getting that full time job took some time, but God set it all up perfectly and when the right opportunity came along, I just knew that it was what God had for me. Finding friends has been tougher for me, but I have met some amazing women here and I continue to find God's blessings in unexpected friendships. All of this has helped me feel more stable in my life here. I hope that 2012 continues to help me settle and feel peace about the path God has led me on.

When 2011 started, I began most of my days asking God, "What the crap is this? What are you doing with my life?" Nothing seemed to be right and there didn't seem to be an outlined plan to anything. As Christians, we always seemed to be talking about "God's plan" and there just didn't seem to be one. Honestly, some days I still feel like this. There are several ways that I have seen a plan in my life...imprints on the greater blueprint that began to make sense. But there are still some on my particular blueprint where it's difficult to always see why God would put a wall in the middle of a room...or something else that makes no sense at the initial glance. I know that there's purpose somewhere in that wall, but I can't see it yet. And it's difficult to keep trusting in the overall plan instead of always focusing in on the one wall that seems really out of place.

A week before Christmas, the sermon at church gave sort of a mini-lecture on the astronomy that surrounded the time period of Christ's birth, what may have been the star of Bethlehem, and how we can figure out exactly when Christ was born. It was a fascinating sermon and I learned a lot about the stars. I usually find sermons like that interesting where some obscure texts in the Bible can possibly be explained. In this case, it was text from Revelation 12 connected to the pattern in the stars surrounding Christ's birth. Whether this is the correct interpretation or not, I'm not sure, but this interpretation seemed to make sense. The pastor's point was that God even arranged the stars to tell the good news of Christ's birth. That it was no mistake that the sky told the same story of what was happening on earth. That it was no mistake that Mary and Joseph fled to Egypt, the same place that the Israelites had been led out of all those years ago. That nothing about the birth of Christ was accidental. It was all in the plan.

I really took comfort in this as very often this year, I have felt like my life is not a part of any plan. That God had forgotten about me and was just letting my life go, building walls and staircases whichever way he pleased, just because he could. After this sermon, I have thought to myself several times how often Mary must have felt like I do. How many times did she feel like saying, "What the crap God? I'm only 13, I've never had sex, and I'm pregnant! What the crap is that about?" Or, "What on earth? This is Your son and we have to flee to Egypt of all places? What are You doing here? What is Your plan?" Of course, maybe Mary had more faith than I do and never thought those things or felt like saying them, but if I were her, I probably would. And in hindsight, of course I can see God's plan in Mary's life and how important it was that everything happen just the way that it should. All the walls and staircases in her blueprints had purpose and Mary hung pictures and painted without question. Somewhere she was able to hold onto faith that it was all a part of God's plan.

This year, that is what I would like to do. I'm such a woman of questions and I'm no different when it comes to my relationship with God. But this year, I want to have more faith that no matter what happens, it's all a part of the plan. Someday, I'll see that the wall had purpose. Maybe God builds walls so that he can design the room behind it without me peeking and ruining the surprise before he's ready to remove the wall and join two rooms. Or maybe that staircase to seemingly nowhere leads to the most amazing attic I've ever seen. As I'm walking through my "house"' I can only see each room and each stair as it is now. But God, my God, sees the whole blueprint and knows exactly what I need. I pray that my faith in 2012 will grow as I trust God with His plan for me.

blessings and gratefulness

It's been a year.

One year ago on Thanksgiving week I packed myself up from Colorado and drove back to the east coast to start over.

I made it.

Of course, to say that "I made it" implies that I finished something. Being here for a year doesn't mean I've finished anything. In fact, far from it. There is still so much more life to live! And I'm glad that I get to do it here. For so long, I had been saying that I wanted to move back home. For six years of my time in Chicago I would consistently say, "This is it. This is the year I move back home." And then I wouldn't. And then I moved to Colorado. But now, finally, I get to say that I'm living on the east coast again near my family. I'm here and I don't plan on leaving anytime soon.

There have been so many ups and downs over the past year, both personally and professionally. But mostly when I think of all the past year has brought me I think of how grateful I am for all the blessings God has given me in the midst of difficult moments and constant transition. For starters, I am so blessed to have parents who have the means to take me back in and help me get back on my feet. They have been amazing supports for me both financially and emotionally. While moving back in with my parents after being independent for so long wasn't the easiest thing for me to swallow, my parents have made it easy for me and for that I am very grateful. Not having to worry about paying rent, utilities, buying groceries, and refurnishing an apartment has been one of the biggest blessings of the year. Instead, I have been able to focus my mental and emotional energies on finding a job in my field, relationally adjusting, and stabilizing myself in general. I cannot thank my parents enough for just providing me with my basic needs.

I have also been blessed by God in His provision for income. When I left Colorado a year ago, I was completely unemployed and unsure of where my next paycheck would come from. Over the year, God has provided me with four different jobs here in Connecticut. And now that I think of it and look back, He provided very quickly. JCrew helped me out during the holidays last year and by the end of January, I was employed by two mental health agencies in the area and I could afford to pay my monthly bills. Less than six months later, I was hired to be full time at one of those agencies in a clinical position. It's not the job I had expected to have or one that works with a population I anticipated working with. But God has blessed me in placing me in a very good position within the agency during a time of growth. The program I work for is the only one of its kind in the state of Connecticut. We are leading the way when it comes to residential facilities structured specifically to work with teens with autism spectrum disorders. I am learning a lot and my clinical experience is growing exponentially by the day. The work definitely isn't easy and I'm very much looking forward to the break Thanksgiving provides, but I am very grateful and blessed in how God has placed me. I'm excited to see where He might lead me next.

I have also been very blessed by people in my life. I sometimes think that you don't know how blessed you are by the people in your life until you hit a point where you really need others to be there for you. A year ago I was so at a point where I felt as though I had nothing. I felt like God scraped away all that was to have the opportunity to start fresh with me. And God built me up again by using my friends and family to provide for me what I needed when I needed it. One friend provided me with money right when I most needed it. It is such a humbling feeling to really need financial help and I was truly blessed by her gift. The money she provided lasted exactly until I had work to provide for myself again. I was blessed by friends who opened their houses to me on my road trip back. Thank you for all the meals, beds, and joyous company you provided on my emotional trek back east. I have been blessed by friends on the east coast. Moving someplace can be so lonely and I have been so blessed by the friends I have out here who have reconnected with me. I know we're busy and it's difficult to get together, but thank you for just being close by. It helps to know you're near. I have been blessed by friends who encouraged me to participate in Bible studies and who have called me to check in and who have pursued me to visit them and have visited me. I was so angry and far from God a year ago. I couldn't have gotten to this point without your spiritual encouragement and emotional support. God is so good in His provision!

Finally, I think God has most blessed me with restoring my hope. Life is most difficult without hope. A year ago, I had little hope and little faith that anything in my life could be restored again. But it has been. God has restored so much and most of all, my hope that there is still more to come. That even though this season of life hasn't turned out to be anything like what I had anticipated it to be, that I still have hope for things to come. God has been so good to me in just one year and I cannot wait to see what He could bring in the next.

I love being on the east coast. I cannot imagine being anywhere else. I love being near my family. I have been able to reconnect and grow closer with them over the year. I love that when we have a birthday party or my sister decides to have people over for breakfast at the last minute, I can just hop in my car and be there. I can't imagine life any other way.

Thank you for all your prayers over the year. I am blessed by and grateful for you...

in every season

All of my life

in every season

You are still God.

I have a reason to sing.

I have a reason to worship.

~"Desert Song" by Hillsong

I have been listening to this song quite a bit lately and have been trying to consistently remind myself that God is still God no matter what else is going on in life. In a season where life can sometimes feel up one second and down the next, it's good to have a reminder that God is still constant, no matter what.

I have been contemplating this as the month of November creeps up on us and I have been realizing it is the year marker of some significant events in my life. Losing my job at the temp agency on November 1st. The decision to move home after three years in Colorado. The end of a significant relationship. And finally, my actual move back to Connecticut. I know that it's not quite a year yet (I'm sure I'll have plenty to say when those dates hit), but for some reason, I feel a sense of dread as November approaches. So much has happened in the past year and yet, I still feel as though I am in the same "season" of life. I'm still in some sort of figuring out stage where life doesn't quite feel stable yet.

I've started to wonder if life will ever feel "stable" again. It seems that every time I think that life has gotten consistent again, something else changes and I have to re-evaluate where I'm at and what I want for myself. One thing I know I want for myself is to continue living on the east coast. I love living here. Yesterday it was a beautiful day out and I just upped and went to the beach. I love that. I love the rolling hills and the changing colors in the leaves. I love being close to family and getting to be a part of things with them. So for now, at least that piece of my heart is stable. I no longer feel pulled to try and move my life somewhere else like I did for much of my time in both Chicago and Colorado. I'm home. And that feels right and good.

The other pieces of my life don't necessarily feel as though they've come together quite yet. And I know this takes time, but it is difficult to wait. Especially when I look around and see that many of my friends are experiencing pieces of life that I have not been blessed with yet. Or when I get frustrated with my job and realize that I really don't know what I'm doing and every day I feel as though I just have to wing it. Or when I again realize that I can't afford an apartment on my own quite yet. Or when I realize that my life is unbalanced and I just want to sing again in order to have an outlet that is unrelated to other areas of my life. When I spend time thinking about these things, I feel unstable again. I get worked up over things God has blessed my friends with and not me. I feel alone and unwanted. I feel frustrated and entitled. Haven't I followed God with my whole heart? Haven't I prayed enough over these things to receive some answers and direction? Haven't I, Lord? Aren't I just as deserving as the next person? What gives?

But in all this change, transition, instability, God has remained the same. I spent most of this winter being out right angry with God for the way life had turned out for me at that point. I spent the spring reconciling with God and finding beauty in new beginnings. I spent the summer hoping for things new and exciting and reveling in change. And now that it's fall, I find myself reflecting on where I've been over the year and wondering how God will take this season to the next. I think it's perfectly normal to ask these questions of God, but why would I continue to dwell on them when I know and have seen God to be the only true and stable thing in my life over the past year? Even when I was kicking and screaming at God, I was told to trust Him. When I was apologizing and crying out for help, He told me to trust in Him. In hope and prayer, again, trust in God alone. And now that I'm reflective and wondering where this year has really gotten me anyway, I'm reminded to trust in God. He has it. He knows best. How can I doubt the one truth that has been consistent in my life and provided for me every step of the way?

I do have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship. In every season of my life, God has been stable and there for me. And He's always working, even now, to bring me to the next season that awaits me when this one is over.

the honest truth...

If I'm truly being honest with things in my life right now, I feel very much like a ship out to sea in rough waters. Not quite a storm and not total silence either. Just some high swells so that all I can see are the waves around me and no land or change of scenery in sight.

I really shouldn't complain. A year ago, I was working a temp job in Denver, wondering if my degree would ever mean anything, and trying to figure out exactly what I wanted for my life. Now, I feel as though I'm where I want to live, I have a job I can use my degree for, and I think I know what I want for my life. Well, I do know what I want, I just don't see it in my life quite yet. I'm confused because here I am a year later having made so many great steps forward, and yet I still feel unhappy about things in my life. Why?

One reason is I'm lonely. And I don't mean to say that I don't have people in my life. I do. I have wonderful amazing people who love and care about me more than I can say. Seriously, God has blessed me with an amazing family and wonderful friends who have stuck with me during some rough times when I definitely wasn't at my best. But many of these people live far away. And those who live closer, are just in a different season of life than I am. And it feels lonely to always be the single one, the childless one, the one still living with her parents. And I'm at peace with being all these things...it just feels lonely when there aren't that many people around who feel they can relate to all this. I guess I could really use a community of friends who are living life in a similar season as myself. Friends who also love God. Friends who like to grab a beer every once in a while. Friends who will take me as I am. I know these types of friendships take time to build, but you have to start somewhere and I just wish I could find those people.

Secondly, I'm really wondering about my job. Some days, I feel as though it's the perfect position for me and I love it. I love that I get to use my counseling skills and I love that I get to learn more about autism and have tons of hands-on experience. I love several of my co-workers and I love that I get to be at The Children's Home. However, I miss working with little kids. I miss working in a school (I know! Who saw that one coming?). I miss doing something where I know what the routine will be instead of my job where the schedule is different every day and some days I don't even know what my schedule will be until I get there. And maybe some of this is that my heart has just felt so heavy lately. I really feel for my kids. While this is a good thing, I need to learn how to separate myself emotionally so that I can breathe in between each work day.

Third, I miss using my creative side. I haven't sung (except for in my car or in church) in so long. I miss being a part of a choir or being on worship team. I miss writing poetry for fun. And while that last one is totally up to me, I just haven't felt like it. I've been so tired that it's hard for me to sit and think like that. But maybe I need to more. Maybe I need to just sit and think and get my thoughts out on paper. Either way, I miss that creative musical piece of me. I'm good at it and I feel closer to God when I do it.

Hopefully, my little ship will find a lighthouse to rest by soon. Maybe it will be the friend lighthouse. Maybe it will be a security at work lighthouse. Or maybe it will be a creative and song laden lighthouse. No matter what, I hope that it's soon. Because my heart is feeling heavy and I just don't know how much more I can take...

waiting

Waiting is the hardest thing. When I'm waiting for something to happen (it could be anything really), I feel like I should expect to find something great in my life at the end of the waiting. My faith in God keeps this optimistic perspective alive for me. My God is a great God who desires for His people to be happy. It doesn't mean that we always are, happy that is, but I do believe in a good God who desires for His people to find joy amidst the other difficulties of life. Psalm 37:4 & 5 says to "Delight yourselves in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will act." I firmly believe this.

I think the struggle comes in the timing of it all. The waiting for God to act. If it were up to me, I would only need to wait for a short period of time. But it's not up to me. This morning I had a moment of frustration with God. I have been waiting for some time for something, anything, to happen in my life relationally. There is a specific someone I'm waiting to find out about (which I'm not ready to talk about yet), but there is also a general waiting here too. Most days, I do fine. My heart is finally open to possibilities again and it feels good. It feels wonderful to feel ready to trust a man with my heart again. And yet, I don't need a man in my life to be happy. I know that I'll still find happiness and joy in my life and I have people who love me in my life. My life is full and I'm very blessed. I don't just say that to assure myself either...it's really true. God has been so good to me with the people he's brought into my life.

But...

I was not created to live life alone. This I am sure of. I am a relational person and I thrive at relating to people. For a long time I was convinced that I would live my life alone. There still isn't any guarantee that I won't, but lately I have been more optimistic in this area of my life and God has been opening my eyes to truth. Truth is that I am deserving of romance in my life. Truth is I'm not too old. Truth is I don't have to be anyone but me to be loved. Truth is even my most annoying traits are worthy of love. Truth is that I deserve respect from a man. Truth is that God can bring anyone into my life at any time...with or without warning.

At the end of the day, I am glad that God has this in his hands. I do believe good things can come to those who wait. I do believe that the best love stories take time. And I especially believe that God is the master story teller who gets excited about a good love story. I think God delights in setting up his sons and his daughters and seeing how we find joy in our own love stories. Can't you see it? God says to his angels, "Hey, what about Noah for Allie? She's a little impulsive, but his quiet confidence will bring balance to their relationship. Can you set that up? I have a great idea for a love story that suits them." Or God says, "Wow. Those two would really make a great pair. But they need some time and he hasn't really noticed her yet, although I think she has an idea that he would be great for her. Let's write an amazing story for them and see what they think about it." I can just see it now. God is gazing at me with a thoughtful look on his face saying, "Just wait until you see what I have for you, my daughter. Just you wait..."