I really shouldn't complain. A year ago, I was working a temp job in Denver, wondering if my degree would ever mean anything, and trying to figure out exactly what I wanted for my life. Now, I feel as though I'm where I want to live, I have a job I can use my degree for, and I think I know what I want for my life. Well, I do know what I want, I just don't see it in my life quite yet. I'm confused because here I am a year later having made so many great steps forward, and yet I still feel unhappy about things in my life. Why?
One reason is I'm lonely. And I don't mean to say that I don't have people in my life. I do. I have wonderful amazing people who love and care about me more than I can say. Seriously, God has blessed me with an amazing family and wonderful friends who have stuck with me during some rough times when I definitely wasn't at my best. But many of these people live far away. And those who live closer, are just in a different season of life than I am. And it feels lonely to always be the single one, the childless one, the one still living with her parents. And I'm at peace with being all these things...it just feels lonely when there aren't that many people around who feel they can relate to all this. I guess I could really use a community of friends who are living life in a similar season as myself. Friends who also love God. Friends who like to grab a beer every once in a while. Friends who will take me as I am. I know these types of friendships take time to build, but you have to start somewhere and I just wish I could find those people.
Secondly, I'm really wondering about my job. Some days, I feel as though it's the perfect position for me and I love it. I love that I get to use my counseling skills and I love that I get to learn more about autism and have tons of hands-on experience. I love several of my co-workers and I love that I get to be at The Children's Home. However, I miss working with little kids. I miss working in a school (I know! Who saw that one coming?). I miss doing something where I know what the routine will be instead of my job where the schedule is different every day and some days I don't even know what my schedule will be until I get there. And maybe some of this is that my heart has just felt so heavy lately. I really feel for my kids. While this is a good thing, I need to learn how to separate myself emotionally so that I can breathe in between each work day.
Third, I miss using my creative side. I haven't sung (except for in my car or in church) in so long. I miss being a part of a choir or being on worship team. I miss writing poetry for fun. And while that last one is totally up to me, I just haven't felt like it. I've been so tired that it's hard for me to sit and think like that. But maybe I need to more. Maybe I need to just sit and think and get my thoughts out on paper. Either way, I miss that creative musical piece of me. I'm good at it and I feel closer to God when I do it.
Hopefully, my little ship will find a lighthouse to rest by soon. Maybe it will be the friend lighthouse. Maybe it will be a security at work lighthouse. Or maybe it will be a creative and song laden lighthouse. No matter what, I hope that it's soon. Because my heart is feeling heavy and I just don't know how much more I can take...
