the acceptance of anger

A few days ago I published a post on anger and then a few hours after posting, I deleted it. I didn't delete it because I didn't want those thoughts out there, but because I don't think it accurately expressed exactly what I was trying to get across. On the blogging scale of emotional expression, it I felt that it was more of a rant than a discussion on my experience of the emotion of anger. I don't want to rant. I do, however, wish to put out there my thoughts on the acceptance of anger.

As I said before (if you read it before I deleted it), I have been feeling angry lately and recently discussed with a good friend of mine the topic of being ok with being angry at the world just because life feels unfair. That discussion got me thinking. Sure, I feel spoiled because lately I have felt pretty angry about the direction my life hasn't taken and the direction that I wish it would take, but if I didn't allow myself to feel that anger, wouldn't that be even more unhealthy than expressing that anger?

I'm curious why it is that we as a society put anger in the "negative" emotion side of things. Sure, it's not fun to feel angry or to have someone be angry at you, but anger is still an emotion and if we didn't allow ourselves to feel it, well, we'd just become bitter all the time and dwell on whatever it was that triggered our anger in the first place. Or, I once heard in my masters program that depression is often anger turned inward. So maybe we would all walk around being depressed. Either way, not feeling and dealing with the anger and the reason for it does not produce positive results. It may feel negative to experience anger, but not experiencing it is even more negative. If this is true, then why shy away from it and feel shame in expressing it? Even if it is for the simplest reasons.

Right now, it's true that I am angry about my relational status. I'm not ranting about how I'm entitled to a marriage and I'm not some bitter single 30 something woman either. I'm just flat out upset that my story isn't different and that it isn't what I had hoped it to be. Mostly, my anger stems from this feeling that it's unfair that some of my friends and family get to celebrate the joys and experiences of being married and planning a life and a family with someone while I am still waiting. I'm not angry at those I care about nor do I think that I'm more deserving than they are. They are very deserving and I am so joyful to celebrate with them at their weddings and when they have children. I am just tired of asking God for this one thing and always celebrating for someone else and never getting to experience it for myself. It makes me angry at God because it feels like God isn't listening and doesn't care that I desire this piece of life to exist in my own life so much. I don't hate God by any means and I haven't shut God out of my life or stopped worshipping God for all the many ways God has truly and deeply blessed my life. I sometimes feel ungrateful because I still desire this one thing, but that's just not true. I am very grateful for many things in my life. I just don't understand this one piece. And it makes me kind of angry about it.

Three months ago, I was in a relationship with someone that I loved very much. But our lives just weren't going in the same direction anymore. Even if I had found a way to move to be near him, I think our own desires for what we wanted in our future lives were different, no matter how we may have tried to convince ourselves otherwise. I guess I could say to myself that I don't have to be single. I could tell myself that I was with a man who wanted to marry me and I'm angry because I did this to myself. But that's just not true. I wanted it to work with him very much and I worked hard at our relationship for a long time. But I truly believe that it wasn't me and that it wasn't him but it just wasn't God's best for each of us. Or maybe we were amazing for each other, but there are still life lessons for each of us to learn. I'm not saying that we'll get back together, just that I believe that God sometimes brings relationships into our lives to grow us into the mature people God desires us to be. I'm upset that this relationship wasn't the one I had been hoping it would be, but I don't regret all that the relationship was or that I ended it. I'm a stronger woman for it, despite, and maybe because of, not having the fairy tale ending I had thought it would have.

A wise woman once told me that if I was angry at God, that I should hold God's feet to the fire because if anyone can handle my anger, God can. I truly believe that. I do believe that one day (hopefully sooner rather than later) God will answer this prayer and I will get to experience all the things my heart desires. But right now, I'm just kind of angry about how this piece of my life didn't turn out the way I wish that it would have. That may make me sound a bit like a spoiled child, but it is truly how I feel about it. I'm not looking for people to feel sorry for me and comfort me in it. Sure, those things feel nice when you're angry about something, but it's not why I'm sharing this. I'm sharing it because I truly believe that this anger is just a piece of my journey in this area of my life. I don't plan to dwell on being angry or letting myself stay in this place for forever. But if I don't find acceptance of my anger with myself and with God, then how can I expect to resolve it and come to terms with life the way that it is? And who better to help me deal with this anger than God.

As I said at the beginning, it was a discussion with a good friend about allowing yourself to feel angry about the unfairness of life that brought on my thoughts for this blog. Honestly, I think it's a healthy perspective. Even if it's mundane and you're just angry because it's unfair that you have to work while everyone else gets a snow day. Maybe instead of ignoring it and telling ourselves that it's ridiculous to feel angry over such a small thing, we should allow ourselves to feel it so that we can recognize it for what it is and then be able to move on with our days and our lives. For me that means to accept that I am kind of angry about my singleness right now. Some day I'll feel at peace about it again and I'll have a deeper relationship with God for going through it. But without acceptance first, I'll never be able to experience the peace I truly long for.

let it snow?

Well, here I am sitting at home during another snow day. This is the third one in the past two weeks. That means

three less days of payment. Grrrr. On the plus side, the snow is pretty and it allows me to relax a bit. Today, I slept in, watched a good movie after a big breakfast, and took a bubble bath while listening to some quality music by Andrew Belle. Of course, I also went for a run on the treadmill and spent an hour shoveling my car out of the snow. But it balances out. Tonight I plan on watching TV (new Bones...yay!) and drinking a beer with dinner. I am grateful for the positive of having an unexpected day off because both of my jobs are in schools. I suppose one day I may not be so lucky.

I am enjoying work though. I began my part-time gig at The Children's Home of Cromwell this week. I am a one-to-one aide for an 8th grade student at their onsite school called the Learning Center. I am there for 2.5 hours M-F. So far, my student has only shown up for one of the three days that I have been there. She seems like a very sweet girl and I'm excited to get to know her. My one goal with her (for now) is to improve her motivation to be in school. Clearly, it's low. If she comes tomorrow, then she will have been to two days of school this whole week. Granted, it has been snowing practically all week, but the other day students made it there so hopefully my student will begin to come too.

Since she hasn't been there, I've been hanging out in the classroom getting to know the other students and my fellow staff members. These are tough kids. They have experienced more emotional traumas in their short lifetimes than I may ever experience. But already, I like them. I know that there will be hard days ahead and that this is only the beginning, but I feel as though I could really work with these kids. I'm not quite sure what I have to offer them yet, but I know that I'll figure it out. And I'm very excited to get to know my specific student and discover what her story is. Next week I have training all week so I won't get much time with her then, but hopefully she'll come to school tomorrow and I can begin to build a rapport with her.

My after-school job has continued to go well and the students are in a "settling" stage. This is when they begin to push their boundaries a bit. The newness of having an after school program and meeting new leaders has begun to wear off and now the students want to see how far they can push us to go. I would say that my team is holding up pretty well. This is a tough stage as you still want to build relationships with the kids, but you have to set your boundaries so they know how far they can go. Personally, I get pretty strict at this point. I don't set extreme consequences, but I follow through immediately with what I say and I let the kids know that I'm not intimidated by them and that I won't put up with anything. It is hard to do since I would much rather spend time getting to know them and joking around with them, but it is necessary. I will be glad when this stage is over and we can all loosen up a bit around each other.

So that's the update for now. Hopefully, I will be back at work tomorrow and there won't be anymore snowstorms for a little while. Truly, I don't mind the snow and I would much rather have snow on the ground all winter than have it be gray and brown all the time. It makes for a much prettier New England landscape...don't you think?

The Bachelor, Week 4

If you judged my life from this blog, apparently I am living from Bachelor episode to Bachelor episode. Truthfully, I have been spending most of my minutes figuring out my work schedule. But even if I really did live for every Monday night and the excitement that our resident crazy and all the other emotional crazies bring us, I would be ok with it. Speaking of crazy, did anyone else notice how neighborly and Mr. Rogers-esque Chris Harrison was in his lengthy cardigan sweater? That, or he borrowed one of the Forever Cardigans from J.Crew's women's collection. Either way, I miss the trendy Chris. Come back!

I want to title Monday's episode "From Curious to Crush to Crazy". Let me explain. When I was in college and then into my twenties, my close group of friends and I had a "crush" theory of sorts. At that point in our lives, we had more crushes on guys who may or may not have seemed to be interested in us than going on actual dates. Sometimes it materialized into a relationship, but often it was just a crush. So we had a theory. "Curious" is the first stage of crushing. You've met the guy and you like what you see. It could start with a good conversation at a party or by spending a few weeks sitting next to him in class or maybe you just saw him across the rehearsal space during choir practice. Whatever it was that attracted you to him, it made you want to know more. You start to become excited to see him at class, church, and social functions. At this stage, there's not a strong emotional attachment. The bachelorettes were at the Curious stage with Brad before they came on the show and then the first night. They liked what they saw and were excited to know more about a new possibility.

Then there's the "Crush" stage. You've had some time to get to know the guy and there are no immediate red flags so you've begun to have an emotional attachment. Your heart flutters when he's around, you think about the outfit you want to wear "in case" you bump into him, you've invited him to your best friends' parties, and maybe (just maybe!) he's invited you to gatherings as well. The Crush stage is fun and exciting for all involved. Your friends gush about him with you and how, yes, it did seem like he singled you out after worship rehearsal to ask you about your weekend plans. Whether or not he's asked you out yet, the possibility is still there and there's enough on his end where it seems like the crush is mutual. We have been seeing this stage with Brad since the first cocktail party with the girls. They all like him and they think that Brad likes them back. They're excited to see him and they want to spend more time with him when they can. There's some emotional attachment, but it's mostly just exciting and new.

Then, there's "Crazy". The Crazy stage is the worst. At this point, you know you like the guy and you know you want more than fun flirtation. But he hasn't asked you out yet. Or maybe he has asked you out and the date went really well, but he hasn't asked you again, even though he treats you the same every time you see him. This is the point where you think about him all the time. You not only hope to run into him, but maybe you know his route to work and you change yours in case you cross the same intersection and see each other. You not only discuss him with your friends, but you also obsess about whether or not he will call or maybe you shouldn't have a girls night in case he calls. You not only plan out the outfit you want to wear when you may or may not see him, but you also plan out your whole conversation and how you will ever so nonchalantly mention that he should ask you out again. And of course, your emotions are running high so you probably don't act like yourself whenever he's around. You know that you don't usually act like this, but he doesn't, so this stage can seal the deal that it won't work out. On the rare occasion, he might like you enough to look past it and soothe your worried emotions that he is still interested. But most times, once you've reached Crazy, the relationship doesn't stand much of a chance.

This is where we are at with our girls and Brad. Some of them have been lucky enough to stay in the Crush stage. They are still interested in Brad and they have reason to believe that he is interested in them from the way he treats them. They have remained true to themselves and are able to just have fun with the possibility of being with Brad. Others are not so lucky. If I was the onsite counselor for the show this week, it would be all about the girls who have found their way to the Crazy stage. Ashley H in particular. She is having some real issues with dealing with her emotions...which she has self-proclaimed. She has had a one-on-one date with Brad, but there hasn't been much since then to let her know that he is still deeply interested in her. She's just waiting around and the waiting has propelled her to Crazy. Her negative attitude is a deflection of the attachment she already feels to Brad. Ashley H actually seems a bit bipolar with a relaxed conversation with Brad one day and an emotional relationship defining talk the next. I don't think this her usual mode of operation...she is just in the Crazy stage.

Chantal also seems to be in the Crazy stage. When we first met her, she was a strong woman who didn't think twice about slapping the Bachelor on national TV. She clearly has a strong attachment to Brad and they had a great connection on their first one-on-one. Chantal was so confident about his feelings for her until...Brad brought out the picnic basket for Emily. Granted, this is a special situation and not like real life at all, but we see how Chantal questions Brad's attachment to her when she realizes that Brad hasn't entirely committed to her yet. She obviously has a strong attachment to Brad and is a little bit Crazy about it. Again, this is probably not the way Chantal is normally with guys...but with Brad, she's in the Crazy.

We also saw Crazy rear it's ugly head during the Alli-Ashley S-Shawntal exchange. Alli sat down with Brad for 2 shakes and Ashley S was there. Ashley S moves with Brad to another bench and Shawntal shows up almost immediately. The girls are getting possessive and territorial with Brad. They are showing their Crazy and forgetting to keep the fun and attractiveness of Crush in the game.

And then there's Michelle. She's actually been in the Crazy from day one. And I do think it's normal for her so she doesn't apply to this example. Crazy for her is capitalized because, well, she doesn't seem to have another mode of operation. Unfortunately for Brad, he doesn't see the Crazy yet. I'm surprised that he also doesn't see Michelle's lack of facial expression. Anyone else notice that she hardly smiles? Ever?

I honestly hope that I do get to some day counsel women who have slipped into the Crazy stage. I have been there plenty before and I know what it's like. These women just need a bit of a reminder that Brad likes who they are as they are. It would also be a good reminder for them to remember that there are people in their lives who love and accept them as they are. Brad may be a good guy and he may be the man of the hour, but only one of these women will be able to have a chance for a lifetime with him. The rest will move on and find someone else. Yes, emotions are running high and it's ok to have a crush and be interested. But watch out for Crazy. It could make or break their chances for relationship. Take it from someone who's been there.

One final thing...notice how both Chantal and Ashley H were ones that I talked about becoming emotionally attached too quickly and they are now the ones whose Crazy is showing the most. I hope those "daddy issues" don't get in the way any more because I really like these girls.

Have a wonderful week! I will hopefully post an update on my jobs soon. It feels good to have a regular work schedule. Tonight though, it's snowing and I have nowhere to go. Ahhhh winter!

The Bachelor, Week 3

I wanted to write my Bachelor thoughts yesterday, but there was an ice storm here and we lost power. So instead of using the internet, watching TV, or making a hot meal, I had a wonderful chat with my mom, sewed by candlelight, and ate a delicious (but cold) chicken salad dinner with my parents while listening to a podcast on my Dad's iphone. I gained a new perspective on what a typical winter evening may have been like in the early 20th century...well, without the iphone of course. Also, while watching an episode of Alias on Monday, I all of a sudden got super happy when I saw Chris Harrison as an extra. Who knew Chris had a career as an extra before becoming our esteemed host of The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise? Of course, Alias was on abc, as is The Bachelor. Clearly, someone has Harrison's back.

To be honest, I really wasn't sure what to write about this week. Michelle's crazy takes away from everyone else. At least she is living up to her diagnosis. Her narcissism seeps into our lives through the television screen as she steals our attention from anyone else who might have a bit of crazy to share. C'mon Michelle...share the crazy.

However, interestingly enough, plenty of "daddy" issues came to light. Ashley S and Chantal opened up and shared with us the hurt they'd experienced in their lives. And last week, Ashley H opened up about how her dad didn't play a role in her life. As a counselor, I can't help but think about how that must affect their lives, especially in their romantic relationships. Now, I don't want to diminish the hurt or the emotional depth that these experiences affect their lives on a regular basis. I do want to point out how I think they should proceed in their relationship with Brad, coming from a counselor point of view.

All three girls mentioned above, Ashleys S & H and Chantal, expressed an experience of hurt in their relationships with their fathers. The loss of a parent, no matter how the loss is experienced, can sometimes lead to attachment issues. Ashley S expressed the loss of her father to a brain aneurism, which is sudden and traumatic. I think she said it had been a few years. Given the beginning of Ashley S's relationship with Brad involved a song that was dear to her heart because it connected her to her father, I think it's safe to say that she is already feeling attached to Brad on a deeper level than might be usual for the length of time that they've known each other. However, for their situation, this might work in her favor as they only have a short amount of time to get to know each other. On the other hand, this may deeply affect Ashley S as she may feel a deep attachment to Brad, but he doesn't feel as attached to her in the end.

Ashley H, who expressed that her story was similar to Brad's in last weeks episode, seems to have a good handle on her feelings and the reality of her situation. She seems to be healthy in dealing with the reality of her relationship with her father and how it affects her. In Ashley H's case, her attachment to Brad could come from having similar backgrounds in their relationships with their fathers. For the purpose of the show, this could possibly work to Ashley H's advantage as Brad may also feel a deep attachment to her as anyone would when discovering a common thread between their story and the person they're romantically interested in. As someone who has experienced this, I can say that attachment can be deep, intense, and deceptive in determining how advanced the relationship actually is. This type of attachment can emotionally progress a relationship quickly before the two people involved realize how well they actually know each other.

Then there is Chantal. I don't want to diminish the pain of her story at all and I certainly cannot imagine the pain of coming to terms with a father who wasn't there for her only to discover that she missed her chance to reconcile. However, of the three girls discussed here, she is the one I would be most concerned for as her counselor and in discussing romantic attachment. She has outright said that she can't be alone in her interview prior to meeting Brad. From what we've seen of her, she has a tough exterior, but quickly became emotional when alone with Brad. I do recognize that the nature of their conversation was deep and an emotionally revealing moment for Chantal, but from what we've seen of their relationship, they haven't had a whole lot of time to connect one-on-one and yet Chantal already seems very attached to Brad. As her counselor, I would hope that Chantal would be able to distinguish her desire to seek healing in the situation with her father in order to have a healthy relational attachment to Brad. And of course, it is quite possible that I'm reading too much into it (as I may be with all the girls), but, she did seem to very quickly develop an emotional attachment to Brad without much basis for it. Her divorce may also play a role in how she relates with Brad, but we haven't heard that much about it yet. Hopefully, she will be able to attach to Brad himself and not just the idea of having someone to be with.

It was interesting to me how differently these three ladies opened up to Brad in comparison to Emily. I can't say that either way was "right" per say, but I did admire how Emily seemed to react more appropriately for where her relationship with Brad was than the other girls. In this situation though, it is very hard to determine what is "appropriate" for where their relationship is at as their time is limited and we clearly do not see every moment the girls get with Brad. I know Emily is my favorite, and I am therefore partial to her, but it was good to see that she had emotional boundaries in order to protect herself. Telling Brad was necessary for the situation and deflecting him at first probably made it hard on him to get to know her as quickly as the other girls. But so many of these girls seem to have very little boundaries with how much they share emotionally so I thought it was nice to see that from Emily.

And finally, I couldn't leave without saying something about Maddison! I was so excited to see what she might bring to the show at the beginning...mostly because I thought she would be a live wire in the house. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised to see her maturity in recognizing where she was at relationally in comparison with the other women in the house. I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision, especially when the bachelor is so crazy hot! But I guess he just wasn't her type...maybe she's more of an O negative than A positive... Sorry, couldn't leave without putting a blood joke in there.

Have a great evening all!

no school...no money...but plenty of love for Glee!

There is a new Glee tonight...Finally! Also glad that there is something for me to look forward to since there is no school today in West Hartford. Normally, that would be a welcome announcement. However, since I get paid by the hour and since I have essentially been unemployed for the past two months, I'm actually disappointed. I know I should enjoy these moments as there will soon be a day when regardless of what the schools do, I will still have to work. Until that day, I will be looking for things to do today. So, if you are also looking for things to do today, enjoy this video, comment here, and maybe I will write more later. :-)

working girl

So much can change in the short time span of a week! A week ago I was feeling completely lost in the whole job hunt thing. Today, I have a week of work under my belt at my new job as a Site Coordinator with Bridge Family Centers in West Hartford. I also had an interview with the Cromwell Children's Home on Friday for another part time position that could possibly supplement my other position. Plus, I would still be able to work the occasional shift with J.Crew. Whew! God can be so immediately faithful sometimes! I know that God is always faithful, but I am just so blown away with how immediately He has shown His faithfulness in these prayers. Just when I thought all hope was lost, all of a sudden my working life seems to pull together in ways I didn't imagine were possible.

I am really enjoying my job with the after-school program. The kids are excited to be there and seem to be having a great time with the program. I am excited to continue to get to know them better as the weeks progress. I am also enjoying my co-workers. There are two after-school programs run by the same organization at two different schools. My school began their program this week and the other school will begin theirs next week. For our first week, two of the people from the other program came to help us out, which I am very grateful for! However, I am also sad that I won't be working with them on a consistent basis as I really enjoyed their involvement with the kids.

I directly work with two group leaders at my school for the remainder of the school year. One woman I work with is a Russian woman who has raised her own kids and has been involved in after-school programs for a while. She is very interesting and I'm excited to get to know her better. The other guy who will be working with us will start on Tuesday and he is Ghanaian. He speaks three languages fluently and has basic skills in another language. Besides English, I have never even heard of the other three languages as they are African dialects. We are quite the international team!

Even as a part-time position, it feels great to be in a supervisory position again. I feel as though I know what I'm doing and I'm good at it. I'm glad to be able to use both counseling and teaching qualifications. And mostly, it feels good to be in a place where I feel as though I can grow in my career and not worry about possibly wanting to move out of state for one reason or another. I'm here until further notice and it feels good!

I haven't heard back yet about the interview on Friday, but I have a good feeling that it will work out. Hopefully, I will soon be working close to 30 hours per week and gaining some of those ever elusive hours for my counseling license. I have faith that these positions God has placed in my life will lead to where He's been guiding me to be for the past four years while I have been transitioning from a life in teaching to a counseling career. Let the adventure continue!

The Bachelor, Week 2

Well, the journey has officially begun. I know it's the second week of The Bachelor, but I always feel as though the show doesn't truly begin until the women have all settled into the house, dates are happening, feelings growing, claws get sharpened, and then used. The second week is also when we begin to see the true personalities of these women. I'm sure there is plenty that happens behind the scenes that we see where the women's personalities are visible as well. However, I only have the edited version to use, so my analyses will have to stick solely to what the abc producers decide to feature on that evenings show. So, while I was super excited to find something fun to write about Madison, I do believe that abc has handed me a personality disorder on a silver platter...thank you abc! And thank you Michelle. Both for having a birthday and for letting us know so....many...times...that it was your birthday. And, for other things I suppose that made this first Bachelor blog easy.

Disclaimer: I in no way intend to say that any of these women actually have a clinical or mental disorder of any sort. Neither do I claim to be clinically correct in my analyses. This is just a combination of a guilty pleasure with my career direction. I am aware that this is TV and a person's true persona can be altered thanks to editing and such. I am sure that these women are perfectly nice and emotionally healthy people in real life.

Back to Michelle. Let's see what she has to say for herself.

.

Well, a lot apparently. Michelle thinks very highly of herself. I believe we discovered that last week when she declared herself a woman and all the other contestants "girls". Michelle is also very egotistical. "It's my birthday....I'm 30 today...I deserve time with Brad....Did I mention it's my birthday?..." and so on. Her statements were not about an excitement to celebrate her birthday, but more about how she was entitled to get what she wanted because it was her birthday. It will be interesting to see what else Michelle feels entitled to throughout the show for other reasons. Michelle was clearly not ok with sharing the day with 15 other people. Michelle needs to feel special but, set herself up to not feel special since she would have to share the day with 14 other women and wouldn't be the center of attention. Everything seemed to be all about her. Whether it needed to be about her because it was her birthday or not, I'm not sure. But I think I'm making a pretty good analysis when I say that for Michelle, it will always be about her on this show. While Michelle may not have been a drama queen like Melissa and Raichel were with their cat-fights, she certainly was passive aggressive about getting Brad to notice her by leaving the group and pulling his attention to her. Michelle had several flirty approaches with Brad, but again, they seemed more about her. "Brad, let me peel your layers. I know you." "Brad, I need to ask you questions now. Granted they're just about coffee and what's in your bachelor fridge, but see how much you are like me." Michelle also has very good self-esteem...especially when it comes to her kissing abilities. "When Brad and I kiss, it will be like fireworks. (pause for dramatic interpretation of fireworks) After me, kissing the other girls will be one...big...disappointment." Whatever Michelle, you are so a drama seeker.

Naturally, I was immediately drawn to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Who saw that coming, right? (sarcasm intended, of course) Here are diagnostic criteria straight from the DSM IV with Michelle's characteristics:

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (her birthday is clearly of utmost importance)
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love (I think we all know that she thinks Brad is her ideal love)
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (ahem...Brad. But the other women are clearly beneath her.)
4. requires excessive admiration (duh)
5. has a sense of entitlement, i.e. unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations (again, the birthday thing)
6. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends (we may not have seen much of this yet, but I would place my money on the fact that any "friends" Michelle makes are only to achieve her own goals).
7. lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others (bragged and flaunted her alone time with Brad without any censoring or understanding that the other women may also have had alone time with Brad)
8. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her (pouted when others were getting more attention than her and copped out of commercial activity)
9. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes. (see kissing comment above)

The other personality type I considered was Histrionic Personality Disorder. However, I was able to rule that out since that disorder usually has more of a dramatic flair to it and Histrionic personalities typically are ok with being seen as fragile or or dependent if it will get then the attention they crave. This is not Michelle. According to how she was portrayed on the show, Michelle shows classic signs of Narcissistic personality types.

For you other psychology nerds, here is a five-axis diagnosis:

Axis I V71.09 No diagnosis

Axis II 301.81 Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Axis III V71.09 No diagnosis

Axis IV Problems related to the social environment

Axis V GAF = 60 (until further issues with women evolve...which they inevitably will)

Thanks for reading my completely nerdy interpretation of last night's Bachelor! Of course, there is much else to say, but I will leave that to more experienced Bachelor bloggers.

In other news....day two of my job went well! I found out that I actually do not have to work on Wednesdays so tomorrow I will be off and will possibly have time to update job news then. Also, there is a huge snow storm hitting the east coast and schools have already preemptively

canceled for tomorrow. So myself with the entire state of Connecticut will be snowed in our houses and finding things to do. Until then...

for emma, forever ago

One of my favorite things about being home is getting to spend more time with my niece Emma. Since I was last home in June for her first birthday, she is now walking, talking, and looks more like a little girl than a baby. I am amazed with how fast she grows! And she's pretty funny. Soon after I arrived home, I attended church with my sister Becca, brother-in-law Ben, and little Emma. Emma has a pink dog/blanket named Sparky that she brings around with her everywhere. During the service, Emma was sitting in her mom's lap and decided that she no longer needed to hold onto Sparky so she handed him to me. Not long afterwards, she decided that she wanted Sparky back. She doesn't really say "Sparky" yet so it's just an "Arf!" or "Woof!" when she's talking about him. However, this time, she wanted him back during a really quiet time of the church service and while everyone was praying, Emma goes "Woof!" Becca and I laughed quietly until our sides hurt.

She is also SUPER strong willed. Whenever Emma comes over to hang out with Mimi (grandma) and me while her mom is working, she knows EXACTLY what she wants to do. Mostly, she likes for one of us to "hide" while she goes to the end of the long hallway and sneaks up on us until we say "BOO!" to make her laugh. She then immediately runs back to the beginning of the hallway to start all over. We hide in the same spot every time but it really doesn't matter. She could play this game for hours and in fact, does. And I guess you could stop playing if you wanted, but if she's not done playing, she will grab your hand, pant leg, or shirt, and pull you over to where she wants you to be. All the while she's saying "Hide. hide. hide." One word commands are her specialty.

Today was her first experience sledding. It was fun for us and a little scary for her. Or maybe not scary, but definitely new and she wasn't prepared for it. Her first run down the hill with her Dad went pretty good up until they ended in a snowbank and she got snow in her coat. Not that I blame her. Snow in your coat is not comfortable. So we tried again and she went down the hill with Pa (grandpa). She cried the whole way. After that run, Emma began asking to play with the big pink exercise ball my parents have in the basement. So, my mom got that out and Emma was much happier chasing that in the snow while my dad, Ben, and I experimented with the different sleds and had fun sledding ourselves. After a few minutes, we decided to try again and sent Emma down the hill with Mimi (who is her favorite person after Mom and Dad...sometimes even before Mom or Dad) AND the pink ball. It kind of worked. At least she cried less but mostly I think it was because the pink ball was there and she thought it was funny when it flew off the sled halfway down. Ah well, we tried! She did really enjoy watching the other three of us sled down the hill and would call out our names as we came down..."Pa!" "Da-eee!" "Ar-in!"

Well, I could go on and on about how cute and wonderful she is, but I won't...for now. She really is such a joy to be around and an all around great little girl. I'm biased...but with good reason.

here comes the sun...

Sometimes it's amazing how quickly things can change in just a few days. It was just Wednesday that I posted my last blog. It was only on Wednesday that I was worried about money and life and my future. And while obviously not all my questions have been answered, one has and sometimes (most times) that's enough of a reminder that God is still listening.

Here's the quick version of the story:

Tuesday, I had lunch with my friend Gina from high school. She said she would keep an eye out for jobs she saw I might be interested in and true to her word, she emailed me a few links to postings that night. I applied to both online and then called it a night.

Wednesday...well, you saw what Wednesday was like!

Thursday, I decided to spend time with my mom, sister, and niece and just forget about the whole job search thing. I needed a break from all the worry and stress of it all. Plus, it was obviously making me freak out about other areas in my life that I don't have answers too...that I may never have answers too. Anyway, Thursday was a great day. I left my phone upstairs and just relaxed with people I love. When I went to my room after dinner that night, I saw I had a message. It was from the HR lady for one of the jobs my friend Gina had forwarded me. It was after office hours, but I called her back anyway and left a message.

Friday, I kept my phone nearby all morning in case she called me back. She called right as I was about to start my run on the treadmill. She had some preliminary questions for me about the job to make sure I was ok with some of the details and then wanted to know if I would be available for an interview that afternoon! So I went over and the interview went really well. I felt very comfortable with both interviewees and I really felt like this was a job that I could do and that I would enjoy.

I had to work last night afterwards, but I had some time to kill so I walked around West Hartford before heading to the mall to work. After I parked, I noticed that I had a message. It was the HR lady wanting me to call her back. I did, and she said she had some questions for me. First, she wondered if I could start Monday. Yes! Then, she let me know that one of the supervisory positions for the program had recently opened up and they wanted to fill it in as soon as possible. She wondered if I was interested in that position instead. Since that was the job I had originally hoped to get in the first place, my answer was of course, yes!

I am very excited! This may not be the career job I was hoping for and I'm not sure if it will help me gain my hours for counseling licensure, but I am excited about this job nonetheless. It is an open door to a counseling organization and I will be working closely with the head of the Family Services part of the organization. There are other pieces to this story where I really felt like God worked in my life so immediately after having such a down day. I know it doesn't always work out like this and God sometimes has other plans that take much longer to come to fruition, but I know that this was His work and that He is good! Even if this didn't happen, God is still good, but sometimes, it's just nice to tangibly see God's goodness in my life!

If you're interested to know more about the job, here is the original job link:

http://jobs.careers.org/job/J8H0556HHTF6S9G7D5W/Part-Time-Site-Coordinator-and-Group-Leader

I interviewed for the Group Leader position but they offered me the Site Coordinator position.

That's all for now!

stormy weather

Well, today was one of those days where I just felt like everything was hopeless. I'm never going to find a job. I will always be alone and I'm never going to meet a good man and get married. I'm never going to have my own kids. I'm never going to find an apartment all my own again. I will always feel like I missed out on life in some way because nothing turned out the way I thought it should have. You know...completely self-focused and depressed about my whole situation. It was the type of day where when I got in my car, I immediately began crying and yelling at God for not making my life easier right now, only to feel guilty immediately after because actually, I have a pretty blessed life. I'm not living on the streets, I'm not starving somewhere, and I'm not Lindsay Lohan (although, we do have the same birthday). So, I don't have a job. But I do have parents who love me and who have a house where they can take me back in while I continue to wade through the complications of the counseling world. So, I'm not married. But I'm also not married to the jerk who hits his wife or is emotionally abusive. I also have a wonderful support system in my friends and family and I know that there are people in this world who love me and think that I am deserving of love in my life. So, I'm not having my own kids right now. That doesn't mean that I won't someday. Although, watching so many of my friends go through this stage in life right now makes this desire grow all that much stronger and increases the pain and fear that this may actually never happen for me. Even if I have to wait until I'm 45 to get married, I could have marriage in my life, but probably never biological children. It hurts, but...well, someday I'll come up with a silver lining for this one.

My point is that while life feels really hard and painful for me right now, I do have so many good things going on as well. It is so hard to truly realize the good things and the blessings in life when it feels like Satan keeps chipping away at all the things we think give us value and meaning. Of course it doesn't lessen the fact that these things are hard for me right now. I am a mostly cheery and positive person who loves singing, dancing, laughing, and finding the sparkle in life, but I also don't want to gloss over the fact that this transition is hard. This is harder than transitioning to adult life after college. This is harder than transitioning to living in Colorado. The reason I think this is just so hard is that I know what I want in life. I figured out what career path I feel God has called me to. I was made to be in deep, meaningful, and intimate relationships and I believe that marriage is the ultimate experience of that. I love children and I just cannot wait to name, nurture, and raise one or two or five of my own. I want to live out east and be near to family and within driving distance of the ocean. I know I want all these things and yet, like many things that I do, I seem to be taking the longest and hardest route to get there...wherever there may be.

To go back to the analogy, I knew that when I got back here, home, this side of the rainbow, that it would be gray for a while. That all that brilliance of color in the adventure would disappear and life would seem to stand still for a bit in the grayness. I knew that even though I had gotten through some storms to get here, that there would still be more before the sun would shine. I knew it just wouldn't all come together. But even when it's expected, going through the storm and sitting in the grayness is difficult.

They say that it's darkest before the dawn. I hope the storm is strongest before the sun comes out too. Because I am so ready for that sun.

The Bachelor, Week 1

Ok...so today begins the first week of the new season of The Bachelor featuring Brad Womack who is back for his second round as the lucky man of the hour. I unashamedly LOVE this show. Who doesn't want to see 30 (that's right...there are 30 this season!) women fight over the same man and yet pretend to be friends when he's not around? :-)

Anyway, I thought about including my thoughts on The Bachelor each week in my blog. But so many people do that already and I don't want to to compete. My favorite of which is written by a girl named Lincee on her site www.ihategreenbeans.com. If you love the show, this blog will make you laugh. If you hate the show and have never watched, I still think it will make you laugh, so check it out! Then, I thought maybe on this blog I would conduct my own version of Fantasy Bachelor, the game a few of my friends and I came up with a few years ago as a girl alternative to Fantasy Football. I still may do a version of this as I like picking who I think will be picked in the end, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized how much work that might be to organize and keep up. Then, while discussing these options with my friend Carrie last night, I joked that I could psychoanalyze the girls on the show. She said, "Yes! I want to see some 5-axis diagnoses." Hmmmmm...an idea was born.

So, I'm not quite sure how this will work but I am going to try to combine my love of psychology and counseling with my love of The Bachelor. Each week, I will pick one girl still on the show to analyze from a counseling perspective. Possibly, there will be diagnoses. Or maybe I will just suggest some Gestalt counseling exercises that could help with the process of many women dating just one man. The possibilities are endless!

A quick disclaimer: I want to put out there that I mean none of the girls harm or ill-will and I am sure that they are all perfectly lovely women to their friends, families, and loved ones. I just want to combine two things that I love and see what we can come up with. Also, I am perfectly aware that any diagnosis I may present is probably not clinically correct and in no way do I mean to say that the girls I analyze definitively fit my analysis. It is just an experiment.

For this first episode, it was hard to truly pick any of the girls since there is so little time with each of them. However, I do see that there is a lot of potential this season. The most notable being Madisen, the 25 year old who is a vampire. Well, at least she thinks she is since she has vampire crowns over two of her teeth. Yikes. Also some very catty girls it seems as well as some clingy ones. So, let me know what you think and next week, let the cyber-entertainment-counseling process begin.

Finally, my pick for this season is Emily, the young Southern Belle mom. Even if she doesn't end up with Brad at the end, she is already my favorite as she actually seems real, down to earth, and more mature than most of the other women in the house. So...we will see!

Have a great night everyone!

ruby slippers

Hello friends! As a part of my new adventure in life, I have decided to begin a personal blog. I hope that through my writings, I can share my life with my friends and family as I continue to explore and experience life. Also, as writing has always been a good way for me to process my thoughts and life experiences, it will be my way of finding the rainbows in my life during what has been a season of storms and uncertainty.

If you know me well, you know that "The Wizard of Oz" has been one of my favorite movies/stories since childhood. As a child, I'm not sure exactly what it was about it that captured my attention. Since I saw the movie before I read the book, I mostly identify with Judy Garland's portrayal of Dorothy. Maybe as a girl I was enraptured with the brilliant colors after the grayness in the beginning. Or perhaps it was the music and the singing. Of course, it could have been as simple as the ruby slippers and a little girl's desire to own sparkly red shoes of her own. My dad liked to say that I had seen the movie at least 40 times by the time I was 5 so it really could have been any one of those things as I honestly do not remember what fascinated me so much as a little girl.

As I grew up, I remember that it was the adventure of the story I was drawn to. I always felt like there was more to life for me than what I could find in my own backyard and I just couldn't wait to get out there and explore. And so, explore I did. As soon as I could, I left my home in Connecticut to go to school in Chicago. I couldn't wait to explore the big city and become a city girl. After college, I loved the city so much that I stayed. Eventually, I found a teaching job, a church, and the best friends a girl could ask for all in the wonderful city of Chicago. But the appeal of adventure tugged at my heart strings again and after 10 amazing years of being a city girl, the mountains of Colorado called my name.

So off I was again. Living in Colorado has been one of the greatest adventures of my life to date. I moved there without really knowing anyone in or anything about the area I was moving to. My grad school program there was perfect for the career direction I felt finally fit the woman God created me to be. And once again, God brought some of the most amazing people that I've ever met into my life during this time. From a beginning full of questions, my life became full and truly blessed in Colorado.

And yet, like Dorothy, during this entire adventure of city life and mountain experiences, all I wanted in the depths of my heart was to go home. I loved being away and learning how to live life on my own and find my own way in my faith, in my relationships, and in my career. But at the back of my mind, all I wanted, deeper than anything, was to be home. Like Dorothy, I sought adventure over the rainbow only to discover that what I truly desired was in my own backyard all along.

I have prayed about this move for a long time. I have asked people along the way how to get back home. I have followed the yellow brick road to new adventures. I have made irreplaceable and deep friendships along the way who have skipped, crept, and run along the path with me regardless of sunny skies, poppy fields, or the danger of flying monkeys. And then, God revealed to me that I had been wearing those coveted ruby slippers all along. The timing just hadn't been quite right yet. But now is the time. I have clicked my heels three times, whispered "there's no place like home", and now I'm here.

Of course, you and I know that it wasn't quite that easy. But, I do know that moving home is something that I have been praying about for a long time. When the timing was right, God moved some mountains and gave me the strength I needed to make some tough decisions in order to be here. Home.

I have no idea what lies for me back on this side of the rainbow. Yes, perhaps this analogy is a bit cheesy, but it's who I am. And I'm excited to share this new piece of the adventure with you after clicking my ruby slippers to take me back to the other side of the rainbow.