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Thursday, August 8, 2013

remembering how to walk on water

I have had these words I'm preparing to write floating around in my head for the past few weeks.  I just couldn't figure out how to start writing it or even whether I should.  It is always difficult to be open about moments in life when I just don't have any answers and God remains mum on the topic when we talk.  But, there was something in me prompting me to write it.  To put what has been floating around in my thoughts and in my heartbeat into the cyber world.  So, BIG BREATH, here goes...

Lately, I have been feeling...feeling...just feeling I guess.  This summer has been a season of grieving for me.  The loss of my beloved Grandma Betty.  Coming to terms with the fact that my life does not look like how I hoped it would at 34 and grieving those dreams.  Facing disappointment that a relationship did not turn out the way I wanted it, and believed that God wanted it, to.  Trying not to absorb the grief of some of my clients and learning how not to do that since clearly I had stuff of my own to work through.  It's always easier to blame someone else's problems for your sadness than actually dealing with whatever else is being stored up.  I have been sad at losses.  I have been angry at God for ways I felt He misled me and angry at myself for misunderstanding what I thought God had been telling me.  I have been frustrated that my life feels out of my control and that there is nothing to do to change it at this point.  In fact, I feel as though I have been trying to change some things and instead of things changing, I just end up more tired and more exhausted and with no results.  Lots of questions, but no answers.  Support from those who love me, but no solutions.  What to do when the only thing I really want is to learn how to be satisfied with the life God has given me.  Instead, I'm too human to stop dreaming for what my little heart desires.

I thought I would return to some of my stand-by favorite artists for assistance...Madeleine L'Engle and Nichole Nordeman.  I actually developed a love for the material of both of these women around the same time in my life...about 10 years ago when I was going through another period of questions for my life.  And I am, to this day, convinced that if the three of us women ever ended up in one room together that we would be instant kindred spirits.  I read Madeleine L'Engle's book Walking on Water as a part of an artists Bible study as a way to make our faith and our creativity align with God.  After that, I was hooked. I think I have read 80% of her work and have multiple times felt as though the words on the page were taken directly from my thoughts.  I began my "imaginary" friendship with Nichole (we're totally on a first name basis, of course) when a friend of mine insisted that I needed to hear her album This Mystery.  The realness of her music and songwriting stuck with me and I couldn't stop listening to it, feeling grateful that FINALLY there was a Christian musician who seemed to get me.  I even stalked her after a concert in college and she was gracious enough to talk to me with a smile on her face and not once did she point out that maybe I was a little over-eager to be friends.  It just wasn't our time yet, I guess.

First, I re-read Walking on Water.  It was just as good the second time as the first.  I turned to this particular book to tap back into my creative side and artistic thought processes.  I have begun to notice that I know and love many people who think very practically.  Black and white.  B follows A and 1 plus 1 always equals 2.  There is value in practicality and sometimes I need a little more of it.  However, I started to feel less like myself because I thought because I don't think practically that there was something flawed with the way I was thinking.  I figured that reading Walking on Water would remind me of how God sees value in all ways of thinking.  Not only did it do that, but I also began to relax back into myself.  I remembered that dreaming and considering the possibility that I could walk on water is a very important part of me.  I enjoy thinking in the gray.  It excites me to consider all the possibilities, no matter how impractical.  With God, anything is possible and 1 plus 1 could actually equal 3...or at least enough loaves and fishes to feed a crowd of thousands.  All those miracles in the Bible actually did occur!  I was also encouraged to tap into my artistic side more than I have been doing.  My soul aches to sing.  My heart longs to put words into verse.  My mind desires to put conversations into a story.  My ears yearn for the depth of a well rehearsed orchestral number.  My eyes cry for a beautiful sunset.  My body itches to dance (and yes, I do dance by myself and I am not ashamed.  Try it.  You will feel so free.).  And I feel this way because God created me this way.  It is who I am.  I needed to be reminded of who I am as I work through this particular chapter in my life.

Shortly after I began re-reading Walking on Water, I discovered that Nichole Nordeman had actually written a book recently.  It's called Love Story: The Hand that holds us from the Garden to the Gates and it is written based on the album Music Inspired by The Story, which Nichole co-wrote.  It seemed to me like a good book to bring me back to the basics of my faith, which is exactly what I needed given that all my feelings were quickly spiraling into a crisis of faith.  I have been so blessed by this book (and the music from the cd, which I also bought just to round out my collection).  Nichole writes so honestly about how her life, the lives of those around her, and most importantly, the Bible characters she chose to bring to life relate to God and how God relates to them.  I have so appreciated how she brought God's relationship with each Bible character  into the 21st century and made it relevant.  While I am still working through my own questions, I have felt less abandoned by God and more reminded that he is GOD and in that I can trust.  Even when I am lamenting my own losses and disappointments.  Even when I don't understand and my life doesn't seem to make sense.  Even when I feel as though I've lost the will to try again to make change.  God can handle all of this and I don't need to let him off the hook for it.  I still don't know if God really does always give us the desires of our hearts and if he ever explains why he doesn't answer those prayers.  And some days, it is still work for me to remember that God loves me.  The words in Nichole's book have drawn me back to scripture and back to the story of love that is so precious to my heart...the gift of Jesus and how he loved us enough to give his life... for me.  God understands my heart and has gently reminded me that he's still there and will always give me what I need, even if it's not what I wanted.  And even in those moments, he will withstand my tantrum over the fact that what I wanted wasn't what I got.  He'll still love me as is, tell me to keep my eyes on him, and to walk on the water anyway.

Last week, I injured my back doing practically nothing.  I stood up.  That's what I did.  It has been a rather uncomfortable week and frustrating because I have not been able to physically do things that I love to do...like run.  Grrr.  However, one day, I was listening to a Bethany Dillon song that I had choreographed (well, a more accurate description would be that I created some "moves" and graceful arm sweeps) for myself to worship through a few years ago.  Despite the condition of my back, I was drawn to dance.  And so I did.  Amazingly enough, my back did not hurt once during the whole song.  I remembered all my "moves" and even put in a few new ones thanks to the ballet class I took last year.  For the first time this summer, I felt as though I was able to worship God fully.  I had not danced in that worshipful way in a few years and here I was, drawn to move in ways I did not think I could due to my injury.  But through my pain, God gave me freedom and I worshipped him fully.  That is what I am hoping for the outcome of this season of grieving for myself.  That through the pain, God will give me freedom and will draw me into worshipful creativity with him as I learn with each day what it means to keep my eyes on him without faltering when I don't understand.  With his help, and because I believe it will happen, I'll remember how to walk on water.