joyfully empty

Not too long ago, I was talking with one of my best friends over the phone and we briefly touched upon the subject of the price of gas. And how ridiculous it is. Seriously, I could drop about $50 just to fill my little Honda Civic! This made me think of how in high school I wouldn't want to spend a lot of money to fill the family van up, so I would fill it up about $5 worth and then pray that the van would make it all the places I needed it to go on just that. In fact, I knew how long the needle could be sitting on "empty" before I really needed to fill it up again. I haven't been that adventurous with my gas gauge since then, but I was an expert at it back then. With prices the way they are, I've been wondering if I should be more of an expert on how far I can go on "empty".

As I was falling asleep last night, I realized that this is a great analogy for how I've been feeling lately. I feel as though I have been seeing how long I can drive around on the road of life on "empty". Not that I'm not happy...I have been happy lately and I've had many happy moments. But just that I've felt as though I don't have that much to give out to others. I can recall a time in my life when many of the things that I did were of a giving nature. I gave of my time to events at school, I participated on the worship team at church, and I volunteered for several things. But lately, all I've had is enough energy to make it through the day-to-day. Not that there is anything wrong with this season of life, but just that it was an interesting realization for me. In fact, I think this is a good thing for me. I am, by nature, a giving person. I give my time, my self, gifts, and I do my best to be thoughtful and keep in touch with those close to my heart. So this feeling of being empty and stripped of all that used to be how I defined myself is actually...freeing.

I have wondered lately if God has stripped away all the things I used to think defined me with great purpose in mind. Now, there is a blank canvas to work with. Now, God can rub hands together and say, "It's time to get to work. I can do something with this!" And I truly feel like this is what is happening.

When I originally left Connecticut as an 18-year old and eager teenager, I was convinced I would never move back here. There never was anything wrong with Connecticut, but I felt so restricted here. So I took off for the big city of Chicago and there I was able to grow and develop into a God-fearing/loving/serving individual with a heart for kids and a love for life. I grew in my relationships and learned so many valuable life lessons. I became a city girl and loved it. Then I moved to Colorado to finally pursue a career path that I was happy and excited about. In Colorado, I grew up. I feel like it was there that I crossed into womanhood. I learned to let go of expectations and just let life wash over me. I learned to take things as they come and think outside of the box. I learned to let God surprise me. And then, I wanted to come home. For a long time I wanted that. So I did. I went home.

When I first got here, I thought being home would be temporary. I was eager to be a city girl again. I still am in a way. I still crave having diversity and serving children in lower socioeconomic systems. But I have found that I am growing to love living in Connecticut. There is still the possibility that something will come up somewhere and I'll take off for Boston or New York. For now, I am starting to feel settled. I am starting to find joy in being here and hope for a future here.

I of course have no idea what strokes God will paint next on that great white canvas. But I'm enjoying seeing the first few strokes of bright color to reflect the hope and joy that are slowly creeping back into the emptiness.

"...for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure."

~Philippians 2:13

for the sake of the harvest

Yesterday was one of those days. You know the kind. The days where something upsetting or stressful happens and just when you think you're not going to break, one more set-back ignites the flame of frustration, anger, and feeling like a failure.

Yesterday it was my job. Something was in the air from the moment I walked in the door. My class has art first thing in the morning and my one-to-one student didn't want to go. She usually does enjoy going to art, so I tried to reason with her to go. I said she had to go to get credit. She protested. I reiterated the fact that she would get a zero for art that day if she didn't go. She became angry and it was all over from that point on. I did my best to give her space while she was angry. She kicked walls, told me not to follow her, shut a door in my face and then proceeded to stand against it so I couldn't open it. And that was just my student. In other news, there was a water fight which resulted in lunch detention and consequently loud protests from the students involved. Needless to say, I was exhausted when I got home.

When I did get home, I felt like a failure. I felt like I had been working so hard to build positive relationships with these students and suddenly, no matter what I said or did, nothing was good enough. When my student was angry with me, I felt so frustrated and ill-equipped to know what to do or say. I so badly want to be a safe space for her and I felt as though I had ruined it just by doing my job. During the water fight, I didn't know what to do. Should I stop it? Should I let someone else handle it? What do I say to students who don't always care what I say in the first place? These feelings of inadequacy fell hard on my heart and I began to feel as though all the good I thought I had been doing was for nothing. I had failed.

Because of that one feeling of failure at my job, everything else suddenly became exaggerated and I lost it. Fortunately, my dad was home and was able to lend an ear for me to vent for a bit. That certainly helped. He was able to remind me that I'm not alone. I'm not the only person in the world struggling vocationally, struggling with feeling alone and misunderstood, struggling with transition.

One thing that has helped in my transition is a Beth Moore Bible study I have been participating in. There are four of us going through this study together. Two women live in Chicago and one in upstate New York. It has been so wonderful to be able to connect with these women on a spiritual level, even though we are so far apart. Our Bible study together has been intense and has definitely helped me to take a good look at my relationship with God and how deeply I truly believe in God and God's good and perfect will for my life. This is especially difficult when life seems to be so far from how I envisioned it would be by the time I reached my 30s. My work with these ladies and in this Bible study has challenged me and taken me deeper into relationship with God with every day, no matter how difficult the work to get there may be.

Usually, I do my Bible study homework in the morning. However, today I did not have time to truly dig into the homework I had waiting for me. As I quickly ate my breakfast, I glanced over at my worksheets and noticed the daily Bible verse in the margin of my reading for the day.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galations 6:9

Last night, I had raised up all my concerns about work to God and here was an immediate salve to my doubtful heart. Whether or not I see it every day, I am doing good with these students. Yes, it can be weary work, but it is good work. During my continued transition, I have seen God so specifically in areas of my life just when I need to see God. Today was one of those days. I needed to see God in order to return to work with a positive attitude and see what it is that God has for me there. I do not want to give up on my students. They matter to God and they matter to me.

Yesterday, on my way out of work, I stopped in HR to ask what I needed to do to apply for a full-time position. Once I was armed with the proper information, I asked myself "Is this what I really want?". I quit teaching to go into counseling for the express purpose of being able to work more closely with the students who need emotional attention. Of course, I didn't see myself in this specific role, but I do enjoy getting to know the students and hearing their stories. I desire to be a positive force in their lives, even if it is a small role. Most days, my specific student isn't so defiant or angry with me. Most days, she is sweet and seems to enjoy her time with me. Sometimes the hard days make the really good days all that much more of a gift and a reward for my hard work.

I do love these students. I know that so many others have given up on them. But I won't. I have no idea how long I will be at this school or with these specific students, but I will not give up on them as long as our paths cross. I also know that perhaps the harvest is the next step on the career path God has me on. Whatever the next step for me is, I know that my good work with these students is preparing me to take on the next thing. I don't see this job as just a resume builder...I see it as a piece of my calling coming to fruition. I could be there long term or I could be moved on to a place where I'm needed more. Either way, I am excited to continue doing good in whatever capacity God has for me in order for the reaping to be bountiful. In both my life and in the lives of my students.

Today was a better day. My specific student was absent today so I wasn't able to repair my relationship with her. However, I was able to connect more with the other students in my assigned classroom. Throughout the course of the day, I was calm and firm with them. I know that I couldn't have done any of that without God's help to overcome the weariness of yesterday. God is good.

As I was leaving, one of my students asked to see which car was mine. I told her it was too far away to see from where we were. She responded by saying that she wanted to know so that she could slash my tires so that I wouldn't have to leave in the middle of the day. She liked having me around. This from a student who last week called me a few choice words to my face. I must be doing good somewhere.