As a holiday, I think Easter runs a close second to Christmas for me. Mostly, because of the faith aspect of it all. As much as I love Cadbury Eggs, I love the feeling of church on Easter morning, the hope God brings with spring, and the knowledge that I have been saved through the ultimate sacrifice and miraculous resurrection of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. How can I not feel joyous with that knowledge?
Easter brings to a joyous close the season of lent, a time for pause and reflection that builds up to the death and resurrection of Christ. In the past, I have used that time to give up something in my life to help me rely on the strength and love of Christ instead of drawing on that one thing to help me. I have done the extreme (basically becoming vegan for lent) to something more simple and logical (I gave up purchasing clothes for lent one year). This year, I decided that instead of taking something away, I would add a ritual. For lent this year, I did my best to write in my journal to thank God for one thing and one person that God has blessed my life with. Each day of lent, I thanked God in my journal as I began my day. I wasn't perfect, but I was able to fill each day that I wrote with something and someone different that I was thankful for. It ranged from being thankful for having a job to being thankful for a sunny morning to being thankful for the ability to run. And for each day of lent, I was able to thank God for a different person in my life. I may have repeated a few people once or twice who had specifically blessed my life, but I had someone new to be thankful for on each day of lent. That's a lot of people! God has certainly blessed my life with some amazing relationships and friendships.
I learned a lot from this exercise. First, that I clearly have a lot to be thankful for. I continue to wonder about God's timing in my life and why things are the way they are when I so desire them to be something else. But truthfully, everything in my life is as it should be. I may not understand it all, but God knows what He's doing. I was reminded this lenten season that God has already brought me so far. A year ago, I didn't have a full-time job where I was earning valuable experience in my field...not to mention health insurance and paid holiday time off! A year ago, I hardly had friends in Connecticut and now I often have people to do things with. A year ago, I still wasn't singing in any capacity or a place where I felt comfortable to worship and now I've sung at my church three times and I have a regular rotation on the worship team. I have been so blessed by God's perfect timing in helping these things come to be. In the meantime, I've also had so many wonderful opportunities to build stronger relationships with my family in the area. I'm thankful for living with my parents to have the opportunity to get to know them in a new way and develop a stronger relationship with them. I'm thankful for being able to spend time with my sister on a regular basis and become better friends as adults. I'm thankful for all the ways I get to be an auntie.
During this season, God has also reminded me in many ways that I'm still the same me. I've said it before, but sometimes I feel as though since moving back to Connecticut, I've been trying to regain pieces of my self. Somewhere along the way, I compromised who I am for the happiness of someone else. I also sometimes have difficulty retaining hope in the dreams that make me me when I wonder if they will ever come into being. But, God has created me to be exactly the way that I am and He desires for me to stay strong in that woman and to hang on to those dreams and desires because He created me that way. I've never broken a bone, but I imagine the healing process is pretty painful. I feel as though this scattering of self is like I broke a significant bone in my body. I haven't been able to fully function because I haven't had it's full strength back again. The healing process is painful and is taking longer than I expected, but, it's getting there. And I'm thankful for God's guidance and constant reminders of His love and faithfulness along the way. I'm getting stronger with each day.
There were of course several days when it was difficult to find something to be thankful for. But those were the days when I learned to lean on God and surrender my struggles and questions to Him. It wasn't long before I was thanking Him for holding my hand, allowing me space to cry, and for forgiving me in all my doubts.
My original goal in being intentionally thankful to God was to be happier and more satisfied in my life, regardless of the season I was in and the one I wished I was in. I would say that I accomplished that on many levels and I have been an all around happier person with a more positive perspective on some things I have been negative about in the past. There are still days when I wish I could better relate to my friends who God has blessed with marriages, children, steady careers, houses, and lives that look more glistening to me than my own. But that's just a part of life. And even when I someday move on from this season of life, I'm sure there will be something else a friend or family member is experiencing that I wished I was a part of. I constantly forget to be thankful for exactly what God has given me and instead see the shimmering outside of a friend's life without also seeing the refining that God is doing in their life. And I will constantly be reminded to seek God for reassurance that He is with me in my own journey, regardless of what He is doing in others around me.
But more important than reaching my original goal, I think God really showed up and reminded me of the pureness of His love for me and that He cares deeply for the small things in my life. One theme that has replayed over and over throughout this season of lent is that everything is as it should be. God's timing is perfect and even when, or better yet, especially when life seems to be progressing slowly, God is working at the perfect pace. It doesn't make the waiting easier, but it certainly has reminded me that all is not out of control but that God is working for my good because He loves me...as is, nothing more, nothing less.
I want to end with an excerpt of a devotional a friend recently sent to me from the Streams in the Desert Devotional:
Don't steal tomorrow from God's hands. Give Him time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never late—learn to wait.
He never shows up late; He knows just what is best;
Fret not yourself in vain; until He comes just REST.
Never run impulsively ahead of the Lord. Learn to await His timing—the second, minute, and hour hand must all point to the precise moment for action.
As I am waiting, I continue to look forward to what is next in my life. I want to continue being thankful for all the ways God is present in my life on a daily basis. I continue to need strength to mend what has been broken in my life and the peace to know that it's ok for healing to take so long. God is good and I can be here writing that because of the sacrifice of His only son. Hallelujah!
