All of my life
in every season
You are still God.
I have a reason to sing.
I have a reason to worship.
~"Desert Song" by Hillsong
I have been listening to this song quite a bit lately and have been trying to consistently remind myself that God is still God no matter what else is going on in life. In a season where life can sometimes feel up one second and down the next, it's good to have a reminder that God is still constant, no matter what.
I have been contemplating this as the month of November creeps up on us and I have been realizing it is the year marker of some significant events in my life. Losing my job at the temp agency on November 1st. The decision to move home after three years in Colorado. The end of a significant relationship. And finally, my actual move back to Connecticut. I know that it's not quite a year yet (I'm sure I'll have plenty to say when those dates hit), but for some reason, I feel a sense of dread as November approaches. So much has happened in the past year and yet, I still feel as though I am in the same "season" of life. I'm still in some sort of figuring out stage where life doesn't quite feel stable yet.
I've started to wonder if life will ever feel "stable" again. It seems that every time I think that life has gotten consistent again, something else changes and I have to re-evaluate where I'm at and what I want for myself. One thing I know I want for myself is to continue living on the east coast. I love living here. Yesterday it was a beautiful day out and I just upped and went to the beach. I love that. I love the rolling hills and the changing colors in the leaves. I love being close to family and getting to be a part of things with them. So for now, at least that piece of my heart is stable. I no longer feel pulled to try and move my life somewhere else like I did for much of my time in both Chicago and Colorado. I'm home. And that feels right and good.
The other pieces of my life don't necessarily feel as though they've come together quite yet. And I know this takes time, but it is difficult to wait. Especially when I look around and see that many of my friends are experiencing pieces of life that I have not been blessed with yet. Or when I get frustrated with my job and realize that I really don't know what I'm doing and every day I feel as though I just have to wing it. Or when I again realize that I can't afford an apartment on my own quite yet. Or when I realize that my life is unbalanced and I just want to sing again in order to have an outlet that is unrelated to other areas of my life. When I spend time thinking about these things, I feel unstable again. I get worked up over things God has blessed my friends with and not me. I feel alone and unwanted. I feel frustrated and entitled. Haven't I followed God with my whole heart? Haven't I prayed enough over these things to receive some answers and direction? Haven't I, Lord? Aren't I just as deserving as the next person? What gives?
But in all this change, transition, instability, God has remained the same. I spent most of this winter being out right angry with God for the way life had turned out for me at that point. I spent the spring reconciling with God and finding beauty in new beginnings. I spent the summer hoping for things new and exciting and reveling in change. And now that it's fall, I find myself reflecting on where I've been over the year and wondering how God will take this season to the next. I think it's perfectly normal to ask these questions of God, but why would I continue to dwell on them when I know and have seen God to be the only true and stable thing in my life over the past year? Even when I was kicking and screaming at God, I was told to trust Him. When I was apologizing and crying out for help, He told me to trust in Him. In hope and prayer, again, trust in God alone. And now that I'm reflective and wondering where this year has really gotten me anyway, I'm reminded to trust in God. He has it. He knows best. How can I doubt the one truth that has been consistent in my life and provided for me every step of the way?
I do have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship. In every season of my life, God has been stable and there for me. And He's always working, even now, to bring me to the next season that awaits me when this one is over.
