finding hope in the realness of christmas

People who know me well, know that I love Christmas.  Maybe people who don't know me that well know that I love Christmas too.  I get excited about twinkling lights, a child's belief in Santa Claus, Christmas music, and the birth of my spiritual hope in the love of my Savior.  Christmastime always makes me just a little bit happier and I always look forward to it.

Christmastime also exacerbates the pain of unanswered prayer and the waiting to know when that prayer will be answered.  I've been reflecting on this quite a bit this Christmas season.  I have also been more acutely aware of the pain of others during this season as they have experienced their own waiting.  Waiting to feel less pain about the loss of a loved one.  Waiting to feel "over" the pain of a relationship that ended.  Waiting to feel happiness again.  Waiting to be less busy and to have a moment to breathe.  Waiting for change...any change.  Waiting, waiting, waiting...while around us the world puts on a show of shiny ribbons and smiling faces.  Aren't we supposed to be happy at Christmastime?  Isn't the hope of the birth of our Savior supposed to bring us inexplicable joy?  Well, yes, but the more I think about it, the more I understand how the story of the birth of Christ relates to our experience of pain just as much as it relates to joy.

The birth of Jesus was long awaited and was promised hundreds of years before his actual birth.  How long had the Israelites been waiting for their Savior?  A few weeks ago, the sermon at church was about waiting in expectation for God's answer to His promises.  In my own life, this sermon directly spoke to me as I have been praying the same prayer for over 10 years and still, I have not received an answer.  How many Israelites could relate to this?  Or how about Elizabeth & Zechariah as they had been praying for a baby for so long?  Or Simeon and Anna who had been promised to see the Savior and had to wait until they were late in years for this promise to come true?  As I experience my own wait and often struggle at times to keep faith when it seems God has forgotten me, these reminders have been helpful in the pain of my wait.

Or what about Joseph?  How many of us have had the rug pulled out from under us in a relationship we were in?  We felt stable, secure, and all of a sudden, the other person drops a bomb and it's over.  Or the sudden (or even not sudden) death of a loved one.  Grief is suffering loss in our lives and learning how to survive the shock of unexpected change.  I often wonder how Joseph must have felt when his young fiancee told him that she was pregnant and it wasn't his child.  What kind of grief did he suffer at the loss of a dream?  Did his heart break?  Did he cry out in anger and confusion?  We are told in the book of Matthew that he planned to divorce her quietly, but we don't know what it was like for him leading up to that decision.  God was faithful to Joseph and sent an angel to comfort him and give him guidance.  While God may not respond to our own pain in this way, I am reminded that God takes care of His people in Joseph's story during moments of emotional and relational pain as well as in grief and loss.

Or maybe your pain is like that of the Magi.  You see a sign, you follow it, it takes forever to reach your destination, and just when you find a place to rest,  confusion sets in.  How many of us have had someone be like Herod to us and present with good intentions but we find out later they were actually selfish and manipulative in purpose?  Again, God sent an angel to steer the Magi in the right direction and while they may have had to travel longer to get home, God provided and returned them home safely.  I am reminded that sometimes when we are confused, manipulated, or feel as though it takes forever to return home, God will still see to it that the journey is completed safely when we respond with faith.

And then of course there is Mary.  Faithful, beautiful, Mary.  I love reading the Magnificat in the first chapter of Luke.  It reminds me of God's omnipotent, everlasting, steadfast, powerful love for us in this world.  But what about after the Magnificat?  Nine months of pregnancy prior to her marriage with Joseph.  Even if they were married shortly after she became pregnant, anyone who has ever lived in a small community knows that people talk.  Even when you tell people the truth, they will do what they want with it.  And what do you say in that situation?  "Oh, no, don't worry.  It's the Holy Spirit's baby.  We're good."  What strength and maturity Mary must have had to withstand what might have been said about her and to know that God would take care of her.  I don't think I would have been able to survive that kind of pain.  As a child, whenever I was teased, I would do whatever they wanted me to do and say whatever they wanted me to say just stop the teasing and the pain of being ostracized by my peers.  Mary's story reminds me to have faith in God's greater plan and to look beyond what is right in front of me and the limited view of others, even when it's painful.

One of my favorite Christmas songs is called "Real" by Nichole Nordeman.  In this song, she sings from the perspective of Mary and Joseph, saying:

I am real
Don't turn me into memory or myth
Let me be real
And I'll show you what it means to love like this
To be real

This Christmas, I am praying that if you have pain amidst the holiday bustle & rustle, shimmer & shine, laughter & song, remember that Jesus is real.  The people surrounding the story of his birth are real.  The miracle is real.  Our pain is real.  And the miracle is that Jesus really came to show you that he understands that pain on a deeper level than you may ever know.  Trust him with it and let him be real to you this Christmas.  I will be trying to do the same.

the importance of community

It has been an insanely long time since I have written anything down in this space.  I think my last entry accurately describes the start of a rather difficult season of life and one that I needed my privacy to go through.  But lately, I have had some thoughts floating around in my head the past few days and so I thought I would return to my corner of the internet and share them with you.

Several weeks ago, I attended the memorial service for the mother of some dear family friends.  I have always found memorial services to be a mixed bag of emotions where you are gathered to grieve the loss of the person and share in the pain of that loss with others, but also where you celebrate good memories and see people who are a part of those memories.  This memorial service included exactly these emotions for me.  Since it was for a woman who I grew up with at my home church, I returned to this church, sat with my parents, and hugged several people who I hadn't seen in a long time.  I was reminded during this service of the importance of community.  I have been so blessed by the community from my home church and I often take this for granted.  Within that particular church denomination, I know that if I travel to another church from this denomination several states (or maybe a country!) away and we have a common friend from my home church, I will instantly find "family".  I know that when I see my friends' parents and my parents' friends, they mean it when they say they are praying for me and ask me how I am doing.  I know when I laugh with old youth group friends that our laughs are genuine and our care for each other has lasted long beyond high school.  I am grateful to this community, glad to be a part of it, and I know I would not be the woman I am today if it were not for this community of people.

Simultaneously, I was saddened.  Besides being sad about the loss of a great woman, I was saddened by the ways I was reminded of how community had hurt this family.  Regardless of whether we are Christians or not, as people, we have disagreements about topics that can be hurtful and ostracizing.  One theme that was discussed at this memorial was the topic of how fear can get in the way of loving each other.  For this particular family's story, the fear that others' had regarding their son's sexuality was hurtful and ostracizing, not an example of community at all.  I always get so angry when we have an opportunity to learn in our communities, to grow in our perspectives, and to really try to understand what someone else is going through and we just blow it because we are afraid that this means we will have to change too.  But community is always changing and growing and as a Christian, I have always believed that God has designed me to love people above all else, regardless of my opinion or perspective.  Loving another person doesn't have to mean we have to agree with them.  Loving another person means asking.  It means doing our best to understand.  It means remembering that love is stronger than fear; GOD is stronger than fear.  Community is about people.  Life is difficult and we all go through pain.  A good community says the hard things and still loves others as you would want to be loved if you were in their position.

No earthly community is perfect and I in no way expect this particular community to be perfect.  I still appreciate all that it is and I still hope to continue to be an active member in this community now and hopefully someday with a family of my own.  As I said, I am the woman I am today because of it.  But after I attended this memorial and was touched by all the people who came to show their love for this woman and for her family, I was also reminded of the importance of remembering people over principles.  I am so grateful to know that I have people in my life who understand that and when I am going through something they have not experienced or that they don't understand, they will love me and do their best to learn through my experience, even if we do not agree.  That kind of community is a rare thing.