blessings and gratefulness

It's been a year.

One year ago on Thanksgiving week I packed myself up from Colorado and drove back to the east coast to start over.

I made it.

Of course, to say that "I made it" implies that I finished something. Being here for a year doesn't mean I've finished anything. In fact, far from it. There is still so much more life to live! And I'm glad that I get to do it here. For so long, I had been saying that I wanted to move back home. For six years of my time in Chicago I would consistently say, "This is it. This is the year I move back home." And then I wouldn't. And then I moved to Colorado. But now, finally, I get to say that I'm living on the east coast again near my family. I'm here and I don't plan on leaving anytime soon.

There have been so many ups and downs over the past year, both personally and professionally. But mostly when I think of all the past year has brought me I think of how grateful I am for all the blessings God has given me in the midst of difficult moments and constant transition. For starters, I am so blessed to have parents who have the means to take me back in and help me get back on my feet. They have been amazing supports for me both financially and emotionally. While moving back in with my parents after being independent for so long wasn't the easiest thing for me to swallow, my parents have made it easy for me and for that I am very grateful. Not having to worry about paying rent, utilities, buying groceries, and refurnishing an apartment has been one of the biggest blessings of the year. Instead, I have been able to focus my mental and emotional energies on finding a job in my field, relationally adjusting, and stabilizing myself in general. I cannot thank my parents enough for just providing me with my basic needs.

I have also been blessed by God in His provision for income. When I left Colorado a year ago, I was completely unemployed and unsure of where my next paycheck would come from. Over the year, God has provided me with four different jobs here in Connecticut. And now that I think of it and look back, He provided very quickly. JCrew helped me out during the holidays last year and by the end of January, I was employed by two mental health agencies in the area and I could afford to pay my monthly bills. Less than six months later, I was hired to be full time at one of those agencies in a clinical position. It's not the job I had expected to have or one that works with a population I anticipated working with. But God has blessed me in placing me in a very good position within the agency during a time of growth. The program I work for is the only one of its kind in the state of Connecticut. We are leading the way when it comes to residential facilities structured specifically to work with teens with autism spectrum disorders. I am learning a lot and my clinical experience is growing exponentially by the day. The work definitely isn't easy and I'm very much looking forward to the break Thanksgiving provides, but I am very grateful and blessed in how God has placed me. I'm excited to see where He might lead me next.

I have also been very blessed by people in my life. I sometimes think that you don't know how blessed you are by the people in your life until you hit a point where you really need others to be there for you. A year ago I was so at a point where I felt as though I had nothing. I felt like God scraped away all that was to have the opportunity to start fresh with me. And God built me up again by using my friends and family to provide for me what I needed when I needed it. One friend provided me with money right when I most needed it. It is such a humbling feeling to really need financial help and I was truly blessed by her gift. The money she provided lasted exactly until I had work to provide for myself again. I was blessed by friends who opened their houses to me on my road trip back. Thank you for all the meals, beds, and joyous company you provided on my emotional trek back east. I have been blessed by friends on the east coast. Moving someplace can be so lonely and I have been so blessed by the friends I have out here who have reconnected with me. I know we're busy and it's difficult to get together, but thank you for just being close by. It helps to know you're near. I have been blessed by friends who encouraged me to participate in Bible studies and who have called me to check in and who have pursued me to visit them and have visited me. I was so angry and far from God a year ago. I couldn't have gotten to this point without your spiritual encouragement and emotional support. God is so good in His provision!

Finally, I think God has most blessed me with restoring my hope. Life is most difficult without hope. A year ago, I had little hope and little faith that anything in my life could be restored again. But it has been. God has restored so much and most of all, my hope that there is still more to come. That even though this season of life hasn't turned out to be anything like what I had anticipated it to be, that I still have hope for things to come. God has been so good to me in just one year and I cannot wait to see what He could bring in the next.

I love being on the east coast. I cannot imagine being anywhere else. I love being near my family. I have been able to reconnect and grow closer with them over the year. I love that when we have a birthday party or my sister decides to have people over for breakfast at the last minute, I can just hop in my car and be there. I can't imagine life any other way.

Thank you for all your prayers over the year. I am blessed by and grateful for you...

in every season

All of my life

in every season

You are still God.

I have a reason to sing.

I have a reason to worship.

~"Desert Song" by Hillsong

I have been listening to this song quite a bit lately and have been trying to consistently remind myself that God is still God no matter what else is going on in life. In a season where life can sometimes feel up one second and down the next, it's good to have a reminder that God is still constant, no matter what.

I have been contemplating this as the month of November creeps up on us and I have been realizing it is the year marker of some significant events in my life. Losing my job at the temp agency on November 1st. The decision to move home after three years in Colorado. The end of a significant relationship. And finally, my actual move back to Connecticut. I know that it's not quite a year yet (I'm sure I'll have plenty to say when those dates hit), but for some reason, I feel a sense of dread as November approaches. So much has happened in the past year and yet, I still feel as though I am in the same "season" of life. I'm still in some sort of figuring out stage where life doesn't quite feel stable yet.

I've started to wonder if life will ever feel "stable" again. It seems that every time I think that life has gotten consistent again, something else changes and I have to re-evaluate where I'm at and what I want for myself. One thing I know I want for myself is to continue living on the east coast. I love living here. Yesterday it was a beautiful day out and I just upped and went to the beach. I love that. I love the rolling hills and the changing colors in the leaves. I love being close to family and getting to be a part of things with them. So for now, at least that piece of my heart is stable. I no longer feel pulled to try and move my life somewhere else like I did for much of my time in both Chicago and Colorado. I'm home. And that feels right and good.

The other pieces of my life don't necessarily feel as though they've come together quite yet. And I know this takes time, but it is difficult to wait. Especially when I look around and see that many of my friends are experiencing pieces of life that I have not been blessed with yet. Or when I get frustrated with my job and realize that I really don't know what I'm doing and every day I feel as though I just have to wing it. Or when I again realize that I can't afford an apartment on my own quite yet. Or when I realize that my life is unbalanced and I just want to sing again in order to have an outlet that is unrelated to other areas of my life. When I spend time thinking about these things, I feel unstable again. I get worked up over things God has blessed my friends with and not me. I feel alone and unwanted. I feel frustrated and entitled. Haven't I followed God with my whole heart? Haven't I prayed enough over these things to receive some answers and direction? Haven't I, Lord? Aren't I just as deserving as the next person? What gives?

But in all this change, transition, instability, God has remained the same. I spent most of this winter being out right angry with God for the way life had turned out for me at that point. I spent the spring reconciling with God and finding beauty in new beginnings. I spent the summer hoping for things new and exciting and reveling in change. And now that it's fall, I find myself reflecting on where I've been over the year and wondering how God will take this season to the next. I think it's perfectly normal to ask these questions of God, but why would I continue to dwell on them when I know and have seen God to be the only true and stable thing in my life over the past year? Even when I was kicking and screaming at God, I was told to trust Him. When I was apologizing and crying out for help, He told me to trust in Him. In hope and prayer, again, trust in God alone. And now that I'm reflective and wondering where this year has really gotten me anyway, I'm reminded to trust in God. He has it. He knows best. How can I doubt the one truth that has been consistent in my life and provided for me every step of the way?

I do have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship. In every season of my life, God has been stable and there for me. And He's always working, even now, to bring me to the next season that awaits me when this one is over.

the honest truth...

If I'm truly being honest with things in my life right now, I feel very much like a ship out to sea in rough waters. Not quite a storm and not total silence either. Just some high swells so that all I can see are the waves around me and no land or change of scenery in sight.

I really shouldn't complain. A year ago, I was working a temp job in Denver, wondering if my degree would ever mean anything, and trying to figure out exactly what I wanted for my life. Now, I feel as though I'm where I want to live, I have a job I can use my degree for, and I think I know what I want for my life. Well, I do know what I want, I just don't see it in my life quite yet. I'm confused because here I am a year later having made so many great steps forward, and yet I still feel unhappy about things in my life. Why?

One reason is I'm lonely. And I don't mean to say that I don't have people in my life. I do. I have wonderful amazing people who love and care about me more than I can say. Seriously, God has blessed me with an amazing family and wonderful friends who have stuck with me during some rough times when I definitely wasn't at my best. But many of these people live far away. And those who live closer, are just in a different season of life than I am. And it feels lonely to always be the single one, the childless one, the one still living with her parents. And I'm at peace with being all these things...it just feels lonely when there aren't that many people around who feel they can relate to all this. I guess I could really use a community of friends who are living life in a similar season as myself. Friends who also love God. Friends who like to grab a beer every once in a while. Friends who will take me as I am. I know these types of friendships take time to build, but you have to start somewhere and I just wish I could find those people.

Secondly, I'm really wondering about my job. Some days, I feel as though it's the perfect position for me and I love it. I love that I get to use my counseling skills and I love that I get to learn more about autism and have tons of hands-on experience. I love several of my co-workers and I love that I get to be at The Children's Home. However, I miss working with little kids. I miss working in a school (I know! Who saw that one coming?). I miss doing something where I know what the routine will be instead of my job where the schedule is different every day and some days I don't even know what my schedule will be until I get there. And maybe some of this is that my heart has just felt so heavy lately. I really feel for my kids. While this is a good thing, I need to learn how to separate myself emotionally so that I can breathe in between each work day.

Third, I miss using my creative side. I haven't sung (except for in my car or in church) in so long. I miss being a part of a choir or being on worship team. I miss writing poetry for fun. And while that last one is totally up to me, I just haven't felt like it. I've been so tired that it's hard for me to sit and think like that. But maybe I need to more. Maybe I need to just sit and think and get my thoughts out on paper. Either way, I miss that creative musical piece of me. I'm good at it and I feel closer to God when I do it.

Hopefully, my little ship will find a lighthouse to rest by soon. Maybe it will be the friend lighthouse. Maybe it will be a security at work lighthouse. Or maybe it will be a creative and song laden lighthouse. No matter what, I hope that it's soon. Because my heart is feeling heavy and I just don't know how much more I can take...

waiting

Waiting is the hardest thing. When I'm waiting for something to happen (it could be anything really), I feel like I should expect to find something great in my life at the end of the waiting. My faith in God keeps this optimistic perspective alive for me. My God is a great God who desires for His people to be happy. It doesn't mean that we always are, happy that is, but I do believe in a good God who desires for His people to find joy amidst the other difficulties of life. Psalm 37:4 & 5 says to "Delight yourselves in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will act." I firmly believe this.

I think the struggle comes in the timing of it all. The waiting for God to act. If it were up to me, I would only need to wait for a short period of time. But it's not up to me. This morning I had a moment of frustration with God. I have been waiting for some time for something, anything, to happen in my life relationally. There is a specific someone I'm waiting to find out about (which I'm not ready to talk about yet), but there is also a general waiting here too. Most days, I do fine. My heart is finally open to possibilities again and it feels good. It feels wonderful to feel ready to trust a man with my heart again. And yet, I don't need a man in my life to be happy. I know that I'll still find happiness and joy in my life and I have people who love me in my life. My life is full and I'm very blessed. I don't just say that to assure myself either...it's really true. God has been so good to me with the people he's brought into my life.

But...

I was not created to live life alone. This I am sure of. I am a relational person and I thrive at relating to people. For a long time I was convinced that I would live my life alone. There still isn't any guarantee that I won't, but lately I have been more optimistic in this area of my life and God has been opening my eyes to truth. Truth is that I am deserving of romance in my life. Truth is I'm not too old. Truth is I don't have to be anyone but me to be loved. Truth is even my most annoying traits are worthy of love. Truth is that I deserve respect from a man. Truth is that God can bring anyone into my life at any time...with or without warning.

At the end of the day, I am glad that God has this in his hands. I do believe good things can come to those who wait. I do believe that the best love stories take time. And I especially believe that God is the master story teller who gets excited about a good love story. I think God delights in setting up his sons and his daughters and seeing how we find joy in our own love stories. Can't you see it? God says to his angels, "Hey, what about Noah for Allie? She's a little impulsive, but his quiet confidence will bring balance to their relationship. Can you set that up? I have a great idea for a love story that suits them." Or God says, "Wow. Those two would really make a great pair. But they need some time and he hasn't really noticed her yet, although I think she has an idea that he would be great for her. Let's write an amazing story for them and see what they think about it." I can just see it now. God is gazing at me with a thoughtful look on his face saying, "Just wait until you see what I have for you, my daughter. Just you wait..."

the real ruby slippers...

Because I now work a grown-up job that requires me to accrue vacation time, I have been unable to plan a true vacation this summer. So, I decided to take a weekend trip to see my good friend Alicia in Washington DC. I had a wonderful time! Between all the sight-seeing, cupcake eating, and play watching, it was wonderful to spend time with a close friend and just relax. For Sunday, Alicia suggested that we hit up some of the museums. When she told me that the museum of American History housed the actual ruby slippers from the 1939 Wizard of Oz movie, I was sold. We were going and the ruby slippers were first on our list of things to see. As you can tell from the picture, I was pretty excited.

If you've been reading this blog, you know that The Wizard of Oz has a special place in my heart. I thought it was appropriate that I get to see the actual shoes used from the film during this stage of my life. When I started writing this blog, I felt as though I had just clicked my heels three times, whispered "there's no place like home", and ended up back in my own backyard. I thought that when I moved back home, it would be temporary and soon enough, I would be back out again on some adventure. But like Dorothy, I think that everything I have truly been looking for could exist right in my own backyard. Sure, there are still days when I miss the mountains of Colorado or my favorite restaurants in Chicago. And yes, I still don't have answers to some of the things I have been praying for, but I have been feeling more at peace about those prayers. I have been learning how to trust God more and my faith in Him has grown infinitely over the past nine months. I have been finding myself again and discovering who I am as an individual. I am remembering that I like who I am. I think I forgot that when I was in my last relationship. I was trying so hard to fit into the conditions of the person I was with, that I forgot who I was. I don't like that I did that, but now I have the freedom to take it back. I like me. I like the qualities God has given me and I know that He has good purpose for me as is.

The more time that passes since last November, the more sure I am that I made the right decision in moving back to Connecticut. I have more confidence in the direction God is leading me, even though it doesn't always seem to make a lot of sense. I often feel confused over what I'm doing at my new job, but each day is a challenge and each day I learn a little bit more. I'm excited to see what else God might have in store for me now that I've returned to my own backyard. Although, I would like to have my own pair of ruby slippers. Just because they're pretty...

the funny thing about hope

I have been thinking about hope lately. When I have it, I find that I feel happier and my heart feels lighter. I am more apt to praise God without effort and I can see how His faithfulness has seeped into every area of my life. When I have no hope, the opposite of all this is true. Life seems dark. God feels far away. Nothing seems like it will ever change. Hopeless.

But here's the funny thing about hope. When I feel hopeful, I think I am always waiting for the moment when I'm let down again and I slide back into hopelessness again. For the past few months, I have swung between the extremes of having hope and not having any. I can't seem to find a happy medium. And it's taking a toll on my soul. How can a woman hope for the best all the time when it's so hard to see that what she's hoping for is actually feasible?

Maybe it's my patience that needs a readjustment instead of my tendency to hope and constantly be let down by that hope. Patience is a virtue. Or so I'm told. I think I'm learning that it actually is. I pray for patience every day. I pray for a change of heart so that I won't long for things in my life that aren't yet so much. I want to appreciate what is right now and enjoy the blessings of this season. So why is it so hard to stop hoping for something that isn't?

I hope for the kids I work with. I hope for positive confirmation in my career. I hope for financial stability. I hope for the ability to afford to support myself again. I hope to fall in love again someday. I hope, I hope, I hope...

Waiting for the results is hard. Having patience is hard. Continually working to remain hopeful is hard. But I would rather think that all that I hope for is attainable and that today is just one day. Maybe today my hope was let down a bit and I feel a little hopeless and tired of being patient. But there's always tomorrow. A fresh day with no spots on it. And that's hope.

settling for the right thing

It has been a long week. In fact, it's been a long couple of weeks. Maybe a long couple of months. Next week I will not be working at CHOC but will instead be heading up a social skills camp for my old employer in West Hartford. Prior to obtaining my full time job, I had made a summer commitment for this camp and CHOC has allowed me the week off in order to work for the day camp. While there will be things that will be stressful about it (it was my idea and I'm running and planning the whole thing...AH!), I'm glad for the break. I haven't had a real break from the Children's Home since April and sometimes, you just need some time away. I will miss it for sure. I love working there. Even though there are things about working there that I'm still not sure about, one thing I am sure of is that it's where I'm supposed to be. It feels right.

I have lately been thinking a lot about how right my life feels. No, I don't want to live with my parents forever, but it feels like the right place for me to be living. No, I didn't ever want to move back to Connecticut, but it feels like the right place for me to be. No, I didn't exactly envision myself as in charge of discharge planning for Autistic boys, but it's the right job for me. And no, I didn't want to turn 32 as a single woman, but it's exactly the right season of life for me. All these things that if you took it in a different perspective, could be seen as settling for something. But I'm not. I feel settled, but I'm not settling for these things in my life. I'm excited and I'm trusting in God's provision for me and in God's guidance for my life.

On my way home from work today, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the scenery is here. I was driving through New Englandy towns and watching the sun go down over green hills and letting the eastern summer air blow through my windows. Being here feels like it fits me. And I fit being here. For so long I have always lived in places with one foot in and one foot out...always knowing that some day I would probably move on from that place. But now, I don't have that anymore. Now, I can just stay. I can settle a bit.

There are, of course, still things in my life that don't feel settled. I haven't found a church where I truly feel like I fit yet. I have some friends around here, but I have found that it's hard to build friendships like the ones that I already have. It takes time and effort and patience to reconnect with and find those kinds of friends. I know that I will find these things, but it will just take time.

I also have been feeling very settled in being a single woman. In fact, I have even found myself enjoying it a bit. Wow. How's that for unexpected? I went on a date earlier this week (my first 'first date' in over two years) and I found that I could in fact enjoy myself, figure out whether or not I was interested, and then be assertive, genuine, and nice about letting him know that I wasn't interested in more than a friendship. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for going because I usually know right away whether I'm interested in a person or not. I am interested in knowing this person, but there are things about him that I already know would not make a good relationship for me. But, I went, had a good time, and yes, it did stink a little to deflate his ego, but it was ok. I'm ok and he's probably ok too...albeit a little disappointed. For a while I was scared that I would just settle for some guy who liked me because I was too afraid to be lonely for the rest of my life. But I know that is not true. I value myself and my happiness too much to do that. I feel like I'm ready to be in a relationship that opens my heart, is real, and that could be settled. But I know that I won't settle for the wrong thing. At this moment, I'm content to enjoy life as it is and continue to pray that the right guy will be there in God's perfect timing. It is also sufficient to note that for the first time in a long time I don't feel as though God messed up in this area of my life. Instead, I feel peaceful in the reminder that God's timing is perfect, even if it doesn't look the way I thought that it would.

So, I'm settling. I'm settling into my life here in Connecticut, my new job, and my life as a woman in her 30s. I continue to be surprised by how things have continued to work out and develop in my life. I'm excited to experience more. And I know that this is the right place for me.

what a difference a year makes...

I think there are two times a year when I reflect on the past year. New Years and my birthday. So really, I'm reflecting on life about every 6 months. But, I include the whole year both times. Hmmm...maybe I should reevaluate this habit...

As I'm thinking about turning 32 tomorrow, I once again fall into the thought pattern of "this is so not where I thought I would be at my age!" This thought pattern is never healthy. It will inevitably end in fits of tears and perhaps a few empty wine glasses. However, I have found myself thinking lately that I feel as though I'm right where I should be.

Wow. That's new.

I still want all the things I thought I would have in my life at 32. I just find myself feeling ok about not having them yet. Hope has started to peek through the curtains of negativity and the sun is making a beam of light into my life. I still don't have any promise that I will eventually get to experience all the life markers I both jealously and joyously have watched many of my friends experience. But I feel hope that my turn may still come.

Of course, as soon as I wrote that, the tears began to well up in my eyes and the lies began to speak in my head again about how I gave up all hope of ever having the life I wanted after my last relationship ended. But now, I know that's not true and it's easier to ignore the lies. A year ago, I thought God had cursed me to always live a life that was hard and painful and never have the things I desired. I don't truly believe in a God that is mean. It felt like God was mean back then. But, God isn't mean. I believe in a God who loves me and who gives me free will to make my own choices. And I believe in a God who will love me no matter which choices I make. But...that doesn't mean that my choices will make me happy. And a year ago, I was making choices that were making me feel unhappy.

Since last July, I have made choices that I'm happy with. I took control of my life a little bit and began to trust that the intuition God gave me to choose what I wanted to choose were in fact, choices God had in mind for me. Learning to trust in God has certainly been a theme in my life this past year. I feel as though all of the decisions I've made about my life this past year have been ones where I couldn't see how the outcome would be positive. In retrospect, I am very happy with all the major decisions I made for my life this past year. Sure, there is a lot of pain associated with a break up, relocating, and starting over. But going through all that has brought me out as a stronger and more faithful woman. I feel more assured of myself, who I am, what I desire for my life, and strong enough to keep going with each day. I don't regret a single decision I made in the past year of my life.

I look at where I was last year on my birthday and I know that I had tangible pieces that fit into what I wanted in my life. Looking back, it feels like they were the pieces to someone else's puzzle and I was cheating myself by not making room for the right pieces to my life-puzzle. In my annual birthday reflection, I'm realizing that the pieces in my life at this moment are the right ones. While the picture they're making is an unexpected one, I'm realizing that it suits me, who I am, and what I (and God) desire for my life. Without having all the answers yet, I am happy with the answers God has revealed to me thus far. Life is good.

I'm excited to see what this next year of life brings for me. On every birthday I'm always hopeful that this year of life will be the year that the experiences I dream of and pray for will happen for me. Maybe they will. Maybe not. Either way, I know I'll be ok. And I know that God hears me, God is faithful to me, and God loves me. Regardless of the choices I will make. After the past year, I know that I trust God with those choices more than ever before. That, in itself, is hope enough for me.

My heart is steadfast, O God,

my heart is steadfast!

I will sing and make melody!

For your steadfast love is great to the

heavens,

your faithfulness to the clouds.

~Psalm 57:7 & 10

finding balance

Well, it's begun. My new job that is. It has been a whirlwind of a month! I have been swinging between three jobs, trying to finish well at two and start well at the third. But now, after three weeks of ten hour days, long training sessions, and after-school program dramas, I am officially the Community Clinical Care Coordinator at The Children's Home of Cromwell (CHOC). Oh, and I guess I'm still a retail therapist consultant on the side...can't give up that J. Crew discount!

After three days, there isn't much to tell. My job mostly deals with discharge plans and family support for our clients. Since we only just got our first two kids on Monday, there hasn't been much for me to do directly with my job. I do have a lot of research to do about community resources and I have a lot to learn about the clinical aspect of working at CHOC...or the clinical aspect of anything really. I have received a lot of positive support from the people I'm working and consulting with directly saying that I am the perfect person for this job and that I will do well. That is always positive to hear, especially when I am pioneering this particular position and there really isn't anyone to mentor me in to it. I really am excited to be leading the way in this area and I am passionate about what my job will be doing. I think that residential treatment facilities are great for helping kids get the support they need while in residence. But, once the kids leave, there isn't much support for them when they're on their own. My job is to now become that post-discharge support. And to provide their families with support and resources to support them. It is a job that I will be glad to take on and hopefully make this standard protocol in discharge plans. It will take time for all of us to figure out where I fit in, but it's a new program and like anything new, we will need that time to iron it all out.

I am so glad and excited and blessed to have this job opportunity. This prayer request has been answered and for that I am so grateful and I know that God led me in this direction. But lately, my life has felt so out of balance. I have a job, but I'm missing several key components to bring healthy balance to my life. All I have been doing the past month is work. Sure, there were also two weddings in there and visits to friends and time with family, all of which were wonderful. But I don't have a regular church community to be a part of when I'm not working. Or even a friend community in the area. Yes, I have some great friends in the area, but it's tough to find friends who are my age and also in the same season of life as I am. Being almost 32, most of my friends are now married, have babies, or both. And that doesn't mean that we can't be friends of course, but just that it's been tough to find a community of people who still want to go out on a Friday night without having to get a babysitter or check with their significant other. Truthfully, if I had met the right person already, I would maybe rather be in that season of life myself. But I'm just not.

It's probable that finding a good church community will help with me finding a good community of friends who are in the same season of life as myself. But, finding a church where I feel as though I could be a part of their ministry with a community of young and single adults is tough to find. I think this is so sad. There are several good churches in this area. But many of them minister to married couples and families. Where are all the good ministries for people who are in the same season as I am? Just as my life feels unbalanced, this feels unbalanced in the church. If anything, this is an area that churches should be truly reaching out to. Who else has the time, energy, and money to devote to serving their God? Didn't Paul make a point of saying that when you are single, you have more opportunities to serve? And of course, maybe many people my age are just like me. They don't feel like they fit so they don't go to church. I will say that I have found one church with a thriving single adult community and I could participate in their activities more. I have been out with the group, participated in Sunday School, and made one friend that I have gotten together with a few times. But I have a hard time agreeing with some things the pastor says from the pulpit at that church so it's hard to convince myself to stay there just for the community of people my own age.

I don't mean this to be a rant or a long complaint about being single or about not feeling like I fit in any of the churches I've seen so far. All this just continues to perpetuate the feeling of unbalance in my life. I know that God led me home to Connecticut with purpose and a plan. My God would not bring me here just to abandon me. I know one day it will all figure itself out, the same way my job will. But for now, I'm just looking for a little balance.

great is God's faithfulness...

For many of you, this is repeat news. But I wanted to post it here on my blog as well. I am just so excited!!!

After praying for full-time work for over a year, the pieces have finally fit together for me to have full-time work. This interview came up very quickly. I applied for the job last Friday, they called me on Tuesday, I interviewed Thursday, and I have the job today!

My technical position title is Community Care Clinical Coordinator at The Children's Home of Cromwell. I have been working there since January as a part-time one-to-one aide for an eighth grade student. I have enjoyed working at CHOC and it was actually my first choice of agency to work for when I moved to Connecticut. To actually have the opportunity to work there full-time is just another answer to prayer. The position is a part of a new program beginning this summer at CHOC for adolescent boys with autism and pervasive developmental disorders. Essentially, my position is to ensure that the follow up care provided after the boys are discharged is a seamless a transition as possible. I assess the family environment prior to discharge and I make sure the clinical plans are written in language that the family can understand. I research therapeutic care possibilities within the client's community and ensure that it would be a good fit for the current plan. I will also provide some case management for each client as needed. I'm sure there are many more responsibilities that I will pick up, but that is the basic gist of my position.

I am salaried, I have benefits, and the agency will provide me with supervision so that I can begin to earn my clinical hours toward my professional counselors license. It really is a good deal for both myself and the agency as once I earn my license, I would be able to serve them in other ways as well.

I am literally just so amazed at how faithful God is right now. I have spent the last year wondering what God has been wanting to do with my degree and my life. In that, my faith and trust in God has truly grown. I have been less of a planner and controller of things that I want to happen and instead have really begun to pray on them and take ownership of myself and of who God created me to be, trusting that it would all come together in God's good timing. I thought that I would want to up and move to Boston or New York as soon as I could, but instead, I'm finding that I just want to stay in Connecticut. I feel so at peace with staying here and working in this position right now. It truly is amazing because I really thought that I would never get to this point again. But here I am. And all I can think about is how faithful God is and how much He loves me. That God has been faithful this whole time and that it has been all in God's good timing for everything to come to fruition. God is so very good.

Thank you for all the ways that you have been in my life over the last few years as I have transitioned from Chicago to Colorado and now to Connecticut. I am so excited to continue on in this next season of life. I hope that life is going well for each of you and I would love to hear about the blessings in your own lives.

Have a wonderful weekend!

joyfully empty

Not too long ago, I was talking with one of my best friends over the phone and we briefly touched upon the subject of the price of gas. And how ridiculous it is. Seriously, I could drop about $50 just to fill my little Honda Civic! This made me think of how in high school I wouldn't want to spend a lot of money to fill the family van up, so I would fill it up about $5 worth and then pray that the van would make it all the places I needed it to go on just that. In fact, I knew how long the needle could be sitting on "empty" before I really needed to fill it up again. I haven't been that adventurous with my gas gauge since then, but I was an expert at it back then. With prices the way they are, I've been wondering if I should be more of an expert on how far I can go on "empty".

As I was falling asleep last night, I realized that this is a great analogy for how I've been feeling lately. I feel as though I have been seeing how long I can drive around on the road of life on "empty". Not that I'm not happy...I have been happy lately and I've had many happy moments. But just that I've felt as though I don't have that much to give out to others. I can recall a time in my life when many of the things that I did were of a giving nature. I gave of my time to events at school, I participated on the worship team at church, and I volunteered for several things. But lately, all I've had is enough energy to make it through the day-to-day. Not that there is anything wrong with this season of life, but just that it was an interesting realization for me. In fact, I think this is a good thing for me. I am, by nature, a giving person. I give my time, my self, gifts, and I do my best to be thoughtful and keep in touch with those close to my heart. So this feeling of being empty and stripped of all that used to be how I defined myself is actually...freeing.

I have wondered lately if God has stripped away all the things I used to think defined me with great purpose in mind. Now, there is a blank canvas to work with. Now, God can rub hands together and say, "It's time to get to work. I can do something with this!" And I truly feel like this is what is happening.

When I originally left Connecticut as an 18-year old and eager teenager, I was convinced I would never move back here. There never was anything wrong with Connecticut, but I felt so restricted here. So I took off for the big city of Chicago and there I was able to grow and develop into a God-fearing/loving/serving individual with a heart for kids and a love for life. I grew in my relationships and learned so many valuable life lessons. I became a city girl and loved it. Then I moved to Colorado to finally pursue a career path that I was happy and excited about. In Colorado, I grew up. I feel like it was there that I crossed into womanhood. I learned to let go of expectations and just let life wash over me. I learned to take things as they come and think outside of the box. I learned to let God surprise me. And then, I wanted to come home. For a long time I wanted that. So I did. I went home.

When I first got here, I thought being home would be temporary. I was eager to be a city girl again. I still am in a way. I still crave having diversity and serving children in lower socioeconomic systems. But I have found that I am growing to love living in Connecticut. There is still the possibility that something will come up somewhere and I'll take off for Boston or New York. For now, I am starting to feel settled. I am starting to find joy in being here and hope for a future here.

I of course have no idea what strokes God will paint next on that great white canvas. But I'm enjoying seeing the first few strokes of bright color to reflect the hope and joy that are slowly creeping back into the emptiness.

"...for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure."

~Philippians 2:13

for the sake of the harvest

Yesterday was one of those days. You know the kind. The days where something upsetting or stressful happens and just when you think you're not going to break, one more set-back ignites the flame of frustration, anger, and feeling like a failure.

Yesterday it was my job. Something was in the air from the moment I walked in the door. My class has art first thing in the morning and my one-to-one student didn't want to go. She usually does enjoy going to art, so I tried to reason with her to go. I said she had to go to get credit. She protested. I reiterated the fact that she would get a zero for art that day if she didn't go. She became angry and it was all over from that point on. I did my best to give her space while she was angry. She kicked walls, told me not to follow her, shut a door in my face and then proceeded to stand against it so I couldn't open it. And that was just my student. In other news, there was a water fight which resulted in lunch detention and consequently loud protests from the students involved. Needless to say, I was exhausted when I got home.

When I did get home, I felt like a failure. I felt like I had been working so hard to build positive relationships with these students and suddenly, no matter what I said or did, nothing was good enough. When my student was angry with me, I felt so frustrated and ill-equipped to know what to do or say. I so badly want to be a safe space for her and I felt as though I had ruined it just by doing my job. During the water fight, I didn't know what to do. Should I stop it? Should I let someone else handle it? What do I say to students who don't always care what I say in the first place? These feelings of inadequacy fell hard on my heart and I began to feel as though all the good I thought I had been doing was for nothing. I had failed.

Because of that one feeling of failure at my job, everything else suddenly became exaggerated and I lost it. Fortunately, my dad was home and was able to lend an ear for me to vent for a bit. That certainly helped. He was able to remind me that I'm not alone. I'm not the only person in the world struggling vocationally, struggling with feeling alone and misunderstood, struggling with transition.

One thing that has helped in my transition is a Beth Moore Bible study I have been participating in. There are four of us going through this study together. Two women live in Chicago and one in upstate New York. It has been so wonderful to be able to connect with these women on a spiritual level, even though we are so far apart. Our Bible study together has been intense and has definitely helped me to take a good look at my relationship with God and how deeply I truly believe in God and God's good and perfect will for my life. This is especially difficult when life seems to be so far from how I envisioned it would be by the time I reached my 30s. My work with these ladies and in this Bible study has challenged me and taken me deeper into relationship with God with every day, no matter how difficult the work to get there may be.

Usually, I do my Bible study homework in the morning. However, today I did not have time to truly dig into the homework I had waiting for me. As I quickly ate my breakfast, I glanced over at my worksheets and noticed the daily Bible verse in the margin of my reading for the day.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galations 6:9

Last night, I had raised up all my concerns about work to God and here was an immediate salve to my doubtful heart. Whether or not I see it every day, I am doing good with these students. Yes, it can be weary work, but it is good work. During my continued transition, I have seen God so specifically in areas of my life just when I need to see God. Today was one of those days. I needed to see God in order to return to work with a positive attitude and see what it is that God has for me there. I do not want to give up on my students. They matter to God and they matter to me.

Yesterday, on my way out of work, I stopped in HR to ask what I needed to do to apply for a full-time position. Once I was armed with the proper information, I asked myself "Is this what I really want?". I quit teaching to go into counseling for the express purpose of being able to work more closely with the students who need emotional attention. Of course, I didn't see myself in this specific role, but I do enjoy getting to know the students and hearing their stories. I desire to be a positive force in their lives, even if it is a small role. Most days, my specific student isn't so defiant or angry with me. Most days, she is sweet and seems to enjoy her time with me. Sometimes the hard days make the really good days all that much more of a gift and a reward for my hard work.

I do love these students. I know that so many others have given up on them. But I won't. I have no idea how long I will be at this school or with these specific students, but I will not give up on them as long as our paths cross. I also know that perhaps the harvest is the next step on the career path God has me on. Whatever the next step for me is, I know that my good work with these students is preparing me to take on the next thing. I don't see this job as just a resume builder...I see it as a piece of my calling coming to fruition. I could be there long term or I could be moved on to a place where I'm needed more. Either way, I am excited to continue doing good in whatever capacity God has for me in order for the reaping to be bountiful. In both my life and in the lives of my students.

Today was a better day. My specific student was absent today so I wasn't able to repair my relationship with her. However, I was able to connect more with the other students in my assigned classroom. Throughout the course of the day, I was calm and firm with them. I know that I couldn't have done any of that without God's help to overcome the weariness of yesterday. God is good.

As I was leaving, one of my students asked to see which car was mine. I told her it was too far away to see from where we were. She responded by saying that she wanted to know so that she could slash my tires so that I wouldn't have to leave in the middle of the day. She liked having me around. This from a student who last week called me a few choice words to my face. I must be doing good somewhere.

The weird thing about moving back home is...

...bumping into people from high school or from neighboring high schools that you kinda knew or that know people you know. Don't get me wrong. This isn't a bad weird thing. Just a weird thing. Mostly because I haven't lived in Connecticut for around 13 years! Every other place I've lived in since graduating high school has practically no connection to my hometown. Although, when living in Colorado, I ran into a girl from my high school class while I was working at Banana Republic. Twice. It wasn't a "Don't I know you?" moment either. It was a "Omigosh, we had classes together but weren't ever really close friends but I know you well enough that it would be rude not to say hello and shoot the breeze, so Hey, howareya?" moment. Also, not a bad thing, just kind of an awkward moment. Especially when it's been over ten years since graduation and my current profession was part-time retail/full-time grad student. Nice.

Anyway, back to being home, I guess I just feel that it's weird now because it could legitimately happen at any time. Today, I was at a conference down in Hamden, CT for my after-school job and I ended up in a group project with a guy who recognized me from high school. I didn't recognize him, but he was three classes behind me. Turns out, he hung out with my high school boyfriend's family a lot in high school. I hadn't thought about those years of my life in a really long time. It felt so weird to be recognized from a time period in my life that I rarely think about, but I had clearly made some sort of impression. I'm used to running into people from college. North Parkers are everywhere! And usually, if I run into them, we both know each other from a more recent period of time. But I feel like when you see someone from your past, the only context you know is the one that you knew them in from yesteryear. So for the first time since graduating high school, I'm remembering who I was in high school. It's a lot less about the running into people (awkward or not) and more about re-figuring myself out.

My last romantic relationship changed my perspective on who I saw myself as. And not in a good way. I had dinner with one of my very best sister-friends this past week and it really hit me how falsely my ex had seen who I was when I saw her reaction to some of the things I allowed him to convinced me of. In fact, as I type, the Bruno Mars song "Just the Way You Are" has begun to play on my Pandora radio station. This song is exactly opposite of how I felt with my ex. It really doesn't matter whether he actually thought I needed to change or not. The point is that for the majority of our relationship, I didn't feel as though the person I am was ever good enough for him. Or maybe it was more that he was somehow convinced that who I actually was wasn't actually me. Either way, this song awakes an ache in me because I never heard these words from him. So somewhere in my unconscious awareness of myself I began to see myself as who he saw me and not as who I truly was. I don't think this was intentional on his part or on mine. I truly think he loved me the best that he could. Putting me into his own little box was possibly the only way he could deal with whatever insecurities I apparently brought out in him. And I thought being in that box was loving him. But it wasn't loving him. More importantly, it wasn't loving myself.

So now, I'm reprocessing who I am. I'm reprogramming myself and hoping to find those pieces of my self that got lost in the midst of that relationship. Of course, I'm still me. I'm still the same girl who dances her heart out in her room, sings at the top of her lungs in the car, and is fascinated by Paris and the French culture. It's just that post this relationship, I'm re-realizing that these quirks are positive attributes and part of the reason why my friends and family love me. They aren't just qualities to "accept" about me. They are qualities to love about me because I love these things about me.

I find it interesting that just as that relationship ended, I was packing up to move back home. To my family, my roots, and where I went through many of those life-changing events that helped shaped me as a person. And also to where people know me as the girl I was at seventeen and not as the woman I am at thirty-one. I am suddenly amazed at how perfectly God has coordinated this healing and transitional stage of life. Because it is weird to be reminded of my childhood in so many concrete ways when it is least expected. But also kind of amazing, soul soothing, and self asserting. It's weird, but I like it.

The Bachelor: And the final rose goes to...

EMILY!!!! Wow, this is the first season that I called the last girl standing from the very first episode before even seeing how the women interacted with Brad. Of course, I think it became obvious that Emily was one of the most mature women on the show pretty quickly. Also, as I mentioned in last week's post, I think it was obvious that Brad had very strong feelings for her and was more concerned about her feelings than any of the other women's feelings. There was no deliberation at the end of this one...Brad was 100% sure. Honestly, I think it just goes to show that often, it's all about connection and how strongly you feel about a person. Brad and Emily connected and had strong feelings for each other. I think Jason and Molly prove the same thing...Jason connected with Melissa as well but at the end of the day, his feelings for Molly were stronger so he chose to pursue her instead. In fact, he risked quite a bit of personal criticism to make the right choice for him and follow his heart. Obviously, it's working for them.

I know there is much that happened on the actual final show that I could comment about, but I really want to focus on the After the Final Rose Special. If you watched it, it seemed like Emily and Brad are moving in the direction of most Bachelor/ette couples...break up. However, I think what they're going through is just normal...with the added stress of publicity and throw in the opinions of the public and in-studio audience (could you gasp any louder?). They really did seem to fall in love on the show and Brad feels so strongly for Emily that he really does seem to be willing to do whatever it takes to work through it and make it to the alter. That's great! And really, I think this is why most of these couples fall apart. Fame gets to them and they forget to make it about just themselves...instead it becomes about everyone else.

Earlier, I said that it's about connection and strength of emotion involved. I truly believe that's true. My own experience in relationships tells me that's true. My own experience also tells me that at some point, you have to make a choice. I don't think that you can just choose someone and therefore it will work...I had one boyfriend who believed that but couldn't do what it took to connect with me. It didn't work because the initial connection we made couldn't be sustained by my work alone...it takes two. Back to Brad and Emily...they are at the work and choosing part of their relationship. They love each other and their connection is strong, we see that. But in order to move forward, they both have to choose to continue to work at that connection to keep it strong.

I know it sounds easier than it is and I know that in some relationships you don't have to work as hard to stay connected as in others. But my point is that I think what we, the national public, saw on After the Final Rose is the piece of Brad and Emily's relationship that takes some work. It's normal, we all go through it at some point. Because I like Emily and it seems that she deserves the best, I hope it works for them.

Well, I hope you enjoyed reading my thoughts about this season of The Bachelor. Ashley H. is the next Bachelorette and maybe I'll have something to say about her, but we'll see. Until then, enjoy the coming of spring and summer roses...hooray for warmer weather!

Coming Out Covenant

Hello friends. You may have realized that I recently added another website under my "faves" list to the right of this blog. The website is "Coming Out Covenant" and it is a blog written solely for the purpose of opening the discussion of the inclusion of gay and lesbian peoples in the church, specifically in the Covenant denomination. Here is a little background...

I am a member of the Evangelical Covenant Church. It is a relatively small denomination compared to others, but we have a voice in much of North America and in several countries around the world. I began attending a Covenant church when I was 6 years old, after my family moved to Connecticut. I was raised there, came to Christ there, confirmed there, and made some of the longest lasting and deepest friendships of my life there. I attended North Park University, the Covenant denomination's liberal arts school, and I attended and worked at Pilgrim Pines, one of many Covenant summer camps. I admire the Evangelical Covenant for their willingness to discuss issues more than other denominations. I am grateful for the role the Covenant church has played, and will continue to play in my life.

This past January, a friend of mine from the Covenant church I grew up in, along with my former pastor and other supporters, started this blog. My friend is gay and also a pastor and member of the Evangelical Covenant Church. I have always known him to be a man of faith and a man who actively pursues God in his life. He is someone that I respect and admire for so many reasons. I care about him and his family and what they go through, matters to me. I am so proud of him for being who he is, with no apologies.

I had heard of this blog when it first started, but hadn't gotten around to reading it until this past week. Once I started reading the stories, I couldn't stop. I read every single entry in one sitting. I have very few Christian gay friends that I am close with; that I know of. I cannot claim to understand what it must be like to know that you are a true follower of Christ but those who are your spiritual supporters do not accept all of who you are. I don't understand that from experience. But I think that anyone can understand the feeling of being alone. And this is what I have been reading. How alone they have felt in the one place where they shouldn't be alone.

I want to support my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters so that they do not feel alone. I want to begin the discussion among all my Christian friends in some way because it is important. I have seen so many Christian people in my experiences in Christian settings gloss over the issue or speak of it with disdain or say "hate the sin and love the sinner." Heck, I have even said that before. Personally, I have struggled with the idea of homosexuality as a sin for a long time. Like many others, I had been brought up in the church to believe that being attracted to same sex lovers was bad, sinful, and "good Christians" aren't that way. But in the past 5 or 6 years, I have begun to believe otherwise. I have met people who are gay or lesbian and I have heard their stories. I watched a good friend of mine deal with rejection from others because her brother was gay and a Christian. And I hurt for them. I hurt that they have been rejected when they should have been accepted. The best I feel I can do is show my support and spread the word. Because talking about it is important.

Regardless of what you believe, whether you are a Christian or not, I encourage you to read this blog. I would love for my non-Christian gay friends to see this blog to know that God does not reject them. Neither do I. And neither do several other Christians out there. You are not alone.

The Bachelor: Women Tell All

And tell all they did...although, these were some mean and insensitive women I must say. It's funny how the show can show people in such a different light. I think I even changed my opinion of Michelle!

Before diving into the women, I would like to say that Brad seemed very relaxed and satisfied with his decision. Hopefully that's because he picked someone with maturity and a softness to her...ahem, Emily. I like Chantal, but I just don't see it lasting. Emily has maturity years beyond her actual age and it shows. Also, at the end, when they were recapping his relationship with each girl, Brad made a comment about how he feels about marriage and each girl. With Chantal, he said that he could see himself marrying her. With Emily he said that he wanted to marry her. Well, we all know that most people do (or strive to do) what they want. I can't wait for next week to see whether my hunch is right!

Now for the women...I must say, I was disappointed in several of them. Jackie seemed much more aggressive than I had originally thought she was. She must have really been hurt by Michelle to react like that, but also, she was VERY opinionated. Stacey hit a new low on the show and blatantly questioned Michelle's mothering skills and THEN denied it. I didn't buy it that she was so ignorant that her comment didn't insult Michelle as a mother. It clearly did and she clearly meant it. My mother taught me that if you can't say anything nice, then don't say it at all. I have nothing more to say about that...

The Melissa vs. Raichel thing always seemed very adolescent to me so I was disappointed they discussed that again. Melissa did apologize on national TV to all the women and to Raichel so it seemed that she learned from the situation. Raichel, not so much. It was disappointing to me to see a grown women hold a grudge like that. Since they obviously won't be friends, then what difference does it make to swallow your pride and apologize. I just don't get it. If I wasn't already glad to have such wonderful girl friends in my life who aren't catty like this, then I wasespecially grateful after seeing this exchange. Thank you dear friends!

I was glad to see that Ashley H. and Ashley S. have grown since their time on the show. Both girls were classy and were honest about their experience. Not much to say there except that it's clear that the more mature women were kept on the show longer. Brad has that going for him at least!

Finally, there was Michelle. I honestly think that I've changed my opinion about her. Of course, if my previous narcissistic diagnosis had been true, then this could be seen as Michelle using her emotions to get what she wanted. In this case, public attention. But I honestly don't think that was the case. Michelle seemed honestly shocked and hurt that she had hurt others. I thought that she cried genuine tears over the hurt that she had caused in others and the fact that she hadn't intended to do that. It also seemed to me that the women who knew Michelle the best thought that her commentary was hilarious and hadn't taken offense to anything Michelle said at all. All that to say, I truly felt badly for Michelle and would now like to go back and re-watch her commentary for the humor in it. Of course, we the viewers didn't know anything about Michelle besides what we were shown so immediately we think that Michelle is self-centered and mean. But it seems that she is just super sarcastic. Who knew! One final thing, I saw a lot of maturity in Michelle when she apologized publicly, called Stacey out in a classy way, said that she thought Emily would be a good fit for Brad, and admitted to Brad that she thought he was right when he said that they were too much alike. Go Michelle!!!

Well, that's it for now. I cannot WAIT to see what happens next week! I truly hope that I will not be disappointed...

The Bachelor, week 8/9

For the record, I do realize that I am the worst Bachelor blogger EVER! Not only have I been late putting up my Bachelor response for the past three weeks, but I also completely MISSED last week. I have decided that becoming a regular Bachelor blogger is not my thing and that I am going to leave it to others out there. However, I will probably blog on my observations every once in a while because it's just plain fun!

I also have nothing further to say about my mental health observations about the girls. I've said my piece about Chantal and Emily is rock solid. My pick since day one! Brad, on the other hand, needs to step up and handle the pressure. I wonder if it's not about his commitment issues or his father or anything other than he can't handle the pressure. Sure, he's holding it together, but I'm not sure he is capable of making this decision wisely. Maybe that's what it was last time...too much pressure to pick one so he picked none. Honestly, he seems a bit immature for Emily (despite the fact that he's 14 years her senior!). She is always up front about the reality of life with a five year old and letting him in on what life would be like. And yet, he still doesn't seem to get it. He has little nieces and nephews from what I remember, but I don't think he totally comprehends insta fatherhood. But, he seems to like Emily the best and is therefore trying. Hats off for effort!

With Chantal, Brad seems to be infatuated with her infatuation. Let's face it...it feels good to be liked! Even when you're not interested in someone, it always feels nice to know that you've been noticed and that you invoke good feelings in them. Chantal and Brad seem to be a good match, but Brad does not seem as into her total package as he is about Emily...excluding his naivete about lil' Ricki Tik. He obviously thinks she's hot, but he doesn't tell her more than he should like he does with Emily. With Emily, he's assured the whole way, from wine picnics outside to three one-on-ones on a group date to giving away more information than he should have. I'm not always the best at picking the woman who gets the final rose, so I'm just making some observations.

Sooo...how does he decide between America's Sweetheart and The Girl Whose Slap was Heard Round the World? Can he handle the pressure? There seem to be equal reasons to stay with each one (and abc may have edited all the actual reasons he's choosing the way he is), but what does Brad want? Maybe he just doesn't know. Maybe he never will know. Either way, the world will know what happens in two short weeks from now. I don't know about you, but I'm excited.

Oh, and I'm excited for Girls Tell All next week. I can't wait to see our resident narcissist back in action....Yay!

just what i needed to hear...

I have been feeling so alone lately and wondering what it is that God is up to in my life. I feel as though I have been called to be the places I am and do the things I am doing, but still, it's not the bigger picture. I'm still missing the bigger things that I'm waiting for and I'm tired of going it alone. But the truth is, I'm not alone. A wise woman once told me that God doesn't lead us places just to drop us off and leave us there. I know this to be true, but it is often so hard to feel it. So, this blog from the Stuff Christians Like website was just what I needed to hear. I love how God reminds us of His greatness just when we need to hear it...not before or after, but just at the perfect time. Gives me hope that all this in between stuff is His perfect plan too...even if it doesn't always feel that way...

http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/2011/02/4453/

The Bachelor, Week 7

Ding dong, the witch is gone! It has finally happened...Michelle has left the building. I do have to say that now there will be less entertainment on the show without her around. Of course, now is the time when we get down to business. We are past the "crush" stage and well into "crazy" for all involved. Of course, when the guy likes you back, there is a lot less of the crazy stage, so maybe we are in the "new relationship" stage. Either way, now we meet the families!

Besides Michelle leaving (who clearly was not about to share her emotions on national television...did you see the eye blinking in the limo?), Britt also left this week. Britt used to be a gymnast, but she looked much too tiny for that. I don't want to imply that Britt actually has an eating disorder in this blog. I take that very seriously and I wouldn't ever want to make an assumption about her eating habits. Some people are just little! But, if she was leaning toward anorexic tendencies, the DSM IV says to look for a refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for age and height, intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat regardless of actual weight, disturbance in the way which one's body weight or shape is experienced/denial of seriousness of low body weight, and the possible absence of at least three menstrual cycles. As you can see, extreme skinniness is just one sign of a possible eating disorder and there are several other factors involved that depend on the mental state of the person. I do not have enough, or any, information to say that Britt has an eating disorder of any sort, just that for the purpose of this blog entry, her small figure lends way to one diagnosis to discuss.

On the "group date from hell" (so dubbed on the show), the crazy was definitely coming out! I truly believe that much of Ashley and Chantal's attachment to Brad comes from their desire to deeply connect with a male figure in their lives. Of course, I also see a little bit of myself in Chantal as she cries almost every episode. If it were me on the show, I would probably do the same. Although, most people who know me know that I cry at Cheerios commercials so maybe I wouldn't place too much weight on that comparison. I also would like to take into consideration that it's not normal to have deep feelings for a person and be in a situation where you MUST be ok with him seeing two other people simultaneously with you on a date. Not normal in the LEAST! So I give these girls credit for airing their "crazy" stage on national television in such extenuating circumstances.

Finally, I want to apologize for yet again posting this blog so late after the airing of week 7. I have a much deeper appreciation for people who can fit in longer blogs about the show on a weekly basis. Props to you! Until next week after family fun...

The Bachelor, Week 6

To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what to say about this past weeks episode. First of all, it has been the craziest two weeks with a bunch of training for one job and some student drama at another. I've made it through all right, but wow am I ready for the weekend! I didn't even get to watch The Bachelor until very late on Tuesday night. While I thoroughly enjoyed the episode, the content was just lacking. Except for Michelle's antics of course. Her narcissism was in full swing Monday night. At least she makes the show interesting.

I am significantly beginning to wonder about Brad, the man of the hour. I think it's amazing how he is still keeping Michelle around. She caused way more drama than Jackie did last week! But he sees something in her so we get more entertainment. I am already embarrassed for her for next week based solely on the previews of her photo shoot on the beach with Brad. Maybe it's the whole vampire craze thing, but I keep picturing her looking up from kissing him on the beach with fangs and blood dripping down her chin screaming, "He's Mine!" to the other girls standing by. Maybe Maddison left her fangs and Michelle finally found a use for them after secretly storing them away in her purse the past three weeks.

Glad he let Alli go. My mom and I called her "face" because she always made the worst faces while on camera. Pretty girl, for sure, but her face was kind of elastic, stretching in ways you weren't expecting. The camera always seemed to catch it. Alli did have a very entertaining case of entomophobia that could certainly use some aversion therapy or some cognitive conditioning. I have never used either of those in a therapy session, but it would be interesting. I suppose if I were to use aversion therapy with Alli, I would have to wear protective gear. She hurled that glass of coke at Chantal something fierce! But at least if I were able to get her down to being with a bug in the same room, we could save Brad from screaming interruptions while speaking with Michelle. Michelle would love that too so all Brad's attention was only on her with no interruptions, or else she might get mad. Oh, wait, Michelle is always mad. It's her way of flirting.

Well, it's late, it's been a long week, and my brain is dead tired...I know this because I just mistyped 'dead' as 'ded'...nice. Have a wonderful weekend everyone and I promise to be more analytical and insightful next week in Anguilla! Oh, the places we go...

my own carrie bradshaw complex

It took me a while to get into watching Sex and the City back in the day. But one day, a friend suggested the show to me so I rented a few dvds...and I was hooked. For a while, I would just watch a show or two here and there. And then, it became an obsession. I clearly remember one night where Beth and I got into our car and drove to at least three different video stores looking for the next dvd in the series because we couldn't wait to see what happened next. It was the best night ever...seriously. Mostly because we did finally find it and were able to satiate our desire to find out what would happen between Carrie and Mr. Big.

My love for this show has nothing to do with the actual lifestyles that the women live...or rather, the choices that they make. What I do love is that regardless of how they live their lives, the women characters are relatable. I haven't consistently watched the show in a few years, but I have a newfound desire to watch it from the beginning as I am now in the same age bracket as the women portrayed in the series. I love how they find joy in their friendships and in experiencing life in their city. I love how they still encourage each other through the ups and downs of relationships without judgement. And of course, I love how they each have their own sense of style and wear it with confidence. Carrie in particular, is in love with shoes. Throughout the series, she is almost always buying shoes, imagining herself in new shoes, or scrounging up money to find a way to pay for shoes. While I'm not quite that obsessive, I have come to terms with the fact that no matter how un-materialistic of a person I am in general, that I love new clothes and new shoes in much the same manner.

Having been a broke grad student and then a broke unemployed adult with a masters degree, I haven't been able to spend money updating my own wardrobe. Of course, I have had a part-time job at J.Crew for the past 2 1/2 years so I have been able to occasionally purchase something with my discount. Being without money has been a good lesson for me to learn how to budget and spend money on clothes wisely. In fact, I have taken up "fantasy shopping" in which I shop online and even go as far as to put things I want in my "shopping bag" before exiting the site and never truly purchasing anything. It helps, really! You should try it if you find yourself impulsively always wanting to update your closet.

This June, my brother is getting married. His fiancee has asked both my sister and I to be bridesmaids in the wedding. I am very excited and honored to stand up in their wedding and celebrate their marriage. I am also very excited because this means I get to wear a pretty dress AND buy a new pair of shoes. Since I am on a budget, I will probably not buy my first pair of Jimmy Choos. But, I did browse the DSW website to see what I could find in designer-esque fashion. Since many of my friends that I would usually shop with live far away, I'm going to share my thoughts here and then you can comment and give suggestions/opinions. It'll be like we're shopping together. :-)

These I love. I think it's the wide straps and the slight platform that really make the shoe for me. It's classy and would go with the dress, but still a bit trendy as well. The shoes have to be silver, so I could also spice up a black dress for another event with these shoes OR wear them with jeans during the summer months.

Here is another option I love. Again, they have the slight platform on the bottom and with this pair, it's the ankle strap that I really adore. And I know that the heel on this one is much higher and may

make for a more uncomfortable ceremony for me, but I really do love a tall heel. Yes, they can wear on your feet after a few hours, but they look so good before the pain sets in. And I honestly don't care that I'm already tall...I feel confident in heels so I wear them!

Needless to say, searching for shoes for my brother's wedding also led me to view several other styles that would be perfect for just everyday wear. Take these booties...I have been obsessed with booties ever since I saw J.Crew's bronson suede bootie. But since my budget doesn't even cover this $70 pair at DSW, there is no way it will include the $200 I would spend on the J.Crew brand. Plus, I think these are much better and they come in black suede just like the bronson's. Sold...at least in my fantasy shopping world.

For anyone who is label obsessed, I have also discovered a wonderful website. It's called renttherunway.com. Here is a place where you can look up designer dresses, jewelry, and accessories, rent them for a few days, and then return them after your event for only a fraction of the price. It's a pretty good idea. Awesome if you have the money for it and want to wear a designer label. However, the lowest rental price for dresses is $50, which is usually how much I would expect to spend on a new dress anyway, except that you can't keep it. I did some "fantasy shopping" on this website as well and here are three of my faves.

The first two are different versions of the same Nicole Miller dress. I LOVE the straps, the neckline, the cut, and the open back. The last one is Mark & James by Badgley Mischka. I love how unique and sparkly this one is...I've always loved sparkle! I actually have another wedding to attend this spring in Chicago so maybe I will take advantage of this rental service. Could be fun to wear a designer dress and feel like Carrie Bradshaw for a day!

I really do love looking at new things, discovering new trends, and the enjoyment I get from dressing up and feeling good about myself OR dressing someone else up and watching them feel good about themselves. Sometimes it's just fun to feel girly and pretend to have money to throw around, even if it is just in my imagination. I hope you enjoyed my "fantasy shopping" experience just now. It's as if we're living like Carrie Bradshaw...just a bit on the cheaper side. :-)

The Bachelor, Week 5

First, thank you Chris Harrison for not wearing the same outfit this week in a different color. However, I did wonder if maybe that was just because he didn't have time to get dressed at the beginning of the episode and instead, threw on a pair of jeans with his pajama top. C'mon Chris! Second, I LOVE the dress that Shawntal picked out on her shopping spree extravaganza. If anyone knows where I could find a fake Fendi dress like that for normal person prices, please let me know. I'm going to a wedding this spring and I would love to wear that dress!

Honestly, this whole episode I kept thinking, "What to say...what to say." Most of the girls have definitely already flared their crazy sides, but I gotta say that they are holding their own pretty well. Even Michelle is keeping Brad in her crazy circle pretty well. Who knows why. I guess I could analyze Shawntal's profession and how weird it seems that she is so passionate about dead people. But, I actually thought it was kind of endearing...creepy though it may be.

But what about the situation with Emily? To me, she seems like the most mature woman in the group and the one woman who Brad seems to pursue the most. I think that she is definitely handling the whole situation well, but she also still has quite an attachment to her late fiance. Obviously, Emily had a very strong and beautiful relationship with her first love and that is hard to let go of. Even after six years. I truly hope that Emily can build Brad up enough to let him know that while her fiance will always be a part of who she is, that Brad can also be an important piece of her life. And I hope that Brad is able to understand that aspect of Emily. If I were a couples counselor for the two of them, I would encourage Brad to allow Emily to continue to grieve the loss of that relationship so that she might move forward with him. And I would encourage Emily to find ways to remind Brad of how much he means to her and how he has his own special place in her heart, regardless of her past. If Emily doesn't build Brad up and if Brad has a tough time continuing to allow Emily to process through her past relationship to move forward with him, then it would be really tough for the two of them to make it beyond the romance of the show.

I also have to say that I felt badly for Ashley S. It broke my heart a little to hear her say that she felt as though there wasn't any fight in her anymore. I know what that feels like for sure! From the little information that we know about her, it does seem like she has been through it in her life lately. I also felt badly because from the perspective that the show gave us, it seemed as though Ashley S thinks that she always has to work so hard in relationships. I can also relate to this statement as I always feel as though I have to work hard in relationships as well. Or maybe I just haven't met the right guy yet who will work in our relationship on his own without much prompting from me. Either way, I hope that Ashley S finds someone who lets her know that there isn't anything wrong with her and that when it is truly right, that he won't let her work hard to get his attention because she'll already have it.

Well, I guess that's all from me this week. Besides the drama with Emily and the two-on-one date, it was kind of a boring episode I thought. Hopefully next week will bring some good stuff as Chris Harrison billed it as "the most dramatic Bachelor season ever." Of course, aren't they all the most dramatic season ever? :-)

Have a great week and stay warm and dry out of winter weather.