love is in the details

I always feel most loved when I'm shown in unexpected ways or by ones that pay attention to details.  A note from a friend that says she's praying about the things she knows are on my heart.  Or my mom telling me I'm a beautiful woman first thing in the morning.  Or the time I was surprised to find a whole batch of artfully decorated cupcakes in my room on my birthday.  Or a gift from my sister that she bought because she thought of a joke we have together when she saw it.  These things remind me that I'm loved as is and that people know me and know what I need to feel loved.

Today, I had one of those days where I just felt loved by God in this way.  I did not have the best start to the day.  My work day yesterday was exhausting and I was not looking forward to returning there this morning.  I did not know how I was going to make it through the day.  I prayed for God to help me through it, for peace in my heart, wisdom in how I interacted with others, to remain calm in a crisis, and that I would be able to follow through with everything.  When I arrived at work, I heard that yet another one of my clients had been in crisis the previous evening that took over two hours.  Great.  More paperwork.  More follow up meetings.  Just awesome.

But, I plugged through.  I was able to remain calm and I did not get anxious over all the extra work I needed to do as a result.  Instead, I just did it and I was able to be finished with all the follow up by 2:30, which is when I need to start seeing clients and I no longer have time to do paperwork.  However,  at this time, the weather began to kick in.  I could hear the thunder rolling in for about an hour and it was coming quickly!  Just as I was finishing my last debriefing, the rain started to pour, the wind became ferocious, and the thunder was relentless.  My co-worker and I were astounded at the force of the storm.  The power went out for a minute, and then came back on.  We thought we were in the clear.

I saw the lightening strike and heard the crack at about the same time.  The power went off again as did the fire alarm.  My co-worker and I continue talking (clearly, we work in a facility where crises are no big deal) until there is a knock at my door and someone is saying that it's not a drill, the alarm is real, and we need to get everyone to the school...which means we have to walk outside in the pouring rain and raging storm.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I love a good storm.  It is so exciting to watch the clouds roll in, hear the thunder, and then watch the rain pour down.  And I was excited.  I grabbed my non-verbal client by the arm and said, "Let's go!" and we headed out in the rain together.  We walked all the kids to the school and were able to corral them in the library.  For a group of autistic kids, they did great!  After about half an hour, we were able to walk them back to the residential facility.

At this point, I still had on my schedule three individual therapy sessions and one family session.  One of my sessions was with one of my girls who has struggled to connect with me therapeutically.  I was able to have a great and productive session with her today and build a stronger therapeutic relationship. In the middle of my conversation with her, my supervisor knocks on my door and says that the CEO is sending all non-essential employees home as power and trees are down in many places and that more storms were supposed to roll in.  I finished up my session and made sure it was ok with my last session that I meet with her in the morning instead.  My co-worker canceled our family session and I was out.  It was only 4pm.

So today, I was able to remain calm during the crisis of paperwork and follow up and while walking the kids to the school.  I got to play in the rain a little bit.  I was able to establish a more positive relationship with one of my kids.  AND I got to leave early with permission.  God blessed my day with a change of pace and I was able to spend more time relaxing at home this evening.  Usually, I don't get home until at least 7pm on Wednesdays.  Tonight, I was in jeans and a t-shirt by 4:45.

All in all, it was kind of a crazy day.  But God answered my prayers and allowed me the space to recover that I needed.  The extra few hours off are a blessing to help me gear up to go to work tomorrow.  God knew the exact details I needed to feel loved and cared for by Him.

I believe that God knows right when we need to be loved.  And He knows which details count to remind us that He still loves us and cares for us.  Today, I felt loved in the details.

reflections toward forgiveness

Generally speaking, I tend to be a very reflective person.  I'm a thinker and I like to reflect on what has been, what is, and what I wish things to be.  Sometimes this is a healthy process and it helps me to consider what is going on in my life and figure it all out.  Like I do on this blog.  Although, I have recognized that the longer I have been living in Connecticut, the less I need to reflect here in this space.  I guess I feel as though I have begun to really live again and I have a life here.  I no longer live in Colorado or Chicago and those experiences are their own entity, but they have become a part of my reflections instead of my reality.  Which brings me to the other reason I often reflect...escape from my reality.  On occasion, this can be a good thing.  We all need distractions from our reality once in a while.  I think it helps us to deal with it without stressing us out too much.  But on other occasions, my reflections distract me so much that I lose sight of reality a little bit.

I have been reflecting on my reflections because today I had a realization.  I have been clinging to some past experiences and the emotions those experiences invoked instead of dealing with those emotions and moving on.  I have been angry and hanging on to that anger is not healthy.  I have not forgiven as I thought I had and I don't want to be bitter toward anyone...even if by my own judgment I think that person deserves it.  But I am not the true Judge and it is not up to me to judge another person for their actions.  I am a believer in natural consequences and I believe that everyone must face their own demons and angels at some point.  I say that not to be vindictive, but to say that I have been wrong to hang onto my own feelings of anger and hurt towards another person when it isn't my place to judge.  Especially when wanting this judgment has been a hindrance to my own emotional maturity and growth.  I want to forgive...but it is not easy.

I'm ready to leave it all behind me.  I want to let go so that I can move forward and face life with a clean and open heart instead of hanging onto experiences that create doubt and hurt when those experiences are in the past.  There is enough in my current life to face and look forward to on a daily basis than to spend my energy on being angry.

I have thought about forgiveness before and I have forgiven others and I have been forgiven.  It is a humbling experience all around.  But this one is hard for me.  When you have held onto a hurt for so long, it actually hurts to let it go because that hurt has become like a familiar friend.  It's a comforting and recognized feeling to have.  Even if it is painful.  Letting go is scary.  Even when it's hurt and anger and pain.

I truly believe that we need God entirely to help us forgive each other.  I don't think I could even be considering this without God in my life moving me in a direction that requires me to make room in my heart for something else.  Something better.  Something pure.  Something less painful.  The experiences that caused the hurt for me no longer exist and they are not continuing to occur.  I do not need to hold onto them.  I think reflecting on the lessons learned from those experiences are worth the memory.  But they are no longer my reality and I do not need to be angry any longer.

I'm not quite at forgiveness yet.  But I'm reflecting on it and realizing the necessity of it in order to move forward in my life.  And that's a pretty good start.