My emotions lately have felt like sawdust. I honestly have no other way to describe it and that is all I have been thinking whenever I ask myself, "Self, how are you feeling?" The first answer in my head is "sawdust". (Ok, so I really don't ask that exact question, but you get what I mean.)
I think feeling "sawdust" can be described as just blah and dry. Back in April, I remember feeling so joyous and grateful for all the ways that God had been blessing my life...new job and new apartment topped the list and I was overwhelmed with God's perfect timing and how all the questions I'd had for when and whether God would work my life out here seemed to be answered.
But now I'm back to sawdust. I still love my job. But the honeymoon is over and a few weeks ago, I had a pretty rough run. It's like all my clients talk to each other and decide to go into crisis at the same time. Just putting out one fire after the next is exhausting! Things have settled down now, but I was reminded that no job is perfect and there will always be stress.
I also still love my apartment. But I was quickly reminded that living alone means making more of an effort to get out of the house. I can't just come home and hang out with my parents and feel good because I spent time with other people. I have to make more of an effort to make plans and SEE people. Which isn't a bad thing, but as a person who swings a small percentage to the introverted side of things, it can be difficult for me to remember to make plans and not just hang out at home and feel lonely.
Today I really brought this emotion to God and worked on working it out. I had a great day. Went to church. Stopped at a roadside stand to buy fresh produce. Got flirted with by the grandpa-type running the cash register (who did not make my potential significant-other list despite his nice comments and eyebrow raising). Drove to the shore and walked on the beach. Did grocery shopping and made a delicious dinner. Set up some shelves in my apartment, which significantly improved the homeyness of my living room space. During all of these activities, I kept asking God, "What do I do about this? Why can't I just be happy with all that You've given to me?" No answer. After my walk on the beach, I felt free, but still was missing something. Before making my dinner, I played a random mix of Christian worship/pop/rock songs and the Nichole Nordeman song "Gratitude" (see words below) began to play and I was overcome with emotion...real emotion, not sawdust. I was moved by the reminder that even when God does not seem to be providing in the ways I want Him to, that there is still plenty to give thanks to God for. And it doesn't mean that I shouldn't feel sad or grieve the things that I am struggling with, but just to say, that even when I feel "sawdust", I continue to feel gratitude for the ways that God comforts me and sends me just the right words at just the right time. And more than anything else that made today a good day, I am grateful for the reminder that God still knows every hair on my head, God is not like the shifting shadows, I can trust in Him, and even when it seems that God has stopped answering my prayers, He is still there providing for me and loving me in ways that I just may not have anticipated.
Send some rain, would You send some rain?'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink againAnd the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?Let the sky grow black and send some mercy downSurely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not todayMaybe You'll provide in other waysAnd if that's the case
We'll give thanks to You with gratitudeFor lessons learned in how to thirst for YouHow to bless the very sun that warms our faceIf You never send us rain
Daily bread, give us daily breadBless our bodies, keep our children fedFill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us throughTucked away beneath our sturdy roofsLet us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not todayMaybe You'll provide in other waysAnd if that's the case
We'll give thanks to You with gratitudeA lesson learned to hunger after YouThat a starry sky offers a better viewIf no roof is overheadAnd if we never taste that bread
Oh, the differences that often are betweenEverything we want and what we really need
So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peaceMove our hearts to hear a single beatBetween alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not todayPeace might be another world awayAnd if that's the case
We'll give thanks to You with gratitudeFor lessons learned in how to trust in YouThat we are blessed beyond what we could ever dreamIn abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peaceBut, Jesus, would You please
Read more: NICHOLE NORDEMAN - GRATITUDE LYRICS
