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Saturday, April 7, 2018

healing

Healing is a topic I'm pretty familiar with.  As a child and family therapist, I often talk about healing with my clients and how the process can take a lot longer than expected.  One example I use to illustrate this is that healing isn't a straight line, but a line that continues to circle back before it moves forward again, making a series of loops that is constantly moving forward and up.  During a season of healing, there is a lot of forward movement but there is also backward movement.  Right when a client seems to demonstrate that they are making significant work towards their goal, they come in and report that things have started to feel bad again and they are struggling.  I often use this illustration and draw this looped line for them to demonstrate that just because they are on the backward slide of one of the loops and feel like nothing is getting better, they have still moved forward and will soon be on the forward movement side of the loop helping them to feel as though they are making progress again.  Some clients benefit from this illustration, others still struggle, but many are reminded that healing takes time and are able to feel positive about the work they have done.

Yes, this is an illustration that I am familiar with.  Yes, I am comfortable encouraging others in their own healing.  But when comes to my own healing, well that is a different story!  The past 7 months after my surgery have had a lot to do with healing for me.  For a while, it did feel like I was in that forward motion and continued to keep moving forward without any backward movement.  I did everything the doctors told me to.  I followed the rules and pushed myself enough but not too hard.  And then I got the approval to run again and all seemed to be going as planned.

But in January, after a run, my back muscles let me know they weren't quiet there yet.  I spent the afternoon in pain and iced and stretched.  The next day wasn't much better.  After two months of being off taking daily ibuprofen and muscle relaxers, I was back on them just to help myself get through the day.  Even swimming was difficult and I had to take it easy again.  I thought I had done everything correctly and in my head, that meant that healing would continue to move forward in a steady line as it had in the previous months post-surgery.  I had forgotten about those dang loops and the backward movement.  I stopped running.  I took advantage of snow storms to rest from playing volleyball.  I stretched and iced, then stretched and iced some more.  I felt frustrated and alone and worried that I would never be able to run again.  My body is also used to exercising at a certain level and because I wasn't, my body started changing where I gained weight in areas I usually don't gain weight in.  I began to feel uncomfortable in my own skin and I felt as though I couldn't do anything about it.

Going through this, I was reminded of the healing loops analogy.  I realized I was in a back loop and while I had previously made forward movement, now I was experiencing regression.  And I was not patient.  To help, I decided to be intentional about taking work out classes that would challenge me but also work specifically on my lower back muscles and abdomen.  For lent, I decided that I would take Pure Barre classes 3x a week instead of focusing on returning to running.  I wanted to be intentional about allowing myself to heal and I felt that using the season of lent would help me lean more fully on God for support.  I needed God when I heard a new song that I wanted to run to.  I needed God when I drove by early morning runners on my way to class and I felt jealous that they could run.  I needed God when my muscles burned from all the ballet moves Pure Barre had me do.  I needed God when my clothes didn't fit the way they used to and I couldn't return to my "usual" routine to help change that.  And I needed God to ease my anxiety about whether I would ever run again.  I learned a lot about patience with myself, accepting the limits of my body, and feeling ok with a new routine.  I was reminded of how God can be quiet and firm and present and hidden all at the same time.  I needed that season to help me get back on a forward moving loop.

During this time, I have been acutely aware of how there are people in my life who had also been working through some kind of healing.  I saw broken relationships, death, physical ailments, changes in jobs, and loss of future dreams.  But I also saw community gather around these people and support them through their healing.  For me, I am so grateful for my faith in God and for my community of supports in family and friends.  I don't think I could find a forward loop again without those in my life.  Regardless of your beliefs, find your community and your supports when you are healing.  Be kind to yourself when that wave of pain comes over you again and you're not as far on the healing journey as you had thought.  Be patient when healing doesn't go quite as planned.  And remind yourself that it's only a season.  You will be on a forward loop again before you know it.