2020. A new year. A new decade. It feels fresh to me. A blank piece of paper just waiting for me to write the next chapter of my story in it.
I don't like to do New Years resolutions because, well, they don't last very long. They should really be called "January Resolutions: the things we temporarily change to feel happier in an otherwise cold and gray month." Hmm...maybe that's a bit pessimistic of me. But honestly, that's what it has been for me in the past.
"I'm going to manage my finances better!" Four weeks later and I've usually already overspent my budget because I have a weakness for pretty things and a difficult time saying no to just one more drink at social outings.
"I'm going to eat only Paleo!" Three weeks later I've downed three cupcakes at my nephew's birthday party because I've deprived myself of sugar for 21 days and my system is in shock.
"I'm not going to drink coffee anymore!" My brother said that to me once and the next morning he was making coffee for me and his wife and promptly poured himself a cup because "you're here visiting!" He gave up that afternoon.
Resolutions are tough because they are usually some type of behavior change. We make them because we want to improve our lives in some way. Be better. Work harder. Stay healthy. Lose weight. Find love. Be stable. Feel happier. And we make the resolution because wouldn't it be so nice if we COULD change a behavior pattern overnight? Bippiti-boppiti-boo...I no longer crave a good cupcake. Shazaam...I am a financial wizard. Instant happiness.
But, it doesn't work that way. Behavior change is TOUGH! It is so difficult to change your whole manner of being that has it's habits and easy-way-outs and justifications ingrained in you since who knows when. And when we can't make the change immediately, we give up. And that feels just dreadful!
I decided a few years ago that instead of a resolution, I wanted to come up with a theme for my year. A theme that I can continue to come back to when new opportunities present themselves. A theme that I can make small behavior changes within. A broader idea of what I would like to be in the clean and bare year ahead of me. I can make the year into whatever I would like it to be and not all the things I do in it have to fit under the theme. But it keeps me grounded and focused on working on myself in one small area of my life with room to expand and include other growth activities.
Ironically enough, I decided that I wanted to make this year's theme behavior changes. I have recently noticed in myself some behaviors I do that cause me to experience heartbreak and disappointment at a very deep and painful level. This pain is often disproportionate to the situation, and even if it is justified pain/anger/sadness, the intensity and my inability to let go of it is harmful to myself and inhibits my ability to move forward. I also recently noticed that even when I do have good intentions of changing my behavior, I do small things that have little impact on the bigger change I'm trying to make. This is in contrast to doing small things that have BIG impact on the bigger change I'm trying to make. And, I realized that I don't dream that things could be different. Instead of actually doing something about these behaviors, I have accepted that "this is who I am" and have taken somewhat of a victim stance about it. While some of it is who I am (I have always been sensitive and had big emotions), I recognize that it doesn't have to continue to be this way. I can take action.
The other day, one of my closest friends gave me the following quote:
"The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want and if they can't find them, make them." ~George Bernard Shaw
I want to be a woman who gets up and looks for the circumstances she wants. I have actually done this in several areas of my life before so I know I can do it. This year, I want to make behavior change in some tough areas that I tend to ignore. I ignore them because to really look at my behaviors and why I end up in the situations I do is painful. The drivers are deeply latched in my heart and letting go of them feels uncomfortable. That's the thing about behavior change. It is SUPPOSED to be uncomfortable. We've gotten used to operating with deficiencies or justifications and to let go of these crutches feels awkward and shaky and new. We have to re-learn how to do something in order for the results to be better.
This year, I will allow myself to dream. I will let myself envision what my life could be and what I want it to be. I will trust in my instincts and my intuition and I will act on it. I will no longer allow these behaviors to control the outcome of my life. I will make small changes that have big impact on my life. It's going to be hard and I will probably fail sometimes and make regressions to old behaviors. The difference is that I will notice it, let go of it, try again, and move forward.
It's going to be an amazing year. I cannot wait to see how this chapter turns out.
