Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to be a dancer. There are pictures of me at 3 years old partner dancing with a toddler life size Sesame Street Ernie doll. I begged my parents for dance lessons when I was little, but wasn't able to have them. I always looked forward to dances in middle and high school and learned some pretty sweet (and not so sweet) moves then. I choreographed my first dance number in my high school musical as Tiger Lily in Peter Pan. In college, I took swing dance lessons at campus events. I began choreographing other dances on my own..and won a lip sync contest with four of my friends as *NSYNC. For a while, I got into the salsa community while living in Chicago and loved being able to go out and dance the night away. Most of my friends know that my best party trick is to perform a Britney dance. When I moved back to Connecticut, I finally took a real ballet class and loved it. When I think about it, even without real formal training, I already am a dancer. I feel free and like myself and happy when I dance. I love it.
Most recently, a friend introduced me to the local swing and blues community. I've decided that this is my new adventure, my new challenge. I want to be a Lindy hop dancer and I want to get good at it. I bought the shoes. I signed up for a dance weekend in September and I'm looking into attending a second. I'm going to go to social dances weekly as much as possible this summer. I'm committed.
One thing I am learning in this experience is how to follow. I've done partner dances before but I've always struggled with following. I have leader traits by nature (I am an oldest child after all) and I like to be able to know what is coming next. Learning how to trust someone to lead me and let me know what the next steps are is counterintuitive for me. But in Lindy hop, as the follow, you have to trust that the lead will know where to go next. I need to learn how to trust my partner, how to communicate with him through our movement, how to connect with him through the dance. Dance is communication without words. I'm learning how to listen to my partner by following how he guides me without telling me. Most times, I get it right. But there are many times when I try to take the dance back and I forget to listen. I try to take a turn before my partner has asked me to or I think we're going to a close position but he meant to keep us in an open position. Then we pause. Usually I laugh and apologize. And then my partner guides me back into it and we try again. Sometimes, a mistake can turn into something beautiful and we figure it out without the pause. But I still have to trust him, return to following him, and allow him to lead me in the dance.
The other day I read the following in a devotional as if God were speaking to me:
I want you to trust Me enough to let me lead. When a couple is dancing, one of them leads and the other follows. Otherwise, there is confusion and awkwardness. Dance with Me, beloved. Follow My lead as I guide you gracefully through your life. (From Jesus Always, by Sarah Young)
It's strange to me how sometimes things in my life line up with what I'm going through spiritually. Although, when I think about it, of course it's not strange...that's how God works. Always communicating with me not through words, but through movement in my life. Like in a dance. Lately, I have been frustrated with God for many reasons. It's just one of those tough seasons and I am very ready for that season to be over. Similar to learning Lindy hop, I'm struggling with following. I want to know what's next. I want to make the choices and move things forward when I am ready for them to move forward instead of trusting God to move and guide me without speaking. Like in a dance. If I try too hard to make life happen the way I think it should happen, it becomes confusing and awkward. Like in a dance. Life becomes graceful again when I trust God to let me know the next move right at the exact moment that it needs to happen. Like in a dance.
I have needed this analogy so much right now. The more I think about it, the calmer I feel. When God speaks to me in ways that speak to the heart of who I already am (a dancer), I feel loved and seen and known. As I'm learning to follow in dancing, I am understanding in a new way how to follow God. What it means to wait for the next move in the dance by trusting my lead. As the follow, I don't have to think about what's next. I just have to listen to what's being said without words through the connection. God does this too when God dances with me.
Being asked to dance makes me so happy. I love learning how to follow, communicate, and connect with others through dance. I love expressing myself in this way. And I love that in my spiritual life, God wants to dance with me too.
Wednesday, June 20, 2018
Saturday, June 9, 2018
taboo
With the recent very public suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, I've been thinking more about why the topic of mental health still seems so taboo in our culture. For me, as a licensed professional counselor, mental health is a daily conversation with my professional peers and co-workers. I hear words like safety plan, protective factors, positive supports, mindfulness, self-care, coping skills, anxiety, panic, depression, self harm, behavior plan, and several others on a regular basis. I have no problem talking about what is needed to best help my clients and assessing their mental health.
However, when it comes to our own mental health, it becomes more difficult. Even being a mental health professional, talking about my own hurts and struggles can be a difficult thing. It's an ugly side that feels much too vulnerable to share with the world at large. Even when I share with those in my close circle, I feel so exposed and I worry that I'm placing too much emotional strain on the people I care about. So I hesitate to share. I hesitate to talk about what my feelings truly are when I most need the support. I pause to reach out to family and friends that have loved me for my lifespan, even though they have proven time and again that they are reliable, trustworthy, loving and forgiving when I have been at my nastiest and ugliest emotional depths.
I have these positive supports in my life and I know I can count on them. And still, reaching out when I need it is tough. I get it. I understand why a person might choose to end their life instead of continuing to feel at their ugliest and most painful points. Depression is deep and dark and unpredictable. Anxiety is quick and sharp and overwhelming. If you have felt these things time and again and feel as though you have done what you can and you still feel them so intensely, I can empathize with why it is hard to move forward. If you have never felt this way, it may be tough to understand when someone you love is going through it. Depression or anxiety is not a physical illness that you can see in an x-ray like cancer. But they are a cancer. You get treatment for a while at a certain intensity, then you get better, so you scale back on your treatments. You go into remission and life goes on and you feel better and you remember why you love life. But then, when you least expect it, a trigger hits and the life-stealer is back. The cancer has returned. And when it returns, sometimes it's more intense and sometimes its less. Sometimes it lasts longer, sometimes shorter. Unpredictable. Overwhelming. And it feels discouraging. If Kate and Anthony dealt with these feelings over and over with no end in sight, I can understand why suicide may have felt like a valid way out. Mental health symptoms might not be seen like cancer can, but they kill all the same.
Please talk about it. If you are experiencing one of these things, please reach out when the weight of sadness gets to be too much or the fire of worry overtakes your thoughts. Use resources like the suicide hotline, 211, and mental health supports. If you know someone in your life who is experiencing these emotions, please let them know they can be vulnerable with you. Reach out to those in your life who have struggled with this before and let them know they are loved and have value. You may not know when a loved one is struggling and sometimes that kind word, text message, or hug can occur at exactly the right moment before you even knew that it was needed.
If you don't know what else to do, the best thing is to just be present with someone who is struggling. One of my favorite examples of this can be found in the Bible in the book of Job. If you don't know the story, the short version is that Job was brought through significant emotional, physical, and mental pain and loss. Right after all of this occurs, three of Job's closest friends come to visit him. When they see him, they openly grieve their friend's losses. And then they sit with him. For seven days. Without speaking a word. To me, that is beautiful support and validation. You don't have to fix it or know what to say. Just be there and let your loved one know that you'll be there when the feelings change again to help them pick up the pieces and move forward.
And when they are ready to talk about it with you, they will know that for you, it's not taboo and hopefully, another life can be saved.
The Weight of Sadness
If you have ever known the weight of sadness
you know it feels like a stone tied to your heart
pulling your emotions down into dark waters.
You try to loosen the knotted rope,
but it doesn't give.
You try with all your might to loosen the stone,
but it just sits.
You ask for help from a trusted few,
but sometimes all they can do
is sit next to you
in the dark.
~EES
However, when it comes to our own mental health, it becomes more difficult. Even being a mental health professional, talking about my own hurts and struggles can be a difficult thing. It's an ugly side that feels much too vulnerable to share with the world at large. Even when I share with those in my close circle, I feel so exposed and I worry that I'm placing too much emotional strain on the people I care about. So I hesitate to share. I hesitate to talk about what my feelings truly are when I most need the support. I pause to reach out to family and friends that have loved me for my lifespan, even though they have proven time and again that they are reliable, trustworthy, loving and forgiving when I have been at my nastiest and ugliest emotional depths.
I have these positive supports in my life and I know I can count on them. And still, reaching out when I need it is tough. I get it. I understand why a person might choose to end their life instead of continuing to feel at their ugliest and most painful points. Depression is deep and dark and unpredictable. Anxiety is quick and sharp and overwhelming. If you have felt these things time and again and feel as though you have done what you can and you still feel them so intensely, I can empathize with why it is hard to move forward. If you have never felt this way, it may be tough to understand when someone you love is going through it. Depression or anxiety is not a physical illness that you can see in an x-ray like cancer. But they are a cancer. You get treatment for a while at a certain intensity, then you get better, so you scale back on your treatments. You go into remission and life goes on and you feel better and you remember why you love life. But then, when you least expect it, a trigger hits and the life-stealer is back. The cancer has returned. And when it returns, sometimes it's more intense and sometimes its less. Sometimes it lasts longer, sometimes shorter. Unpredictable. Overwhelming. And it feels discouraging. If Kate and Anthony dealt with these feelings over and over with no end in sight, I can understand why suicide may have felt like a valid way out. Mental health symptoms might not be seen like cancer can, but they kill all the same.
Please talk about it. If you are experiencing one of these things, please reach out when the weight of sadness gets to be too much or the fire of worry overtakes your thoughts. Use resources like the suicide hotline, 211, and mental health supports. If you know someone in your life who is experiencing these emotions, please let them know they can be vulnerable with you. Reach out to those in your life who have struggled with this before and let them know they are loved and have value. You may not know when a loved one is struggling and sometimes that kind word, text message, or hug can occur at exactly the right moment before you even knew that it was needed.
If you don't know what else to do, the best thing is to just be present with someone who is struggling. One of my favorite examples of this can be found in the Bible in the book of Job. If you don't know the story, the short version is that Job was brought through significant emotional, physical, and mental pain and loss. Right after all of this occurs, three of Job's closest friends come to visit him. When they see him, they openly grieve their friend's losses. And then they sit with him. For seven days. Without speaking a word. To me, that is beautiful support and validation. You don't have to fix it or know what to say. Just be there and let your loved one know that you'll be there when the feelings change again to help them pick up the pieces and move forward.
And when they are ready to talk about it with you, they will know that for you, it's not taboo and hopefully, another life can be saved.
The Weight of Sadness
If you have ever known the weight of sadness
you know it feels like a stone tied to your heart
pulling your emotions down into dark waters.
You try to loosen the knotted rope,
but it doesn't give.
You try with all your might to loosen the stone,
but it just sits.
You ask for help from a trusted few,
but sometimes all they can do
is sit next to you
in the dark.
~EES
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