I was quickly glancing over the date of my last post and realized it has been a year and more since I last wrote! Whew! So many life changes since then...where to begin...
Well, I started this blog back in 2011 after I moved home from Colorado, broke from three years of graduate school, no job, heartbroken, and feeling lost as to what was next. I started this blog so I could have a place to put my thoughts out into the inter-webs with the hope that someone else out there would say "me too! I feel that way too!" and know that they're not alone. I also feel that my life has this symbiotic weirdness to it that is all interconnected. Themes follow me like a bumble bee in the summer. Just when I think another theme won't show up in my life, there it is again, hovering just near my ear. And no matter how I try to swat the theme away, it keeps coming back. It doesn't bother me or become angry, just always returns as if to say, "You thought I forgot you, but I didn't. Your life still has connection and matters." For me, writing my thoughts here reminds me of the common thread God continues to weave into my everyday.
So here I am. Nearing 9 years after my move back to Connecticut and returning back to the other side of the rainbow. 9 years of life lessons, reconnection with family, building friendships, deepening those relationships, figuring out who I am and who I want to be, career development, and new goals developed. 9 years working through feelings of wandering aimlessly, aching over desires not yet answered, identifying and healing difficult emotions, and finding peace and strength through it all. 9 years. Strange, but it doesn't quite feel that long. Those years back home were beautiful years and there is a sadness from moving on from it all. But I needed that time. I am so much stronger and confident and sure of myself now. And now, there's a new rainbow I've followed. But this time, I think I'm reaching for the gold at the end of it instead of returning to the comfort of the familiar after the adventure in Oz.
So what is that gold? I really don't know! But what I do know, is that a theme in my life has returned. The theme of wanting to be connected to the arts, creativity, live my life in adventure, be connected to a variety of people, be around music, dance, and find joy in all of those things. Back in November, I was visiting New York City with a friend. We were getting ready to head out of our hotel to visit a jazz club. As I waited for her, I looked out of our hotel window at the lights of Times Square (that's right...we went all out #thankyouverymuchhotelsdotcom) and could sense that little bumblebee of a theme buzzing around my ear and in my thoughts. "I could move here" it whispered. "I would love this" it hummed. "I could dance here" it sang. "I could sing here" it lilted. "You would find your people here" it buzzed. And my heart started pounding as this theme returned and my excitement began to tingle. Could I? Could I do this? So I decided to listen to the whispering, humming, singing, lilting, and buzzing of the theme and see what I could see if I pursued it.
And so, I began the journey to move my life to New York City. A little background on why this is a theme in my life. I have always been enamored with New York City. As a little girl, I begged to visit. I wanted to see a Broadway show, visit Radio City Music Hall, see the Statue of Liberty, and go to Central Park. The glitz and glam spoke to me and I wanted to experience it. When I was 17, I finally got to visit and see Phantom of the Opera on Broadway. I was in love! But, I was already accepted to a college in Chicago so my New York dreams would have to wait. After I completed my undergrad degree, I again looked into moving to New York and looked at a few creative writing programs back east. But alas, it was not meant to be. Instead, I completed a few more years of teaching music in Chicago (a city which I love!) and then had a bumblebee-theme-moment that drew me to Colorado to pursue my masters degree in Counseling. During those years, I visited New York several times to visit friends and have various adventures. Each time, my love continued to grow, but it just wasn't the time. And then, I graduated, had difficulty finding a job in my field, had a break up, and moved back home to Connecticut. So, 9 years of living back on the other side of the rainbow ensued. And it was lovely. I made many trips to the city during those years, each time thinking that I could never afford it/make it happen/I was too old...the excuses went on. Then November 2018 happened and (cue the buzzing bee) I returned to see Phantom of the Opera for the 2nd time, 22 years after the first viewing and my first New York City visit. I knew then it was going to happen. All I had to do was open the door that was placed in front of me and God would take care of the rest.
And God has. It hasn't been without some difficulty and hiccups, but it's been beautiful. I feel like I belong here. Even now, I am sitting in a local neighborhood restaurant by myself writing this and I feel so ME. Last night, I spent time with a friend I met here and she is so someone that I feel I need in my life right now. We went out for happy hour and then to see live jazz music and dance. I felt so alive and beautiful and happy. I've even had a little New York romance here, which sadly didn't turn into anything long term, but was beautiful for what it was. It gives me hope that my guy is here and that the romantic pieces of my life that I long for aren't too far away.
So maybe there is gold at the end of this rainbow. And maybe I'll end up somewhere else (Paris?!?) in my future. But I love the adventure this change has given me. I love that all my old triggers to the aching desires of my heart don't affect me as deeply anymore. Because now, I'm loving the life that is instead of being focused on the longing for the life that isn't yet. I'm learning to live in the moment, to be strong, to speak for myself, to be free to be fully me, and to have peace in the unknown instead of always planning the future. And I'm dancing, singing, engaging in music, being creative, chasing rainbows, loving others, and living my best life. The life I feel I was created to live.
Being a New York Girl feels pretty awesome. I cannot wait to see where this rainbow leads.
