Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4
I have had a back and forth relationship with this verse. For a long time, I loved it. I adhered to it and believed that all the things my heart longed for would come true. And then, when all those prayers and dreams and desires didn't happen, I hated this verse. Each time I read it, I would curse at God. I would yell and scream and swear and cry out why the desires of my heart had not been given to me. I thought I had been faithful in my love for God and had done all the "right" things to get there. I had placed my trust in God, I thought I had listened and followed when I was supposed to. And yet, the desires I had asked for were not answered.
Since moving to New York, it's interesting how the desires of my heart have been morphing into something new and unexpected. For many of you who have read my posts before, you know that finding a life partner and building a family of our own have been the deepest desires of my heart for a long time. But lately, this has been surprisingly shifting. And it's not that I don't want those things, but being in an environment with other single people who don't have or want those things has opened my eyes to other possibilities for my future. And surprisingly, the desires of my heart have started to change.
Instead of dreaming about a husband and a house and two children and our corgi, I've been dreaming about all the exciting things and possibilities that I could do with my life. I could start a singing group and perform more often. I could improve my swing dancing and travel to places all over the world to perfect this skill. I could also travel for leisure and explore what the world has to offer. I can go see live music and shows whenever I want. I could start my private practice. I could continue to run with World Vision and maybe visit Africa to see how clean water reaches communities in need. I could give my nieces and nephews experiences that only an Auntie could give them because she has the time and the energy. I could write a book. I could do so many more things that I haven't even thought of yet, but life would be filled with adventure and excitement and so many desires of my heart that I long for would be answered.
Don't get me wrong...I still dream about having a husband someday and if we should be blessed with children, I'm sure we would be excellent parents. And of course we would have a corgi too. But lately, these things have not been the strongest desire of my heart. And it's weird that I feel this weight lifted off my chest and this sense of freedom in my life. It's new and unanticipated. I'm not quite sure what to do with this newfound sense of freedom and adventure and possibility and hope. It feels good to let go of old desires and grasp onto new ones.
I'm not sure how I feel about that verse now. But I think that this change in my heart is an answer to prayer. I feel confident in pursuing life to the fullest in New York and I'm excited for all the possibilities it holds. And maybe the lesson learned is that when you delight yourself in God, the desires of your heart become what God had for you all along.
