joyfully empty

Not too long ago, I was talking with one of my best friends over the phone and we briefly touched upon the subject of the price of gas. And how ridiculous it is. Seriously, I could drop about $50 just to fill my little Honda Civic! This made me think of how in high school I wouldn't want to spend a lot of money to fill the family van up, so I would fill it up about $5 worth and then pray that the van would make it all the places I needed it to go on just that. In fact, I knew how long the needle could be sitting on "empty" before I really needed to fill it up again. I haven't been that adventurous with my gas gauge since then, but I was an expert at it back then. With prices the way they are, I've been wondering if I should be more of an expert on how far I can go on "empty".

As I was falling asleep last night, I realized that this is a great analogy for how I've been feeling lately. I feel as though I have been seeing how long I can drive around on the road of life on "empty". Not that I'm not happy...I have been happy lately and I've had many happy moments. But just that I've felt as though I don't have that much to give out to others. I can recall a time in my life when many of the things that I did were of a giving nature. I gave of my time to events at school, I participated on the worship team at church, and I volunteered for several things. But lately, all I've had is enough energy to make it through the day-to-day. Not that there is anything wrong with this season of life, but just that it was an interesting realization for me. In fact, I think this is a good thing for me. I am, by nature, a giving person. I give my time, my self, gifts, and I do my best to be thoughtful and keep in touch with those close to my heart. So this feeling of being empty and stripped of all that used to be how I defined myself is actually...freeing.

I have wondered lately if God has stripped away all the things I used to think defined me with great purpose in mind. Now, there is a blank canvas to work with. Now, God can rub hands together and say, "It's time to get to work. I can do something with this!" And I truly feel like this is what is happening.

When I originally left Connecticut as an 18-year old and eager teenager, I was convinced I would never move back here. There never was anything wrong with Connecticut, but I felt so restricted here. So I took off for the big city of Chicago and there I was able to grow and develop into a God-fearing/loving/serving individual with a heart for kids and a love for life. I grew in my relationships and learned so many valuable life lessons. I became a city girl and loved it. Then I moved to Colorado to finally pursue a career path that I was happy and excited about. In Colorado, I grew up. I feel like it was there that I crossed into womanhood. I learned to let go of expectations and just let life wash over me. I learned to take things as they come and think outside of the box. I learned to let God surprise me. And then, I wanted to come home. For a long time I wanted that. So I did. I went home.

When I first got here, I thought being home would be temporary. I was eager to be a city girl again. I still am in a way. I still crave having diversity and serving children in lower socioeconomic systems. But I have found that I am growing to love living in Connecticut. There is still the possibility that something will come up somewhere and I'll take off for Boston or New York. For now, I am starting to feel settled. I am starting to find joy in being here and hope for a future here.

I of course have no idea what strokes God will paint next on that great white canvas. But I'm enjoying seeing the first few strokes of bright color to reflect the hope and joy that are slowly creeping back into the emptiness.

"...for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure."

~Philippians 2:13