reflections toward forgiveness

Generally speaking, I tend to be a very reflective person.  I'm a thinker and I like to reflect on what has been, what is, and what I wish things to be.  Sometimes this is a healthy process and it helps me to consider what is going on in my life and figure it all out.  Like I do on this blog.  Although, I have recognized that the longer I have been living in Connecticut, the less I need to reflect here in this space.  I guess I feel as though I have begun to really live again and I have a life here.  I no longer live in Colorado or Chicago and those experiences are their own entity, but they have become a part of my reflections instead of my reality.  Which brings me to the other reason I often reflect...escape from my reality.  On occasion, this can be a good thing.  We all need distractions from our reality once in a while.  I think it helps us to deal with it without stressing us out too much.  But on other occasions, my reflections distract me so much that I lose sight of reality a little bit.

I have been reflecting on my reflections because today I had a realization.  I have been clinging to some past experiences and the emotions those experiences invoked instead of dealing with those emotions and moving on.  I have been angry and hanging on to that anger is not healthy.  I have not forgiven as I thought I had and I don't want to be bitter toward anyone...even if by my own judgment I think that person deserves it.  But I am not the true Judge and it is not up to me to judge another person for their actions.  I am a believer in natural consequences and I believe that everyone must face their own demons and angels at some point.  I say that not to be vindictive, but to say that I have been wrong to hang onto my own feelings of anger and hurt towards another person when it isn't my place to judge.  Especially when wanting this judgment has been a hindrance to my own emotional maturity and growth.  I want to forgive...but it is not easy.

I'm ready to leave it all behind me.  I want to let go so that I can move forward and face life with a clean and open heart instead of hanging onto experiences that create doubt and hurt when those experiences are in the past.  There is enough in my current life to face and look forward to on a daily basis than to spend my energy on being angry.

I have thought about forgiveness before and I have forgiven others and I have been forgiven.  It is a humbling experience all around.  But this one is hard for me.  When you have held onto a hurt for so long, it actually hurts to let it go because that hurt has become like a familiar friend.  It's a comforting and recognized feeling to have.  Even if it is painful.  Letting go is scary.  Even when it's hurt and anger and pain.

I truly believe that we need God entirely to help us forgive each other.  I don't think I could even be considering this without God in my life moving me in a direction that requires me to make room in my heart for something else.  Something better.  Something pure.  Something less painful.  The experiences that caused the hurt for me no longer exist and they are not continuing to occur.  I do not need to hold onto them.  I think reflecting on the lessons learned from those experiences are worth the memory.  But they are no longer my reality and I do not need to be angry any longer.

I'm not quite at forgiveness yet.  But I'm reflecting on it and realizing the necessity of it in order to move forward in my life.  And that's a pretty good start.