I have had these words I'm preparing to write floating around in my head for the past few weeks. I just couldn't figure out how to start writing it or even whether I should. It is always difficult to be open about moments in life when I just don't have any answers and God remains mum on the topic when we talk. But, there was something in me prompting me to write it. To put what has been floating around in my thoughts and in my heartbeat into the cyber world. So, BIG BREATH, here goes...
Lately, I have been feeling...feeling...just feeling I guess. This summer has been a season of grieving for me. The loss of my beloved Grandma Betty. Coming to terms with the fact that my life does not look like how I hoped it would at 34 and grieving those dreams. Facing disappointment that a relationship did not turn out the way I wanted it, and believed that God wanted it, to. Trying not to absorb the grief of some of my clients and learning how not to do that since clearly I had stuff of my own to work through. It's always easier to blame someone else's problems for your sadness than actually dealing with whatever else is being stored up. I have been sad at losses. I have been angry at God for ways I felt He misled me and angry at myself for misunderstanding what I thought God had been telling me. I have been frustrated that my life feels out of my control and that there is nothing to do to change it at this point. In fact, I feel as though I have been trying to change some things and instead of things changing, I just end up more tired and more exhausted and with no results. Lots of questions, but no answers. Support from those who love me, but no solutions. What to do when the only thing I really want is to learn how to be satisfied with the life God has given me. Instead, I'm too human to stop dreaming for what my little heart desires.
I thought I would return to some of my stand-by favorite artists for assistance...Madeleine L'Engle and Nichole Nordeman. I actually developed a love for the material of both of these women around the same time in my life...about 10 years ago when I was going through another period of questions for my life. And I am, to this day, convinced that if the three of us women ever ended up in one room together that we would be instant kindred spirits. I read Madeleine L'Engle's book Walking on Water as a part of an artists Bible study as a way to make our faith and our creativity align with God. After that, I was hooked. I think I have read 80% of her work and have multiple times felt as though the words on the page were taken directly from my thoughts. I began my "imaginary" friendship with Nichole (we're totally on a first name basis, of course) when a friend of mine insisted that I needed to hear her album This Mystery. The realness of her music and songwriting stuck with me and I couldn't stop listening to it, feeling grateful that FINALLY there was a Christian musician who seemed to get me. I even stalked her after a concert in college and she was gracious enough to talk to me with a smile on her face and not once did she point out that maybe I was a little over-eager to be friends. It just wasn't our time yet, I guess.
First, I re-read Walking on Water. It was just as good the second time as the first. I turned to this particular book to tap back into my creative side and artistic thought processes. I have begun to notice that I know and love many people who think very practically. Black and white. B follows A and 1 plus 1 always equals 2. There is value in practicality and sometimes I need a little more of it. However, I started to feel less like myself because I thought because I don't think practically that there was something flawed with the way I was thinking. I figured that reading Walking on Water would remind me of how God sees value in all ways of thinking. Not only did it do that, but I also began to relax back into myself. I remembered that dreaming and considering the possibility that I could walk on water is a very important part of me. I enjoy thinking in the gray. It excites me to consider all the possibilities, no matter how impractical. With God, anything is possible and 1 plus 1 could actually equal 3...or at least enough loaves and fishes to feed a crowd of thousands. All those miracles in the Bible actually did occur! I was also encouraged to tap into my artistic side more than I have been doing. My soul aches to sing. My heart longs to put words into verse. My mind desires to put conversations into a story. My ears yearn for the depth of a well rehearsed orchestral number. My eyes cry for a beautiful sunset. My body itches to dance (and yes, I do dance by myself and I am not ashamed. Try it. You will feel so free.). And I feel this way because God created me this way. It is who I am. I needed to be reminded of who I am as I work through this particular chapter in my life.
Shortly after I began re-reading Walking on Water, I discovered that Nichole Nordeman had actually written a book recently. It's called Love Story: The Hand that holds us from the Garden to the Gates and it is written based on the album Music Inspired by The Story, which Nichole co-wrote. It seemed to me like a good book to bring me back to the basics of my faith, which is exactly what I needed given that all my feelings were quickly spiraling into a crisis of faith. I have been so blessed by this book (and the music from the cd, which I also bought just to round out my collection). Nichole writes so honestly about how her life, the lives of those around her, and most importantly, the Bible characters she chose to bring to life relate to God and how God relates to them. I have so appreciated how she brought God's relationship with each Bible character into the 21st century and made it relevant. While I am still working through my own questions, I have felt less abandoned by God and more reminded that he is GOD and in that I can trust. Even when I am lamenting my own losses and disappointments. Even when I don't understand and my life doesn't seem to make sense. Even when I feel as though I've lost the will to try again to make change. God can handle all of this and I don't need to let him off the hook for it. I still don't know if God really does always give us the desires of our hearts and if he ever explains why he doesn't answer those prayers. And some days, it is still work for me to remember that God loves me. The words in Nichole's book have drawn me back to scripture and back to the story of love that is so precious to my heart...the gift of Jesus and how he loved us enough to give his life... for me. God understands my heart and has gently reminded me that he's still there and will always give me what I need, even if it's not what I wanted. And even in those moments, he will withstand my tantrum over the fact that what I wanted wasn't what I got. He'll still love me as is, tell me to keep my eyes on him, and to walk on the water anyway.
Last week, I injured my back doing practically nothing. I stood up. That's what I did. It has been a rather uncomfortable week and frustrating because I have not been able to physically do things that I love to do...like run. Grrr. However, one day, I was listening to a Bethany Dillon song that I had choreographed (well, a more accurate description would be that I created some "moves" and graceful arm sweeps) for myself to worship through a few years ago. Despite the condition of my back, I was drawn to dance. And so I did. Amazingly enough, my back did not hurt once during the whole song. I remembered all my "moves" and even put in a few new ones thanks to the ballet class I took last year. For the first time this summer, I felt as though I was able to worship God fully. I had not danced in that worshipful way in a few years and here I was, drawn to move in ways I did not think I could due to my injury. But through my pain, God gave me freedom and I worshipped him fully. That is what I am hoping for the outcome of this season of grieving for myself. That through the pain, God will give me freedom and will draw me into worshipful creativity with him as I learn with each day what it means to keep my eyes on him without faltering when I don't understand. With his help, and because I believe it will happen, I'll remember how to walk on water.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Sunday, June 9, 2013
gratitude
My emotions lately have felt like sawdust. I honestly have no other way to describe it and that is all I have been thinking whenever I ask myself, "Self, how are you feeling?" The first answer in my head is "sawdust". (Ok, so I really don't ask that exact question, but you get what I mean.)
I think feeling "sawdust" can be described as just blah and dry. Back in April, I remember feeling so joyous and grateful for all the ways that God had been blessing my life...new job and new apartment topped the list and I was overwhelmed with God's perfect timing and how all the questions I'd had for when and whether God would work my life out here seemed to be answered.
But now I'm back to sawdust. I still love my job. But the honeymoon is over and a few weeks ago, I had a pretty rough run. It's like all my clients talk to each other and decide to go into crisis at the same time. Just putting out one fire after the next is exhausting! Things have settled down now, but I was reminded that no job is perfect and there will always be stress.
I also still love my apartment. But I was quickly reminded that living alone means making more of an effort to get out of the house. I can't just come home and hang out with my parents and feel good because I spent time with other people. I have to make more of an effort to make plans and SEE people. Which isn't a bad thing, but as a person who swings a small percentage to the introverted side of things, it can be difficult for me to remember to make plans and not just hang out at home and feel lonely.
Today I really brought this emotion to God and worked on working it out. I had a great day. Went to church. Stopped at a roadside stand to buy fresh produce. Got flirted with by the grandpa-type running the cash register (who did not make my potential significant-other list despite his nice comments and eyebrow raising). Drove to the shore and walked on the beach. Did grocery shopping and made a delicious dinner. Set up some shelves in my apartment, which significantly improved the homeyness of my living room space. During all of these activities, I kept asking God, "What do I do about this? Why can't I just be happy with all that You've given to me?" No answer. After my walk on the beach, I felt free, but still was missing something. Before making my dinner, I played a random mix of Christian worship/pop/rock songs and the Nichole Nordeman song "Gratitude" (see words below) began to play and I was overcome with emotion...real emotion, not sawdust. I was moved by the reminder that even when God does not seem to be providing in the ways I want Him to, that there is still plenty to give thanks to God for. And it doesn't mean that I shouldn't feel sad or grieve the things that I am struggling with, but just to say, that even when I feel "sawdust", I continue to feel gratitude for the ways that God comforts me and sends me just the right words at just the right time. And more than anything else that made today a good day, I am grateful for the reminder that God still knows every hair on my head, God is not like the shifting shadows, I can trust in Him, and even when it seems that God has stopped answering my prayers, He is still there providing for me and loving me in ways that I just may not have anticipated.
Send some rain, would You send some rain?'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink againAnd the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?Let the sky grow black and send some mercy downSurely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not todayMaybe You'll provide in other waysAnd if that's the case
We'll give thanks to You with gratitudeFor lessons learned in how to thirst for YouHow to bless the very sun that warms our faceIf You never send us rain
Daily bread, give us daily breadBless our bodies, keep our children fedFill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us throughTucked away beneath our sturdy roofsLet us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not todayMaybe You'll provide in other waysAnd if that's the case
We'll give thanks to You with gratitudeA lesson learned to hunger after YouThat a starry sky offers a better viewIf no roof is overheadAnd if we never taste that bread
Oh, the differences that often are betweenEverything we want and what we really need
So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peaceMove our hearts to hear a single beatBetween alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not todayPeace might be another world awayAnd if that's the case
We'll give thanks to You with gratitudeFor lessons learned in how to trust in YouThat we are blessed beyond what we could ever dreamIn abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peaceBut, Jesus, would You please
Read more: NICHOLE NORDEMAN - GRATITUDE LYRICS
I think feeling "sawdust" can be described as just blah and dry. Back in April, I remember feeling so joyous and grateful for all the ways that God had been blessing my life...new job and new apartment topped the list and I was overwhelmed with God's perfect timing and how all the questions I'd had for when and whether God would work my life out here seemed to be answered.
But now I'm back to sawdust. I still love my job. But the honeymoon is over and a few weeks ago, I had a pretty rough run. It's like all my clients talk to each other and decide to go into crisis at the same time. Just putting out one fire after the next is exhausting! Things have settled down now, but I was reminded that no job is perfect and there will always be stress.
I also still love my apartment. But I was quickly reminded that living alone means making more of an effort to get out of the house. I can't just come home and hang out with my parents and feel good because I spent time with other people. I have to make more of an effort to make plans and SEE people. Which isn't a bad thing, but as a person who swings a small percentage to the introverted side of things, it can be difficult for me to remember to make plans and not just hang out at home and feel lonely.
Today I really brought this emotion to God and worked on working it out. I had a great day. Went to church. Stopped at a roadside stand to buy fresh produce. Got flirted with by the grandpa-type running the cash register (who did not make my potential significant-other list despite his nice comments and eyebrow raising). Drove to the shore and walked on the beach. Did grocery shopping and made a delicious dinner. Set up some shelves in my apartment, which significantly improved the homeyness of my living room space. During all of these activities, I kept asking God, "What do I do about this? Why can't I just be happy with all that You've given to me?" No answer. After my walk on the beach, I felt free, but still was missing something. Before making my dinner, I played a random mix of Christian worship/pop/rock songs and the Nichole Nordeman song "Gratitude" (see words below) began to play and I was overcome with emotion...real emotion, not sawdust. I was moved by the reminder that even when God does not seem to be providing in the ways I want Him to, that there is still plenty to give thanks to God for. And it doesn't mean that I shouldn't feel sad or grieve the things that I am struggling with, but just to say, that even when I feel "sawdust", I continue to feel gratitude for the ways that God comforts me and sends me just the right words at just the right time. And more than anything else that made today a good day, I am grateful for the reminder that God still knows every hair on my head, God is not like the shifting shadows, I can trust in Him, and even when it seems that God has stopped answering my prayers, He is still there providing for me and loving me in ways that I just may not have anticipated.
Send some rain, would You send some rain?'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink againAnd the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?Let the sky grow black and send some mercy downSurely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not todayMaybe You'll provide in other waysAnd if that's the case
We'll give thanks to You with gratitudeFor lessons learned in how to thirst for YouHow to bless the very sun that warms our faceIf You never send us rain
Daily bread, give us daily breadBless our bodies, keep our children fedFill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us throughTucked away beneath our sturdy roofsLet us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not todayMaybe You'll provide in other waysAnd if that's the case
We'll give thanks to You with gratitudeA lesson learned to hunger after YouThat a starry sky offers a better viewIf no roof is overheadAnd if we never taste that bread
Oh, the differences that often are betweenEverything we want and what we really need
So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peaceMove our hearts to hear a single beatBetween alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not todayPeace might be another world awayAnd if that's the case
We'll give thanks to You with gratitudeFor lessons learned in how to trust in YouThat we are blessed beyond what we could ever dreamIn abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peaceBut, Jesus, would You please
Read more: NICHOLE NORDEMAN - GRATITUDE LYRICS
Monday, February 11, 2013
time is a funny thing
Another new year...and actually, it has been for over a month. I cannot believe that it is already this far into February! Time has been getting away from me lately and I have wanted to update my blog and just get my thoughts out there so many times in the past months, but...well, there isn't much of an excuse except that I didn't know what to write. Several times I started a new post and then promptly deleted it because I didn't think it accurately stated what I intended to say. Sometimes all it takes is time to get my thoughts straight.
As per usual, I have been contemplating the new year and the changes it could bring to my life. 2012 was a good but not very momentous year in my life. I felt more like it was a "building" year...one where I matured in some areas, healed some more in other areas, and all together gathered strength and purpose. I have been living in Connecticut for two years now and I am finally feeling as though I can say that I have a life here. I have a routine. I have friends. I am involved at church. I have favorite places. I am a part of my family in a way that I have wanted to be for so long. I have a job in my field...a job that I am actually excited about! God has been so good to me as I have trusted Him to build me in these ways. I remember arriving home two years ago and feeling so frustrated with my life...feeling as though I had been overlooked, forgotten, and as though all I had been through was completely irrelevant to where I was going. I find it amazing how God uses time to bring us to a point of thankfulness and praise for all the ways that God has worked things out.
As I have mentioned, I have many things to be grateful for and to see how perfectly God has been moving in my life. One way in particular has been in my work...my career. Five years ago, I applied to an unknown school in Colorado, quit a steady career, and took a chance on a "gut feeling"...or what I believe was spiritual leading. During my schooling, I knew it was the career God chose for me...that I was created to do the work I was studying to do. I was becoming. After grad school, I knew that it would take time for me to get to my "dream" job. I applied everywhere and anywhere and took what I could get. Through my time at the Children's Home (now Ädelbrook, although I still struggle to call it that), God truly moved to make a path for me. From a part time 1:1, to a full time position with clinical experience, to a clinical coordinator, I couldn't have asked for a better experience. I have been truly blessed by my experiences, my clients, and most of all, the many people that I worked with. And just when it was most unexpected, a new opportunity came up and before I knew it, I was leaving. I have only been at my new job for a few weeks and already, I feel as though this is exactly what God has been preparing and building me for. As much as I appreciate my experience at CHOC, I feel more like myself in this new position. I know that there will be challenges and frustrations as at any job, but this feels like me. And I have been more affirmed that the gut feeling I had five years ago was so much more than that. This has been God's plan and leading for me all along. It just took time...God's perfect timing.
Of course, there are other areas of my life that I still wonder and hope and cry to God about why those prayers haven't been answered yet. Specifically, the deepest longings of my heart and life where my heart feels empty and unfulfilled. Sometimes it's easiest to ignore those pains and just focus on the areas where I can see how God's timing has brought my prayers to fruition. But I can't altogether ignore my feelings. Lately I have been allowing myself to be ok with the sadness that comes with wanting and longing. I often feel as though I have to only point to the areas where I am happy in life and remember that God is always good and that I should attribute this void to God's goodness...so somehow, I'm not allowed to be sad about the things I still want. And while I do believe that God works things to perfect timing so that God's goodness can be visible, I also believe that God wants me to feel what is true for me in the moment. So whether it takes 2 years, 3 years, or another 5 years for God to work out that "gut feeling", I know that God will work it out and when He does, I will see how perfect the timing is...even though it was hard to wait in the mean time. Plus, it is my hope and will be my joy to know that God really did save the best part of this transition for last. And when it happens, however long I waited for it won't matter anymore because I will know that the time it took for everything to come together in perfect harmony was just as it should be.
As per usual, I have been contemplating the new year and the changes it could bring to my life. 2012 was a good but not very momentous year in my life. I felt more like it was a "building" year...one where I matured in some areas, healed some more in other areas, and all together gathered strength and purpose. I have been living in Connecticut for two years now and I am finally feeling as though I can say that I have a life here. I have a routine. I have friends. I am involved at church. I have favorite places. I am a part of my family in a way that I have wanted to be for so long. I have a job in my field...a job that I am actually excited about! God has been so good to me as I have trusted Him to build me in these ways. I remember arriving home two years ago and feeling so frustrated with my life...feeling as though I had been overlooked, forgotten, and as though all I had been through was completely irrelevant to where I was going. I find it amazing how God uses time to bring us to a point of thankfulness and praise for all the ways that God has worked things out.
As I have mentioned, I have many things to be grateful for and to see how perfectly God has been moving in my life. One way in particular has been in my work...my career. Five years ago, I applied to an unknown school in Colorado, quit a steady career, and took a chance on a "gut feeling"...or what I believe was spiritual leading. During my schooling, I knew it was the career God chose for me...that I was created to do the work I was studying to do. I was becoming. After grad school, I knew that it would take time for me to get to my "dream" job. I applied everywhere and anywhere and took what I could get. Through my time at the Children's Home (now Ädelbrook, although I still struggle to call it that), God truly moved to make a path for me. From a part time 1:1, to a full time position with clinical experience, to a clinical coordinator, I couldn't have asked for a better experience. I have been truly blessed by my experiences, my clients, and most of all, the many people that I worked with. And just when it was most unexpected, a new opportunity came up and before I knew it, I was leaving. I have only been at my new job for a few weeks and already, I feel as though this is exactly what God has been preparing and building me for. As much as I appreciate my experience at CHOC, I feel more like myself in this new position. I know that there will be challenges and frustrations as at any job, but this feels like me. And I have been more affirmed that the gut feeling I had five years ago was so much more than that. This has been God's plan and leading for me all along. It just took time...God's perfect timing.
Of course, there are other areas of my life that I still wonder and hope and cry to God about why those prayers haven't been answered yet. Specifically, the deepest longings of my heart and life where my heart feels empty and unfulfilled. Sometimes it's easiest to ignore those pains and just focus on the areas where I can see how God's timing has brought my prayers to fruition. But I can't altogether ignore my feelings. Lately I have been allowing myself to be ok with the sadness that comes with wanting and longing. I often feel as though I have to only point to the areas where I am happy in life and remember that God is always good and that I should attribute this void to God's goodness...so somehow, I'm not allowed to be sad about the things I still want. And while I do believe that God works things to perfect timing so that God's goodness can be visible, I also believe that God wants me to feel what is true for me in the moment. So whether it takes 2 years, 3 years, or another 5 years for God to work out that "gut feeling", I know that God will work it out and when He does, I will see how perfect the timing is...even though it was hard to wait in the mean time. Plus, it is my hope and will be my joy to know that God really did save the best part of this transition for last. And when it happens, however long I waited for it won't matter anymore because I will know that the time it took for everything to come together in perfect harmony was just as it should be.
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