Another new year...and actually, it has been for over a month. I cannot believe that it is already this far into February! Time has been getting away from me lately and I have wanted to update my blog and just get my thoughts out there so many times in the past months, but...well, there isn't much of an excuse except that I didn't know what to write. Several times I started a new post and then promptly deleted it because I didn't think it accurately stated what I intended to say. Sometimes all it takes is time to get my thoughts straight.
As per usual, I have been contemplating the new year and the changes it could bring to my life. 2012 was a good but not very momentous year in my life. I felt more like it was a "building" year...one where I matured in some areas, healed some more in other areas, and all together gathered strength and purpose. I have been living in Connecticut for two years now and I am finally feeling as though I can say that I have a life here. I have a routine. I have friends. I am involved at church. I have favorite places. I am a part of my family in a way that I have wanted to be for so long. I have a job in my field...a job that I am actually excited about! God has been so good to me as I have trusted Him to build me in these ways. I remember arriving home two years ago and feeling so frustrated with my life...feeling as though I had been overlooked, forgotten, and as though all I had been through was completely irrelevant to where I was going. I find it amazing how God uses time to bring us to a point of thankfulness and praise for all the ways that God has worked things out.
As I have mentioned, I have many things to be grateful for and to see how perfectly God has been moving in my life. One way in particular has been in my work...my career. Five years ago, I applied to an unknown school in Colorado, quit a steady career, and took a chance on a "gut feeling"...or what I believe was spiritual leading. During my schooling, I knew it was the career God chose for me...that I was created to do the work I was studying to do. I was becoming. After grad school, I knew that it would take time for me to get to my "dream" job. I applied everywhere and anywhere and took what I could get. Through my time at the Children's Home (now Ädelbrook, although I still struggle to call it that), God truly moved to make a path for me. From a part time 1:1, to a full time position with clinical experience, to a clinical coordinator, I couldn't have asked for a better experience. I have been truly blessed by my experiences, my clients, and most of all, the many people that I worked with. And just when it was most unexpected, a new opportunity came up and before I knew it, I was leaving. I have only been at my new job for a few weeks and already, I feel as though this is exactly what God has been preparing and building me for. As much as I appreciate my experience at CHOC, I feel more like myself in this new position. I know that there will be challenges and frustrations as at any job, but this feels like me. And I have been more affirmed that the gut feeling I had five years ago was so much more than that. This has been God's plan and leading for me all along. It just took time...God's perfect timing.
Of course, there are other areas of my life that I still wonder and hope and cry to God about why those prayers haven't been answered yet. Specifically, the deepest longings of my heart and life where my heart feels empty and unfulfilled. Sometimes it's easiest to ignore those pains and just focus on the areas where I can see how God's timing has brought my prayers to fruition. But I can't altogether ignore my feelings. Lately I have been allowing myself to be ok with the sadness that comes with wanting and longing. I often feel as though I have to only point to the areas where I am happy in life and remember that God is always good and that I should attribute this void to God's goodness...so somehow, I'm not allowed to be sad about the things I still want. And while I do believe that God works things to perfect timing so that God's goodness can be visible, I also believe that God wants me to feel what is true for me in the moment. So whether it takes 2 years, 3 years, or another 5 years for God to work out that "gut feeling", I know that God will work it out and when He does, I will see how perfect the timing is...even though it was hard to wait in the mean time. Plus, it is my hope and will be my joy to know that God really did save the best part of this transition for last. And when it happens, however long I waited for it won't matter anymore because I will know that the time it took for everything to come together in perfect harmony was just as it should be.
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