This was the first line of my daily devotional today. And it struck a chord for me. The past two weeks have been a lot about waiting for me. Waiting to hear a diagnosis. Waiting for my name to be called for an appointment. Waiting for surgery. Waiting to be released from the hospital. Waiting for the pain to subside. Waiting for healing. Waiting for visitors. Waiting to find answers for the next few weeks. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
If you say a word frequently enough, it starts to sound weird. Not only does the word sound weird to me, but the actual act of waiting is weird to me. I can't remember the last time I had so much TIME to literally just wait. Time to slow my life down. Time to focus. But also time for anxiety to start to take it's iron grip on my mind. And waiting can exacerbate this anxiety. Thoughts that include, "is that pain normal?", "what is that ache about?", "what is that puffiness?", and "what are they doing at work?", "will I be able to jump back in after all this time off?", "what if they replace me?", "what if I lose private practice clients?", or "will I be able to run again?", "will I still be able to go to Germany in two weeks and if I can go, SHOULD I go?".
I recognize that many of these thoughts are irrational or at least, exaggerations of a more rational thought process. So when I read that first line of my devotion today, I felt that God was reminding me of what this time and waiting was for. That it is a gift. This time can be spent with God and I can give God my mind. So much of my life the past 8 months has been all about work and work alone. I am realizing that I really don't know how to disconnect myself from my job. I preach this all the time to my clinicians and yet, I really suck at it! I have had so many dreams lately that are full of anxiety. Instead of taking advantage of this much needed and vital rest, my mind has been working overtime when my body has needed to slow down. For some reason, I can't get them both on the same page.
Further down in my devotion, it read: "The more you focus on Me and My Word, the more you can break free from painful, irrational thoughts. The usually have their roots in distressing experiences that wounded you, so the distortions are deeply etched in your brain."
How true this is! Many of these thoughts are based on untruths that I have believed about myself or have allowed others to place upon me from past experiences. I even caught a thought today that I know was rooted in untruths from a past abusive relationship that ended 7 years ago. Talk about being deeply etched! And I'm sure that others are etched more deeply and longer ago than that. Instead of this time becoming a time of rest, healing, and renewal, my mind has continued to break me down.
As usual, God always seems to give me music to go with what I'm going through. At the end of July, Nichole Nordeman (my favorite!) came out with her first full length new album since 2006. I am in love of course! One song that stuck out to me from the beginning is called "Hush, Hush". When I first heard it, this song really related to things I struggling with at work. But now, it is so relevant to every thing I'm experiencing with my body, healing, anxiety, and wondering where God is in all of it. I know He's here and God is more clear to me when I read a devotion like today's and it relates to what I'm feeling. But sometimes, I feel so alone and that's when all those thoughts begin to spiral out of control and all my energy goes toward decreasing anxiety instead of healing my body and finding ways to enjoy the rest. So I continue to cling to this song as my anthem during this time of healing, for however long it may last. And I pray that during this time, my mind will be renewed by the One who loves me more than I know.
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