settling for the right thing

It has been a long week. In fact, it's been a long couple of weeks. Maybe a long couple of months. Next week I will not be working at CHOC but will instead be heading up a social skills camp for my old employer in West Hartford. Prior to obtaining my full time job, I had made a summer commitment for this camp and CHOC has allowed me the week off in order to work for the day camp. While there will be things that will be stressful about it (it was my idea and I'm running and planning the whole thing...AH!), I'm glad for the break. I haven't had a real break from the Children's Home since April and sometimes, you just need some time away. I will miss it for sure. I love working there. Even though there are things about working there that I'm still not sure about, one thing I am sure of is that it's where I'm supposed to be. It feels right.

I have lately been thinking a lot about how right my life feels. No, I don't want to live with my parents forever, but it feels like the right place for me to be living. No, I didn't ever want to move back to Connecticut, but it feels like the right place for me to be. No, I didn't exactly envision myself as in charge of discharge planning for Autistic boys, but it's the right job for me. And no, I didn't want to turn 32 as a single woman, but it's exactly the right season of life for me. All these things that if you took it in a different perspective, could be seen as settling for something. But I'm not. I feel settled, but I'm not settling for these things in my life. I'm excited and I'm trusting in God's provision for me and in God's guidance for my life.

On my way home from work today, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the scenery is here. I was driving through New Englandy towns and watching the sun go down over green hills and letting the eastern summer air blow through my windows. Being here feels like it fits me. And I fit being here. For so long I have always lived in places with one foot in and one foot out...always knowing that some day I would probably move on from that place. But now, I don't have that anymore. Now, I can just stay. I can settle a bit.

There are, of course, still things in my life that don't feel settled. I haven't found a church where I truly feel like I fit yet. I have some friends around here, but I have found that it's hard to build friendships like the ones that I already have. It takes time and effort and patience to reconnect with and find those kinds of friends. I know that I will find these things, but it will just take time.

I also have been feeling very settled in being a single woman. In fact, I have even found myself enjoying it a bit. Wow. How's that for unexpected? I went on a date earlier this week (my first 'first date' in over two years) and I found that I could in fact enjoy myself, figure out whether or not I was interested, and then be assertive, genuine, and nice about letting him know that I wasn't interested in more than a friendship. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for going because I usually know right away whether I'm interested in a person or not. I am interested in knowing this person, but there are things about him that I already know would not make a good relationship for me. But, I went, had a good time, and yes, it did stink a little to deflate his ego, but it was ok. I'm ok and he's probably ok too...albeit a little disappointed. For a while I was scared that I would just settle for some guy who liked me because I was too afraid to be lonely for the rest of my life. But I know that is not true. I value myself and my happiness too much to do that. I feel like I'm ready to be in a relationship that opens my heart, is real, and that could be settled. But I know that I won't settle for the wrong thing. At this moment, I'm content to enjoy life as it is and continue to pray that the right guy will be there in God's perfect timing. It is also sufficient to note that for the first time in a long time I don't feel as though God messed up in this area of my life. Instead, I feel peaceful in the reminder that God's timing is perfect, even if it doesn't look the way I thought that it would.

So, I'm settling. I'm settling into my life here in Connecticut, my new job, and my life as a woman in her 30s. I continue to be surprised by how things have continued to work out and develop in my life. I'm excited to experience more. And I know that this is the right place for me.

what a difference a year makes...

I think there are two times a year when I reflect on the past year. New Years and my birthday. So really, I'm reflecting on life about every 6 months. But, I include the whole year both times. Hmmm...maybe I should reevaluate this habit...

As I'm thinking about turning 32 tomorrow, I once again fall into the thought pattern of "this is so not where I thought I would be at my age!" This thought pattern is never healthy. It will inevitably end in fits of tears and perhaps a few empty wine glasses. However, I have found myself thinking lately that I feel as though I'm right where I should be.

Wow. That's new.

I still want all the things I thought I would have in my life at 32. I just find myself feeling ok about not having them yet. Hope has started to peek through the curtains of negativity and the sun is making a beam of light into my life. I still don't have any promise that I will eventually get to experience all the life markers I both jealously and joyously have watched many of my friends experience. But I feel hope that my turn may still come.

Of course, as soon as I wrote that, the tears began to well up in my eyes and the lies began to speak in my head again about how I gave up all hope of ever having the life I wanted after my last relationship ended. But now, I know that's not true and it's easier to ignore the lies. A year ago, I thought God had cursed me to always live a life that was hard and painful and never have the things I desired. I don't truly believe in a God that is mean. It felt like God was mean back then. But, God isn't mean. I believe in a God who loves me and who gives me free will to make my own choices. And I believe in a God who will love me no matter which choices I make. But...that doesn't mean that my choices will make me happy. And a year ago, I was making choices that were making me feel unhappy.

Since last July, I have made choices that I'm happy with. I took control of my life a little bit and began to trust that the intuition God gave me to choose what I wanted to choose were in fact, choices God had in mind for me. Learning to trust in God has certainly been a theme in my life this past year. I feel as though all of the decisions I've made about my life this past year have been ones where I couldn't see how the outcome would be positive. In retrospect, I am very happy with all the major decisions I made for my life this past year. Sure, there is a lot of pain associated with a break up, relocating, and starting over. But going through all that has brought me out as a stronger and more faithful woman. I feel more assured of myself, who I am, what I desire for my life, and strong enough to keep going with each day. I don't regret a single decision I made in the past year of my life.

I look at where I was last year on my birthday and I know that I had tangible pieces that fit into what I wanted in my life. Looking back, it feels like they were the pieces to someone else's puzzle and I was cheating myself by not making room for the right pieces to my life-puzzle. In my annual birthday reflection, I'm realizing that the pieces in my life at this moment are the right ones. While the picture they're making is an unexpected one, I'm realizing that it suits me, who I am, and what I (and God) desire for my life. Without having all the answers yet, I am happy with the answers God has revealed to me thus far. Life is good.

I'm excited to see what this next year of life brings for me. On every birthday I'm always hopeful that this year of life will be the year that the experiences I dream of and pray for will happen for me. Maybe they will. Maybe not. Either way, I know I'll be ok. And I know that God hears me, God is faithful to me, and God loves me. Regardless of the choices I will make. After the past year, I know that I trust God with those choices more than ever before. That, in itself, is hope enough for me.

My heart is steadfast, O God,

my heart is steadfast!

I will sing and make melody!

For your steadfast love is great to the

heavens,

your faithfulness to the clouds.

~Psalm 57:7 & 10