As I'm thinking about turning 32 tomorrow, I once again fall into the thought pattern of "this is so not where I thought I would be at my age!" This thought pattern is never healthy. It will inevitably end in fits of tears and perhaps a few empty wine glasses. However, I have found myself thinking lately that I feel as though I'm right where I should be.
Wow. That's new.
I still want all the things I thought I would have in my life at 32. I just find myself feeling ok about not having them yet. Hope has started to peek through the curtains of negativity and the sun is making a beam of light into my life. I still don't have any promise that I will eventually get to experience all the life markers I both jealously and joyously have watched many of my friends experience. But I feel hope that my turn may still come.
Of course, as soon as I wrote that, the tears began to well up in my eyes and the lies began to speak in my head again about how I gave up all hope of ever having the life I wanted after my last relationship ended. But now, I know that's not true and it's easier to ignore the lies. A year ago, I thought God had cursed me to always live a life that was hard and painful and never have the things I desired. I don't truly believe in a God that is mean. It felt like God was mean back then. But, God isn't mean. I believe in a God who loves me and who gives me free will to make my own choices. And I believe in a God who will love me no matter which choices I make. But...that doesn't mean that my choices will make me happy. And a year ago, I was making choices that were making me feel unhappy.
Since last July, I have made choices that I'm happy with. I took control of my life a little bit and began to trust that the intuition God gave me to choose what I wanted to choose were in fact, choices God had in mind for me. Learning to trust in God has certainly been a theme in my life this past year. I feel as though all of the decisions I've made about my life this past year have been ones where I couldn't see how the outcome would be positive. In retrospect, I am very happy with all the major decisions I made for my life this past year. Sure, there is a lot of pain associated with a break up, relocating, and starting over. But going through all that has brought me out as a stronger and more faithful woman. I feel more assured of myself, who I am, what I desire for my life, and strong enough to keep going with each day. I don't regret a single decision I made in the past year of my life.
I look at where I was last year on my birthday and I know that I had tangible pieces that fit into what I wanted in my life. Looking back, it feels like they were the pieces to someone else's puzzle and I was cheating myself by not making room for the right pieces to my life-puzzle. In my annual birthday reflection, I'm realizing that the pieces in my life at this moment are the right ones. While the picture they're making is an unexpected one, I'm realizing that it suits me, who I am, and what I (and God) desire for my life. Without having all the answers yet, I am happy with the answers God has revealed to me thus far. Life is good.
I'm excited to see what this next year of life brings for me. On every birthday I'm always hopeful that this year of life will be the year that the experiences I dream of and pray for will happen for me. Maybe they will. Maybe not. Either way, I know I'll be ok. And I know that God hears me, God is faithful to me, and God loves me. Regardless of the choices I will make. After the past year, I know that I trust God with those choices more than ever before. That, in itself, is hope enough for me.
My heart is steadfast, O God,
my heart is steadfast!
I will sing and make melody!
For your steadfast love is great to the
heavens,
your faithfulness to the clouds.
~Psalm 57:7 & 10
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