settling for the right thing

It has been a long week. In fact, it's been a long couple of weeks. Maybe a long couple of months. Next week I will not be working at CHOC but will instead be heading up a social skills camp for my old employer in West Hartford. Prior to obtaining my full time job, I had made a summer commitment for this camp and CHOC has allowed me the week off in order to work for the day camp. While there will be things that will be stressful about it (it was my idea and I'm running and planning the whole thing...AH!), I'm glad for the break. I haven't had a real break from the Children's Home since April and sometimes, you just need some time away. I will miss it for sure. I love working there. Even though there are things about working there that I'm still not sure about, one thing I am sure of is that it's where I'm supposed to be. It feels right.

I have lately been thinking a lot about how right my life feels. No, I don't want to live with my parents forever, but it feels like the right place for me to be living. No, I didn't ever want to move back to Connecticut, but it feels like the right place for me to be. No, I didn't exactly envision myself as in charge of discharge planning for Autistic boys, but it's the right job for me. And no, I didn't want to turn 32 as a single woman, but it's exactly the right season of life for me. All these things that if you took it in a different perspective, could be seen as settling for something. But I'm not. I feel settled, but I'm not settling for these things in my life. I'm excited and I'm trusting in God's provision for me and in God's guidance for my life.

On my way home from work today, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the scenery is here. I was driving through New Englandy towns and watching the sun go down over green hills and letting the eastern summer air blow through my windows. Being here feels like it fits me. And I fit being here. For so long I have always lived in places with one foot in and one foot out...always knowing that some day I would probably move on from that place. But now, I don't have that anymore. Now, I can just stay. I can settle a bit.

There are, of course, still things in my life that don't feel settled. I haven't found a church where I truly feel like I fit yet. I have some friends around here, but I have found that it's hard to build friendships like the ones that I already have. It takes time and effort and patience to reconnect with and find those kinds of friends. I know that I will find these things, but it will just take time.

I also have been feeling very settled in being a single woman. In fact, I have even found myself enjoying it a bit. Wow. How's that for unexpected? I went on a date earlier this week (my first 'first date' in over two years) and I found that I could in fact enjoy myself, figure out whether or not I was interested, and then be assertive, genuine, and nice about letting him know that I wasn't interested in more than a friendship. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for going because I usually know right away whether I'm interested in a person or not. I am interested in knowing this person, but there are things about him that I already know would not make a good relationship for me. But, I went, had a good time, and yes, it did stink a little to deflate his ego, but it was ok. I'm ok and he's probably ok too...albeit a little disappointed. For a while I was scared that I would just settle for some guy who liked me because I was too afraid to be lonely for the rest of my life. But I know that is not true. I value myself and my happiness too much to do that. I feel like I'm ready to be in a relationship that opens my heart, is real, and that could be settled. But I know that I won't settle for the wrong thing. At this moment, I'm content to enjoy life as it is and continue to pray that the right guy will be there in God's perfect timing. It is also sufficient to note that for the first time in a long time I don't feel as though God messed up in this area of my life. Instead, I feel peaceful in the reminder that God's timing is perfect, even if it doesn't look the way I thought that it would.

So, I'm settling. I'm settling into my life here in Connecticut, my new job, and my life as a woman in her 30s. I continue to be surprised by how things have continued to work out and develop in my life. I'm excited to experience more. And I know that this is the right place for me.