littlepunkinpie

Check out my sister's new blog and etsy shop!  Isn't she so creative???

daydream believer, reality seeker

The imagination is a powerful thing.  I believe that it can be a wonderful gift given by God to have a vivid and creative imagination.  As a child, I enjoyed this gift creating all sorts of play worlds with my siblings.  I could entirely be existing in a different space and time through my imagination.  It was also wonderful to be completely immersed in a book.  I would be so engrossed with the story I was reading, that I literally would not hear the dinner bell (yes, we used a dinner bell in my family but that is another blog entirely on its own).  My mom would get frustrated with me when I honestly and fervently protested that I had not heard it.  All I had heard were the sounds of the conversations and adventures that the characters were having in the book I was reading.

However, this imagination and innate ability to transport myself to a story or make-believe is turning out to be a struggle for me as an adult.  Of course, it still comes in handy when I need to get away and all I want to do is watch the sunset and think on things.  Or when I'm writing and I can completely see the images in my head before I put them on paper.  And it still comes in handy when I would rather exist in someone else's storybook.  But, I have found that I have begun to rely on my imagination a little bit too much in my day to day and have started to "live" there because I don't know how to cope with what is real.  Not that my life is a horrible mess...not at all!...but just that there are things in my life that continue not to turn out the way that I had hoped.  And to deal with that, I imagine what I hope to happen and then come crashing down when the hopes I've built up in my head are not occurring in my reality.  Disaster.  I've built up my own expectations and hopes only to be let down by...myself.  Needless to say, I need a reality check.

This is easier said than done.  I have always thought things out in my imagination before actually doing them.  I run through all the different options and possibilities and put thought into how I should react and what I should say so that I don't look a fool and shoot from my hip with my mouth.  How do I break a habit that is so thoroughly ingrained in how I live out my life and relationships?  This can also be a good quality as it does help me prepare for things that should be thought out carefully (a therapy session, a presentation at work, a serious relationship talk), but to always try to plan and consider and prepare for all the possible scenarios is exhausting!  And it is even more exhausting to realize that the only person who is letting me down is me.

So while I will always be a daydreamer and will utilize that to it's fullest and hope for the best, I am hoping to work on the skill of recognizing what is reality and accepting it just as that.  I'm tired of tripping myself up.  I'm also tired of taking control of what I think should be instead of trusting in God to provide me with vision and resolve and patience.  I have spent the better half of the past year asking God to teach me how to trust Him in this season of life.  I think that this is one area where I could learn to trust that God will help me with my daily conversation and actions.  I want to trust that no matter what my imagination cooks up, that God will be there to remind me to hope in Him alone and not in my own limited sight of what could or could not be.  I wasn't aware of what I have been asking for and I know that I will be a more full and complete woman in the end.  However, learning to trust that I can rely on God for the best visions for my life is hard.  Even in my daydreams, I know this to be true and that is a reality I can trust.

love is in the details

I always feel most loved when I'm shown in unexpected ways or by ones that pay attention to details.  A note from a friend that says she's praying about the things she knows are on my heart.  Or my mom telling me I'm a beautiful woman first thing in the morning.  Or the time I was surprised to find a whole batch of artfully decorated cupcakes in my room on my birthday.  Or a gift from my sister that she bought because she thought of a joke we have together when she saw it.  These things remind me that I'm loved as is and that people know me and know what I need to feel loved.

Today, I had one of those days where I just felt loved by God in this way.  I did not have the best start to the day.  My work day yesterday was exhausting and I was not looking forward to returning there this morning.  I did not know how I was going to make it through the day.  I prayed for God to help me through it, for peace in my heart, wisdom in how I interacted with others, to remain calm in a crisis, and that I would be able to follow through with everything.  When I arrived at work, I heard that yet another one of my clients had been in crisis the previous evening that took over two hours.  Great.  More paperwork.  More follow up meetings.  Just awesome.

But, I plugged through.  I was able to remain calm and I did not get anxious over all the extra work I needed to do as a result.  Instead, I just did it and I was able to be finished with all the follow up by 2:30, which is when I need to start seeing clients and I no longer have time to do paperwork.  However,  at this time, the weather began to kick in.  I could hear the thunder rolling in for about an hour and it was coming quickly!  Just as I was finishing my last debriefing, the rain started to pour, the wind became ferocious, and the thunder was relentless.  My co-worker and I were astounded at the force of the storm.  The power went out for a minute, and then came back on.  We thought we were in the clear.

I saw the lightening strike and heard the crack at about the same time.  The power went off again as did the fire alarm.  My co-worker and I continue talking (clearly, we work in a facility where crises are no big deal) until there is a knock at my door and someone is saying that it's not a drill, the alarm is real, and we need to get everyone to the school...which means we have to walk outside in the pouring rain and raging storm.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I love a good storm.  It is so exciting to watch the clouds roll in, hear the thunder, and then watch the rain pour down.  And I was excited.  I grabbed my non-verbal client by the arm and said, "Let's go!" and we headed out in the rain together.  We walked all the kids to the school and were able to corral them in the library.  For a group of autistic kids, they did great!  After about half an hour, we were able to walk them back to the residential facility.

At this point, I still had on my schedule three individual therapy sessions and one family session.  One of my sessions was with one of my girls who has struggled to connect with me therapeutically.  I was able to have a great and productive session with her today and build a stronger therapeutic relationship. In the middle of my conversation with her, my supervisor knocks on my door and says that the CEO is sending all non-essential employees home as power and trees are down in many places and that more storms were supposed to roll in.  I finished up my session and made sure it was ok with my last session that I meet with her in the morning instead.  My co-worker canceled our family session and I was out.  It was only 4pm.

So today, I was able to remain calm during the crisis of paperwork and follow up and while walking the kids to the school.  I got to play in the rain a little bit.  I was able to establish a more positive relationship with one of my kids.  AND I got to leave early with permission.  God blessed my day with a change of pace and I was able to spend more time relaxing at home this evening.  Usually, I don't get home until at least 7pm on Wednesdays.  Tonight, I was in jeans and a t-shirt by 4:45.

All in all, it was kind of a crazy day.  But God answered my prayers and allowed me the space to recover that I needed.  The extra few hours off are a blessing to help me gear up to go to work tomorrow.  God knew the exact details I needed to feel loved and cared for by Him.

I believe that God knows right when we need to be loved.  And He knows which details count to remind us that He still loves us and cares for us.  Today, I felt loved in the details.

reflections toward forgiveness

Generally speaking, I tend to be a very reflective person.  I'm a thinker and I like to reflect on what has been, what is, and what I wish things to be.  Sometimes this is a healthy process and it helps me to consider what is going on in my life and figure it all out.  Like I do on this blog.  Although, I have recognized that the longer I have been living in Connecticut, the less I need to reflect here in this space.  I guess I feel as though I have begun to really live again and I have a life here.  I no longer live in Colorado or Chicago and those experiences are their own entity, but they have become a part of my reflections instead of my reality.  Which brings me to the other reason I often reflect...escape from my reality.  On occasion, this can be a good thing.  We all need distractions from our reality once in a while.  I think it helps us to deal with it without stressing us out too much.  But on other occasions, my reflections distract me so much that I lose sight of reality a little bit.

I have been reflecting on my reflections because today I had a realization.  I have been clinging to some past experiences and the emotions those experiences invoked instead of dealing with those emotions and moving on.  I have been angry and hanging on to that anger is not healthy.  I have not forgiven as I thought I had and I don't want to be bitter toward anyone...even if by my own judgment I think that person deserves it.  But I am not the true Judge and it is not up to me to judge another person for their actions.  I am a believer in natural consequences and I believe that everyone must face their own demons and angels at some point.  I say that not to be vindictive, but to say that I have been wrong to hang onto my own feelings of anger and hurt towards another person when it isn't my place to judge.  Especially when wanting this judgment has been a hindrance to my own emotional maturity and growth.  I want to forgive...but it is not easy.

I'm ready to leave it all behind me.  I want to let go so that I can move forward and face life with a clean and open heart instead of hanging onto experiences that create doubt and hurt when those experiences are in the past.  There is enough in my current life to face and look forward to on a daily basis than to spend my energy on being angry.

I have thought about forgiveness before and I have forgiven others and I have been forgiven.  It is a humbling experience all around.  But this one is hard for me.  When you have held onto a hurt for so long, it actually hurts to let it go because that hurt has become like a familiar friend.  It's a comforting and recognized feeling to have.  Even if it is painful.  Letting go is scary.  Even when it's hurt and anger and pain.

I truly believe that we need God entirely to help us forgive each other.  I don't think I could even be considering this without God in my life moving me in a direction that requires me to make room in my heart for something else.  Something better.  Something pure.  Something less painful.  The experiences that caused the hurt for me no longer exist and they are not continuing to occur.  I do not need to hold onto them.  I think reflecting on the lessons learned from those experiences are worth the memory.  But they are no longer my reality and I do not need to be angry any longer.

I'm not quite at forgiveness yet.  But I'm reflecting on it and realizing the necessity of it in order to move forward in my life.  And that's a pretty good start.

...all is well.

Have you ever read a book you didn't want to finish just because the story wasn't writing the way that you had hoped?  I'm reading one of those right now and I'm rather disappointed.  I'm especially disappointed because it is the final book of a four book series by one of my favorite authors, who usually ends her stories just the way that I had been hoping they would end.  The main character relies on their faith to overcome whatever life obstacle had been placed in front of him/her, God has worked the seemingly impossible situation out for good, and of course, the right boy falls in love with the right girl and they end up together.  Sigh.  Bliss.  Life is beautiful and all is well.

But in this case, it does not seem as though the right boy will fall in love with the right girl.  Or, at least, who I deem to be the right boy and the right girl.  This story has been set up for years in several previous books from other series.  Several moments in this particular series have even set up the reader to think that these two people are meant for each other.  That God has been writing their story for ages and now, it's time to see it come to fruition.  Except, that's not what is happening right now.  She fell in love with someone else.  People keep telling him that she wasn't the right girl for him.  She keeps saying she thinks of him as a brother.  He enjoyed a date with someone else.  NO!  Stop it!  I'm too invested to let go of the their young love that was so pure and amazing.  What is going on here?

I'm the kind of person who believes that good love stories take time.  I think that the most romantic stories are the ones where they loved and lost and then found each other again years later after having lived and matured and developed a knowing about life.  Or when he likes her for forever and they're just friends, but then, he meets someone else and she realizes what she could lose...and she almost does lose him.  But then, he realizes it's always been her and runs back to her arms.  The Notebook, Anne of Green Gables, The Time Traveler's Wife...these are the romantic stories I love.  I was really hoping that this was one of those.  But it is just not turning out that way.  Bummer.

Of course, maybe the bigger issue here is that I'm so emotionally invested in characters from a book.  As if we were friends.  Oh well.  Sometimes it helps to get me through the day.  And sometimes I think God uses stories like these to teach me a lesson about something that is relevant in my life.  Like the fact that even if it doesn't all turn out the way that I see it, that He is still the author of my perfect story.

Right now, as I read this love story that's not turning out the way I'd hoped, I'm considering my own love story and the potential that there may be something brewing there.  It has been taking time.  A lot of time.  And there's no guarantee that the time it's taking means that it's actually leading anywhere.  This could just be a drop in the bucket, meant to teach me a lesson and get me to the next place in my life so that I can be ready for my real love story.  I guess I never considered that going through my own time-taking love story could be so frustrating and faith-testing.  Who knows where this will lead?  But, I do know that knowing this person has grown me and taught me so much.  Here are some of the things that knowing him has taught me:

• I can trust in God's assessment of a person and the intuition He's given me to identify when it's a good assessment.
• My silliness, awkwardness, and just the person that I am is attractive...and I really don't have to be anything else.
• There really are unmarried handsome, intelligent, Godly, mature, TALL, athletic, humorous, witty, respectful single men in their 30s still out there.
• I am worth taking the time to get to know and not someone to be swept off her feet with no regard for the condition of her heart.
• I am also worth the honesty it takes to tell a girl his reasons for not pursuing me in the way he would like to...as I watch his face express his own disappointment...instead of disregarding this and sweeping me into something doomed from the start.
• Respect matters to me.  Both that I respect him and that he respect me.
• I'm not alone in the season of life that I'm currently in.
• I can trust God and where He leads my heart.

I know that God has purpose in my meeting this man.  But like the book I have been reading, maybe it isn't going to end the way that I had my heart set on.  Maybe God is leading my heart away and letting go is an ok thing.  Maybe this was just a season of healing to renew and revive a very wounded heart.  Or maybe, it's my own love story, taking the time it needs to make it's way to the permanent pages of my heart.

I know that God always has my best interests at heart and means to do me no harm.  If that is truth, then being with this man at this point in our lives would do both of us harm.  I have to trust in God's vision and the fact that He can see the entire canvass, not just my little corner.  Trusting God like that has been so hard!  I often find myself slipping back into the same fears of rejection, loneliness, and that I don't deserve to be with a man like this.  If he is the man for me, then God will work it out.  And if he isn't, then God will lead the way.  I have to trust in God.  God is continually bringing me to my knees as He works it out.  I have no where else to go.

Regardless, God will work it out.  Even if the characters in this book end up with other people, the author will show how she saw that it was God's best for them.  And everything they went through before brought them to the point where they saw God's leading on their lives and how His vision was so much better than the pieces they could see.  So it will be ok that they moved on from their young love, pure and joyous as it was.  Sometimes God does move us on from good things for better things, even though the moving piece is usually painful.  I just can't wait to find out what God has for me as He writes my love story that I've prayed for since I was a young girl.  He could be writing it right now with this man.  Or He could be writing this chapter of my love story so that I will have an open heart for the man God has for me.  Either way, I believe that God will end my love story the same way.

Sigh.  Bliss.  Life is beautiful and all is well.

intentionally thankful

Happy Easter! I hope you have been celebrating the resurrection of Christ with those you love. Here in Connecticut, we have lovely spring weather to go along with the celebratory feeling of the holiday. Thank you God for sunshine!

As a holiday, I think Easter runs a close second to Christmas for me. Mostly, because of the faith aspect of it all. As much as I love Cadbury Eggs, I love the feeling of church on Easter morning, the hope God brings with spring, and the knowledge that I have been saved through the ultimate sacrifice and miraculous resurrection of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. How can I not feel joyous with that knowledge?

Easter brings to a joyous close the season of lent, a time for pause and reflection that builds up to the death and resurrection of Christ. In the past, I have used that time to give up something in my life to help me rely on the strength and love of Christ instead of drawing on that one thing to help me. I have done the extreme (basically becoming vegan for lent) to something more simple and logical (I gave up purchasing clothes for lent one year). This year, I decided that instead of taking something away, I would add a ritual. For lent this year, I did my best to write in my journal to thank God for one thing and one person that God has blessed my life with. Each day of lent, I thanked God in my journal as I began my day. I wasn't perfect, but I was able to fill each day that I wrote with something and someone different that I was thankful for. It ranged from being thankful for having a job to being thankful for a sunny morning to being thankful for the ability to run. And for each day of lent, I was able to thank God for a different person in my life. I may have repeated a few people once or twice who had specifically blessed my life, but I had someone new to be thankful for on each day of lent. That's a lot of people! God has certainly blessed my life with some amazing relationships and friendships.

I learned a lot from this exercise. First, that I clearly have a lot to be thankful for. I continue to wonder about God's timing in my life and why things are the way they are when I so desire them to be something else. But truthfully, everything in my life is as it should be. I may not understand it all, but God knows what He's doing. I was reminded this lenten season that God has already brought me so far. A year ago, I didn't have a full-time job where I was earning valuable experience in my field...not to mention health insurance and paid holiday time off! A year ago, I hardly had friends in Connecticut and now I often have people to do things with. A year ago, I still wasn't singing in any capacity or a place where I felt comfortable to worship and now I've sung at my church three times and I have a regular rotation on the worship team. I have been so blessed by God's perfect timing in helping these things come to be. In the meantime, I've also had so many wonderful opportunities to build stronger relationships with my family in the area. I'm thankful for living with my parents to have the opportunity to get to know them in a new way and develop a stronger relationship with them. I'm thankful for being able to spend time with my sister on a regular basis and become better friends as adults. I'm thankful for all the ways I get to be an auntie.

During this season, God has also reminded me in many ways that I'm still the same me. I've said it before, but sometimes I feel as though since moving back to Connecticut, I've been trying to regain pieces of my self. Somewhere along the way, I compromised who I am for the happiness of someone else. I also sometimes have difficulty retaining hope in the dreams that make me me when I wonder if they will ever come into being. But, God has created me to be exactly the way that I am and He desires for me to stay strong in that woman and to hang on to those dreams and desires because He created me that way. I've never broken a bone, but I imagine the healing process is pretty painful. I feel as though this scattering of self is like I broke a significant bone in my body. I haven't been able to fully function because I haven't had it's full strength back again. The healing process is painful and is taking longer than I expected, but, it's getting there. And I'm thankful for God's guidance and constant reminders of His love and faithfulness along the way. I'm getting stronger with each day.

There were of course several days when it was difficult to find something to be thankful for. But those were the days when I learned to lean on God and surrender my struggles and questions to Him. It wasn't long before I was thanking Him for holding my hand, allowing me space to cry, and for forgiving me in all my doubts.

My original goal in being intentionally thankful to God was to be happier and more satisfied in my life, regardless of the season I was in and the one I wished I was in. I would say that I accomplished that on many levels and I have been an all around happier person with a more positive perspective on some things I have been negative about in the past. There are still days when I wish I could better relate to my friends who God has blessed with marriages, children, steady careers, houses, and lives that look more glistening to me than my own. But that's just a part of life. And even when I someday move on from this season of life, I'm sure there will be something else a friend or family member is experiencing that I wished I was a part of. I constantly forget to be thankful for exactly what God has given me and instead see the shimmering outside of a friend's life without also seeing the refining that God is doing in their life. And I will constantly be reminded to seek God for reassurance that He is with me in my own journey, regardless of what He is doing in others around me.

But more important than reaching my original goal, I think God really showed up and reminded me of the pureness of His love for me and that He cares deeply for the small things in my life. One theme that has replayed over and over throughout this season of lent is that everything is as it should be. God's timing is perfect and even when, or better yet, especially when life seems to be progressing slowly, God is working at the perfect pace. It doesn't make the waiting easier, but it certainly has reminded me that all is not out of control but that God is working for my good because He loves me...as is, nothing more, nothing less.

I want to end with an excerpt of a devotional a friend recently sent to me from the Streams in the Desert Devotional:

Don't steal tomorrow from God's hands. Give Him time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never late—learn to wait.

He never shows up late; He knows just what is best;
Fret not yourself in vain; until He comes just REST.

Never run impulsively ahead of the Lord. Learn to await His timing—the second, minute, and hour hand must all point to the precise moment for action.

As I am waiting, I continue to look forward to what is next in my life. I want to continue being thankful for all the ways God is present in my life on a daily basis. I continue to need strength to mend what has been broken in my life and the peace to know that it's ok for healing to take so long. God is good and I can be here writing that because of the sacrifice of His only son. Hallelujah!

single roots

Sometimes, someone else can say more eloquently what I would like to say. My favorite Bachelor Recap blog writer posted this on the SingleRoots blog website...which I just discovered when I read this post. There is much truth in what she says.

http://www.singleroots.com/singled-out-for-being-single/

P.S.~Just added this site to my favorites. The knowledge that other people struggle with similar questions, emotions, and reassurance found again and again in a God who loves is soothing and another way God speaks.

I Won't Give Up

I just discovered this new song by Jason Mraz. While he is singing it to his love, I feel like sometimes I need to hear these words from the God who loves me. I flip the words from God's perspective to my own and it' s just what I need to hear. Especially when life feels a little bit hopeless and I'm not strong enough to stand on my own, I just need to know that there's a God who won't give up on me. And neither will I give up on God.

transition out, stability in...it's all a part of the plan

Happy New Year! I'm sad that I missed putting up a Christmas post. I thought about it almost every day for the past month and I had a lot of thoughts I wanted to share. But with the busyness and the excitement of the season, it just didn't happen. So, I'll try to combine my Christmas thoughts with my New Years thoughts and we'll see what happens. Ready, go...

Saying a New Year always has hope in it. 2012. Nothing much has happened in the last 48 hours, so there is a lot of hope that only good things will come with the new year. Every year, I feel that way. Who knows what surprises could be around the bend? Even though I have a more clear idea of what life could look like this year, I feel just as open to possibilities as I did when 2011 was the new year. Of course, a year ago, I was completely a blank slate. Looking back, I am amazed with all God did in my life in 2011. A transitional year for sure, but pretty amazing stuff. A full time job with benefits. New friends. Stronger relationships with my family. A church that surprises me that I want to be a part of, but where there are definite opportunities for growth both internally and externally. A sense of peace in that I actually want to stay living here instead of always feeling like someday I'll move away. Lots of good.

Of course, there were so many struggles in getting to these places. When I first moved back east, I truly thought God would lead me back to an urban setting. I do love living in a city, but I don't feel called to look for opportunities in that setting at this moment. I feel as though I'm right where I should be. Getting that full time job took some time, but God set it all up perfectly and when the right opportunity came along, I just knew that it was what God had for me. Finding friends has been tougher for me, but I have met some amazing women here and I continue to find God's blessings in unexpected friendships. All of this has helped me feel more stable in my life here. I hope that 2012 continues to help me settle and feel peace about the path God has led me on.

When 2011 started, I began most of my days asking God, "What the crap is this? What are you doing with my life?" Nothing seemed to be right and there didn't seem to be an outlined plan to anything. As Christians, we always seemed to be talking about "God's plan" and there just didn't seem to be one. Honestly, some days I still feel like this. There are several ways that I have seen a plan in my life...imprints on the greater blueprint that began to make sense. But there are still some on my particular blueprint where it's difficult to always see why God would put a wall in the middle of a room...or something else that makes no sense at the initial glance. I know that there's purpose somewhere in that wall, but I can't see it yet. And it's difficult to keep trusting in the overall plan instead of always focusing in on the one wall that seems really out of place.

A week before Christmas, the sermon at church gave sort of a mini-lecture on the astronomy that surrounded the time period of Christ's birth, what may have been the star of Bethlehem, and how we can figure out exactly when Christ was born. It was a fascinating sermon and I learned a lot about the stars. I usually find sermons like that interesting where some obscure texts in the Bible can possibly be explained. In this case, it was text from Revelation 12 connected to the pattern in the stars surrounding Christ's birth. Whether this is the correct interpretation or not, I'm not sure, but this interpretation seemed to make sense. The pastor's point was that God even arranged the stars to tell the good news of Christ's birth. That it was no mistake that the sky told the same story of what was happening on earth. That it was no mistake that Mary and Joseph fled to Egypt, the same place that the Israelites had been led out of all those years ago. That nothing about the birth of Christ was accidental. It was all in the plan.

I really took comfort in this as very often this year, I have felt like my life is not a part of any plan. That God had forgotten about me and was just letting my life go, building walls and staircases whichever way he pleased, just because he could. After this sermon, I have thought to myself several times how often Mary must have felt like I do. How many times did she feel like saying, "What the crap God? I'm only 13, I've never had sex, and I'm pregnant! What the crap is that about?" Or, "What on earth? This is Your son and we have to flee to Egypt of all places? What are You doing here? What is Your plan?" Of course, maybe Mary had more faith than I do and never thought those things or felt like saying them, but if I were her, I probably would. And in hindsight, of course I can see God's plan in Mary's life and how important it was that everything happen just the way that it should. All the walls and staircases in her blueprints had purpose and Mary hung pictures and painted without question. Somewhere she was able to hold onto faith that it was all a part of God's plan.

This year, that is what I would like to do. I'm such a woman of questions and I'm no different when it comes to my relationship with God. But this year, I want to have more faith that no matter what happens, it's all a part of the plan. Someday, I'll see that the wall had purpose. Maybe God builds walls so that he can design the room behind it without me peeking and ruining the surprise before he's ready to remove the wall and join two rooms. Or maybe that staircase to seemingly nowhere leads to the most amazing attic I've ever seen. As I'm walking through my "house"' I can only see each room and each stair as it is now. But God, my God, sees the whole blueprint and knows exactly what I need. I pray that my faith in 2012 will grow as I trust God with His plan for me.