taboo

With the recent very public suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, I've been thinking more about why the topic of mental health still seems so taboo in our culture.  For me, as a licensed professional counselor, mental health is a daily conversation with my professional peers and co-workers.  I hear words like safety plan, protective factors, positive supports, mindfulness, self-care, coping skills, anxiety, panic, depression, self harm, behavior plan, and several others on a regular basis.  I have no problem talking about what is needed to best help my clients and assessing their mental health.

However, when it comes to our own mental health, it becomes more difficult.  Even being a mental health professional, talking about my own hurts and struggles can be a difficult thing.  It's an ugly side that feels much too vulnerable to share with the world at large.  Even when I share with those in my close circle, I feel so exposed and I worry that I'm placing too much emotional strain on the people I care about.  So I hesitate to share.  I hesitate to talk about what my feelings truly are when I most need the support.  I pause to reach out to family and friends that have loved me for my lifespan, even though they have proven time and again that they are reliable, trustworthy, loving and forgiving when I have been at my nastiest and ugliest emotional depths.

I have these positive supports in my life and I know I can count on them.  And still, reaching out when I need it is tough.  I get it.  I understand why a person might choose to end their life instead of continuing to feel at their ugliest and most painful points.  Depression is deep and dark and unpredictable.  Anxiety is quick and sharp and overwhelming.  If you have felt these things time and again and feel as though you have done what you can and you still feel them so intensely, I can empathize with why it is hard to move forward.  If you have never felt this way, it may be tough to understand when someone you love is going through it.  Depression or anxiety is not a physical illness that you can see in an x-ray like cancer.  But they are a cancer.  You get treatment for a while at a certain intensity, then you get better, so you scale back on your treatments.  You go into remission and life goes on and you feel better and you remember why you love life.  But then, when you least expect it, a trigger hits and the life-stealer is back.  The cancer has returned.  And when it returns, sometimes it's more intense and sometimes its less.  Sometimes it lasts longer, sometimes shorter.  Unpredictable.  Overwhelming.  And it feels discouraging.  If Kate and Anthony dealt with these feelings over and over with no end in sight, I can understand why suicide may have felt like a valid way out.  Mental health symptoms might not be seen like cancer can, but they kill all the same.

Please talk about it.  If you are experiencing one of these things, please reach out when the weight of sadness gets to be too much or the fire of worry overtakes your thoughts.  Use resources like the suicide hotline, 211, and mental health supports.  If you know someone in your life who is experiencing these emotions, please let them know they can be vulnerable with you.  Reach out to those in your life who have struggled with this before and let them know they are loved and have value.  You may not know when a loved one is struggling and sometimes that kind word, text message, or hug can occur at exactly the right moment before you even knew that it was needed.

If you don't know what else to do, the best thing is to just be present with someone who is struggling. One of my favorite examples of this can be found in the Bible in the book of Job.  If you don't know the story, the short version is that Job was brought through significant emotional, physical, and mental pain and loss.  Right after all of this occurs, three of Job's closest friends come to visit him.  When they see him, they openly grieve their friend's losses.  And then they sit with him.  For seven days.  Without speaking a word.  To me, that is beautiful support and validation.  You don't have to fix it or know what to say.  Just be there and let your loved one know that you'll be there when the feelings change again to help them pick up the pieces and move forward.

And when they are ready to talk about it with you, they will know that for you, it's not taboo and hopefully, another life can be saved.

The Weight of Sadness
If you have ever known the weight of sadness
you know it feels like a stone tied to your heart
pulling your emotions down into dark waters.
You try to loosen the knotted rope,
but it doesn't give.
You try with all your might to loosen the stone,
but it just sits.
You ask for help from a trusted few,
but sometimes all they can do
is sit next to you
in the dark.
~EES