The weird thing about moving back home is...

...bumping into people from high school or from neighboring high schools that you kinda knew or that know people you know. Don't get me wrong. This isn't a bad weird thing. Just a weird thing. Mostly because I haven't lived in Connecticut for around 13 years! Every other place I've lived in since graduating high school has practically no connection to my hometown. Although, when living in Colorado, I ran into a girl from my high school class while I was working at Banana Republic. Twice. It wasn't a "Don't I know you?" moment either. It was a "Omigosh, we had classes together but weren't ever really close friends but I know you well enough that it would be rude not to say hello and shoot the breeze, so Hey, howareya?" moment. Also, not a bad thing, just kind of an awkward moment. Especially when it's been over ten years since graduation and my current profession was part-time retail/full-time grad student. Nice.

Anyway, back to being home, I guess I just feel that it's weird now because it could legitimately happen at any time. Today, I was at a conference down in Hamden, CT for my after-school job and I ended up in a group project with a guy who recognized me from high school. I didn't recognize him, but he was three classes behind me. Turns out, he hung out with my high school boyfriend's family a lot in high school. I hadn't thought about those years of my life in a really long time. It felt so weird to be recognized from a time period in my life that I rarely think about, but I had clearly made some sort of impression. I'm used to running into people from college. North Parkers are everywhere! And usually, if I run into them, we both know each other from a more recent period of time. But I feel like when you see someone from your past, the only context you know is the one that you knew them in from yesteryear. So for the first time since graduating high school, I'm remembering who I was in high school. It's a lot less about the running into people (awkward or not) and more about re-figuring myself out.

My last romantic relationship changed my perspective on who I saw myself as. And not in a good way. I had dinner with one of my very best sister-friends this past week and it really hit me how falsely my ex had seen who I was when I saw her reaction to some of the things I allowed him to convinced me of. In fact, as I type, the Bruno Mars song "Just the Way You Are" has begun to play on my Pandora radio station. This song is exactly opposite of how I felt with my ex. It really doesn't matter whether he actually thought I needed to change or not. The point is that for the majority of our relationship, I didn't feel as though the person I am was ever good enough for him. Or maybe it was more that he was somehow convinced that who I actually was wasn't actually me. Either way, this song awakes an ache in me because I never heard these words from him. So somewhere in my unconscious awareness of myself I began to see myself as who he saw me and not as who I truly was. I don't think this was intentional on his part or on mine. I truly think he loved me the best that he could. Putting me into his own little box was possibly the only way he could deal with whatever insecurities I apparently brought out in him. And I thought being in that box was loving him. But it wasn't loving him. More importantly, it wasn't loving myself.

So now, I'm reprocessing who I am. I'm reprogramming myself and hoping to find those pieces of my self that got lost in the midst of that relationship. Of course, I'm still me. I'm still the same girl who dances her heart out in her room, sings at the top of her lungs in the car, and is fascinated by Paris and the French culture. It's just that post this relationship, I'm re-realizing that these quirks are positive attributes and part of the reason why my friends and family love me. They aren't just qualities to "accept" about me. They are qualities to love about me because I love these things about me.

I find it interesting that just as that relationship ended, I was packing up to move back home. To my family, my roots, and where I went through many of those life-changing events that helped shaped me as a person. And also to where people know me as the girl I was at seventeen and not as the woman I am at thirty-one. I am suddenly amazed at how perfectly God has coordinated this healing and transitional stage of life. Because it is weird to be reminded of my childhood in so many concrete ways when it is least expected. But also kind of amazing, soul soothing, and self asserting. It's weird, but I like it.

The Bachelor: And the final rose goes to...

EMILY!!!! Wow, this is the first season that I called the last girl standing from the very first episode before even seeing how the women interacted with Brad. Of course, I think it became obvious that Emily was one of the most mature women on the show pretty quickly. Also, as I mentioned in last week's post, I think it was obvious that Brad had very strong feelings for her and was more concerned about her feelings than any of the other women's feelings. There was no deliberation at the end of this one...Brad was 100% sure. Honestly, I think it just goes to show that often, it's all about connection and how strongly you feel about a person. Brad and Emily connected and had strong feelings for each other. I think Jason and Molly prove the same thing...Jason connected with Melissa as well but at the end of the day, his feelings for Molly were stronger so he chose to pursue her instead. In fact, he risked quite a bit of personal criticism to make the right choice for him and follow his heart. Obviously, it's working for them.

I know there is much that happened on the actual final show that I could comment about, but I really want to focus on the After the Final Rose Special. If you watched it, it seemed like Emily and Brad are moving in the direction of most Bachelor/ette couples...break up. However, I think what they're going through is just normal...with the added stress of publicity and throw in the opinions of the public and in-studio audience (could you gasp any louder?). They really did seem to fall in love on the show and Brad feels so strongly for Emily that he really does seem to be willing to do whatever it takes to work through it and make it to the alter. That's great! And really, I think this is why most of these couples fall apart. Fame gets to them and they forget to make it about just themselves...instead it becomes about everyone else.

Earlier, I said that it's about connection and strength of emotion involved. I truly believe that's true. My own experience in relationships tells me that's true. My own experience also tells me that at some point, you have to make a choice. I don't think that you can just choose someone and therefore it will work...I had one boyfriend who believed that but couldn't do what it took to connect with me. It didn't work because the initial connection we made couldn't be sustained by my work alone...it takes two. Back to Brad and Emily...they are at the work and choosing part of their relationship. They love each other and their connection is strong, we see that. But in order to move forward, they both have to choose to continue to work at that connection to keep it strong.

I know it sounds easier than it is and I know that in some relationships you don't have to work as hard to stay connected as in others. But my point is that I think what we, the national public, saw on After the Final Rose is the piece of Brad and Emily's relationship that takes some work. It's normal, we all go through it at some point. Because I like Emily and it seems that she deserves the best, I hope it works for them.

Well, I hope you enjoyed reading my thoughts about this season of The Bachelor. Ashley H. is the next Bachelorette and maybe I'll have something to say about her, but we'll see. Until then, enjoy the coming of spring and summer roses...hooray for warmer weather!

Coming Out Covenant

Hello friends. You may have realized that I recently added another website under my "faves" list to the right of this blog. The website is "Coming Out Covenant" and it is a blog written solely for the purpose of opening the discussion of the inclusion of gay and lesbian peoples in the church, specifically in the Covenant denomination. Here is a little background...

I am a member of the Evangelical Covenant Church. It is a relatively small denomination compared to others, but we have a voice in much of North America and in several countries around the world. I began attending a Covenant church when I was 6 years old, after my family moved to Connecticut. I was raised there, came to Christ there, confirmed there, and made some of the longest lasting and deepest friendships of my life there. I attended North Park University, the Covenant denomination's liberal arts school, and I attended and worked at Pilgrim Pines, one of many Covenant summer camps. I admire the Evangelical Covenant for their willingness to discuss issues more than other denominations. I am grateful for the role the Covenant church has played, and will continue to play in my life.

This past January, a friend of mine from the Covenant church I grew up in, along with my former pastor and other supporters, started this blog. My friend is gay and also a pastor and member of the Evangelical Covenant Church. I have always known him to be a man of faith and a man who actively pursues God in his life. He is someone that I respect and admire for so many reasons. I care about him and his family and what they go through, matters to me. I am so proud of him for being who he is, with no apologies.

I had heard of this blog when it first started, but hadn't gotten around to reading it until this past week. Once I started reading the stories, I couldn't stop. I read every single entry in one sitting. I have very few Christian gay friends that I am close with; that I know of. I cannot claim to understand what it must be like to know that you are a true follower of Christ but those who are your spiritual supporters do not accept all of who you are. I don't understand that from experience. But I think that anyone can understand the feeling of being alone. And this is what I have been reading. How alone they have felt in the one place where they shouldn't be alone.

I want to support my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters so that they do not feel alone. I want to begin the discussion among all my Christian friends in some way because it is important. I have seen so many Christian people in my experiences in Christian settings gloss over the issue or speak of it with disdain or say "hate the sin and love the sinner." Heck, I have even said that before. Personally, I have struggled with the idea of homosexuality as a sin for a long time. Like many others, I had been brought up in the church to believe that being attracted to same sex lovers was bad, sinful, and "good Christians" aren't that way. But in the past 5 or 6 years, I have begun to believe otherwise. I have met people who are gay or lesbian and I have heard their stories. I watched a good friend of mine deal with rejection from others because her brother was gay and a Christian. And I hurt for them. I hurt that they have been rejected when they should have been accepted. The best I feel I can do is show my support and spread the word. Because talking about it is important.

Regardless of what you believe, whether you are a Christian or not, I encourage you to read this blog. I would love for my non-Christian gay friends to see this blog to know that God does not reject them. Neither do I. And neither do several other Christians out there. You are not alone.

The Bachelor: Women Tell All

And tell all they did...although, these were some mean and insensitive women I must say. It's funny how the show can show people in such a different light. I think I even changed my opinion of Michelle!

Before diving into the women, I would like to say that Brad seemed very relaxed and satisfied with his decision. Hopefully that's because he picked someone with maturity and a softness to her...ahem, Emily. I like Chantal, but I just don't see it lasting. Emily has maturity years beyond her actual age and it shows. Also, at the end, when they were recapping his relationship with each girl, Brad made a comment about how he feels about marriage and each girl. With Chantal, he said that he could see himself marrying her. With Emily he said that he wanted to marry her. Well, we all know that most people do (or strive to do) what they want. I can't wait for next week to see whether my hunch is right!

Now for the women...I must say, I was disappointed in several of them. Jackie seemed much more aggressive than I had originally thought she was. She must have really been hurt by Michelle to react like that, but also, she was VERY opinionated. Stacey hit a new low on the show and blatantly questioned Michelle's mothering skills and THEN denied it. I didn't buy it that she was so ignorant that her comment didn't insult Michelle as a mother. It clearly did and she clearly meant it. My mother taught me that if you can't say anything nice, then don't say it at all. I have nothing more to say about that...

The Melissa vs. Raichel thing always seemed very adolescent to me so I was disappointed they discussed that again. Melissa did apologize on national TV to all the women and to Raichel so it seemed that she learned from the situation. Raichel, not so much. It was disappointing to me to see a grown women hold a grudge like that. Since they obviously won't be friends, then what difference does it make to swallow your pride and apologize. I just don't get it. If I wasn't already glad to have such wonderful girl friends in my life who aren't catty like this, then I wasespecially grateful after seeing this exchange. Thank you dear friends!

I was glad to see that Ashley H. and Ashley S. have grown since their time on the show. Both girls were classy and were honest about their experience. Not much to say there except that it's clear that the more mature women were kept on the show longer. Brad has that going for him at least!

Finally, there was Michelle. I honestly think that I've changed my opinion about her. Of course, if my previous narcissistic diagnosis had been true, then this could be seen as Michelle using her emotions to get what she wanted. In this case, public attention. But I honestly don't think that was the case. Michelle seemed honestly shocked and hurt that she had hurt others. I thought that she cried genuine tears over the hurt that she had caused in others and the fact that she hadn't intended to do that. It also seemed to me that the women who knew Michelle the best thought that her commentary was hilarious and hadn't taken offense to anything Michelle said at all. All that to say, I truly felt badly for Michelle and would now like to go back and re-watch her commentary for the humor in it. Of course, we the viewers didn't know anything about Michelle besides what we were shown so immediately we think that Michelle is self-centered and mean. But it seems that she is just super sarcastic. Who knew! One final thing, I saw a lot of maturity in Michelle when she apologized publicly, called Stacey out in a classy way, said that she thought Emily would be a good fit for Brad, and admitted to Brad that she thought he was right when he said that they were too much alike. Go Michelle!!!

Well, that's it for now. I cannot WAIT to see what happens next week! I truly hope that I will not be disappointed...

The Bachelor, week 8/9

For the record, I do realize that I am the worst Bachelor blogger EVER! Not only have I been late putting up my Bachelor response for the past three weeks, but I also completely MISSED last week. I have decided that becoming a regular Bachelor blogger is not my thing and that I am going to leave it to others out there. However, I will probably blog on my observations every once in a while because it's just plain fun!

I also have nothing further to say about my mental health observations about the girls. I've said my piece about Chantal and Emily is rock solid. My pick since day one! Brad, on the other hand, needs to step up and handle the pressure. I wonder if it's not about his commitment issues or his father or anything other than he can't handle the pressure. Sure, he's holding it together, but I'm not sure he is capable of making this decision wisely. Maybe that's what it was last time...too much pressure to pick one so he picked none. Honestly, he seems a bit immature for Emily (despite the fact that he's 14 years her senior!). She is always up front about the reality of life with a five year old and letting him in on what life would be like. And yet, he still doesn't seem to get it. He has little nieces and nephews from what I remember, but I don't think he totally comprehends insta fatherhood. But, he seems to like Emily the best and is therefore trying. Hats off for effort!

With Chantal, Brad seems to be infatuated with her infatuation. Let's face it...it feels good to be liked! Even when you're not interested in someone, it always feels nice to know that you've been noticed and that you invoke good feelings in them. Chantal and Brad seem to be a good match, but Brad does not seem as into her total package as he is about Emily...excluding his naivete about lil' Ricki Tik. He obviously thinks she's hot, but he doesn't tell her more than he should like he does with Emily. With Emily, he's assured the whole way, from wine picnics outside to three one-on-ones on a group date to giving away more information than he should have. I'm not always the best at picking the woman who gets the final rose, so I'm just making some observations.

Sooo...how does he decide between America's Sweetheart and The Girl Whose Slap was Heard Round the World? Can he handle the pressure? There seem to be equal reasons to stay with each one (and abc may have edited all the actual reasons he's choosing the way he is), but what does Brad want? Maybe he just doesn't know. Maybe he never will know. Either way, the world will know what happens in two short weeks from now. I don't know about you, but I'm excited.

Oh, and I'm excited for Girls Tell All next week. I can't wait to see our resident narcissist back in action....Yay!