But here's the funny thing about hope. When I feel hopeful, I think I am always waiting for the moment when I'm let down again and I slide back into hopelessness again. For the past few months, I have swung between the extremes of having hope and not having any. I can't seem to find a happy medium. And it's taking a toll on my soul. How can a woman hope for the best all the time when it's so hard to see that what she's hoping for is actually feasible?
Maybe it's my patience that needs a readjustment instead of my tendency to hope and constantly be let down by that hope. Patience is a virtue. Or so I'm told. I think I'm learning that it actually is. I pray for patience every day. I pray for a change of heart so that I won't long for things in my life that aren't yet so much. I want to appreciate what is right now and enjoy the blessings of this season. So why is it so hard to stop hoping for something that isn't?
I hope for the kids I work with. I hope for positive confirmation in my career. I hope for financial stability. I hope for the ability to afford to support myself again. I hope to fall in love again someday. I hope, I hope, I hope...
Waiting for the results is hard. Having patience is hard. Continually working to remain hopeful is hard. But I would rather think that all that I hope for is attainable and that today is just one day. Maybe today my hope was let down a bit and I feel a little hopeless and tired of being patient. But there's always tomorrow. A fresh day with no spots on it. And that's hope.
For me, it has been the conscious decision to lay down my right to _______. This is a fairly recent conclusion I've come to and I still struggle with it. You and I have talked about the different things we're hoping for and I'm okay with other people reading my comments so I'm going to be very frank.
ReplyDeleteA couple months back, after two unsuccessful artificial insemination attempts, it hit me that I had to lay down my right to have children. I know God is good, loving, and has specifically promised us a daughter. However, I was heading into a tail spin of doubt and despair. Every time a friend or co-worker would announce that they were pregnant or that they had their baby (which was happening a lot right then) I would just cry and get resentful. With this realization of laying down my right to have children came a peace that passed all my understanding. I still pray for children. I still know and believe that I am promised a daughter. Yet realizing that I don't have a right to have children has brought me the understanding that those children (or child) are God's, not mine, but that I will be entrusted with their care for a while.
Love you Erin,
Jazz
Thanks for sharing Jazz. It is helpful to know that while they may be different things, others are hoping and wishing and praying and working through their own desires. I know exactly what you mean. I will be praying for you too.
ReplyDelete