waiting

Waiting is the hardest thing. When I'm waiting for something to happen (it could be anything really), I feel like I should expect to find something great in my life at the end of the waiting. My faith in God keeps this optimistic perspective alive for me. My God is a great God who desires for His people to be happy. It doesn't mean that we always are, happy that is, but I do believe in a good God who desires for His people to find joy amidst the other difficulties of life. Psalm 37:4 & 5 says to "Delight yourselves in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will act." I firmly believe this.

I think the struggle comes in the timing of it all. The waiting for God to act. If it were up to me, I would only need to wait for a short period of time. But it's not up to me. This morning I had a moment of frustration with God. I have been waiting for some time for something, anything, to happen in my life relationally. There is a specific someone I'm waiting to find out about (which I'm not ready to talk about yet), but there is also a general waiting here too. Most days, I do fine. My heart is finally open to possibilities again and it feels good. It feels wonderful to feel ready to trust a man with my heart again. And yet, I don't need a man in my life to be happy. I know that I'll still find happiness and joy in my life and I have people who love me in my life. My life is full and I'm very blessed. I don't just say that to assure myself either...it's really true. God has been so good to me with the people he's brought into my life.

But...

I was not created to live life alone. This I am sure of. I am a relational person and I thrive at relating to people. For a long time I was convinced that I would live my life alone. There still isn't any guarantee that I won't, but lately I have been more optimistic in this area of my life and God has been opening my eyes to truth. Truth is that I am deserving of romance in my life. Truth is I'm not too old. Truth is I don't have to be anyone but me to be loved. Truth is even my most annoying traits are worthy of love. Truth is that I deserve respect from a man. Truth is that God can bring anyone into my life at any time...with or without warning.

At the end of the day, I am glad that God has this in his hands. I do believe good things can come to those who wait. I do believe that the best love stories take time. And I especially believe that God is the master story teller who gets excited about a good love story. I think God delights in setting up his sons and his daughters and seeing how we find joy in our own love stories. Can't you see it? God says to his angels, "Hey, what about Noah for Allie? She's a little impulsive, but his quiet confidence will bring balance to their relationship. Can you set that up? I have a great idea for a love story that suits them." Or God says, "Wow. Those two would really make a great pair. But they need some time and he hasn't really noticed her yet, although I think she has an idea that he would be great for her. Let's write an amazing story for them and see what they think about it." I can just see it now. God is gazing at me with a thoughtful look on his face saying, "Just wait until you see what I have for you, my daughter. Just you wait..."

the real ruby slippers...

Because I now work a grown-up job that requires me to accrue vacation time, I have been unable to plan a true vacation this summer. So, I decided to take a weekend trip to see my good friend Alicia in Washington DC. I had a wonderful time! Between all the sight-seeing, cupcake eating, and play watching, it was wonderful to spend time with a close friend and just relax. For Sunday, Alicia suggested that we hit up some of the museums. When she told me that the museum of American History housed the actual ruby slippers from the 1939 Wizard of Oz movie, I was sold. We were going and the ruby slippers were first on our list of things to see. As you can tell from the picture, I was pretty excited.

If you've been reading this blog, you know that The Wizard of Oz has a special place in my heart. I thought it was appropriate that I get to see the actual shoes used from the film during this stage of my life. When I started writing this blog, I felt as though I had just clicked my heels three times, whispered "there's no place like home", and ended up back in my own backyard. I thought that when I moved back home, it would be temporary and soon enough, I would be back out again on some adventure. But like Dorothy, I think that everything I have truly been looking for could exist right in my own backyard. Sure, there are still days when I miss the mountains of Colorado or my favorite restaurants in Chicago. And yes, I still don't have answers to some of the things I have been praying for, but I have been feeling more at peace about those prayers. I have been learning how to trust God more and my faith in Him has grown infinitely over the past nine months. I have been finding myself again and discovering who I am as an individual. I am remembering that I like who I am. I think I forgot that when I was in my last relationship. I was trying so hard to fit into the conditions of the person I was with, that I forgot who I was. I don't like that I did that, but now I have the freedom to take it back. I like me. I like the qualities God has given me and I know that He has good purpose for me as is.

The more time that passes since last November, the more sure I am that I made the right decision in moving back to Connecticut. I have more confidence in the direction God is leading me, even though it doesn't always seem to make a lot of sense. I often feel confused over what I'm doing at my new job, but each day is a challenge and each day I learn a little bit more. I'm excited to see what else God might have in store for me now that I've returned to my own backyard. Although, I would like to have my own pair of ruby slippers. Just because they're pretty...

the funny thing about hope

I have been thinking about hope lately. When I have it, I find that I feel happier and my heart feels lighter. I am more apt to praise God without effort and I can see how His faithfulness has seeped into every area of my life. When I have no hope, the opposite of all this is true. Life seems dark. God feels far away. Nothing seems like it will ever change. Hopeless.

But here's the funny thing about hope. When I feel hopeful, I think I am always waiting for the moment when I'm let down again and I slide back into hopelessness again. For the past few months, I have swung between the extremes of having hope and not having any. I can't seem to find a happy medium. And it's taking a toll on my soul. How can a woman hope for the best all the time when it's so hard to see that what she's hoping for is actually feasible?

Maybe it's my patience that needs a readjustment instead of my tendency to hope and constantly be let down by that hope. Patience is a virtue. Or so I'm told. I think I'm learning that it actually is. I pray for patience every day. I pray for a change of heart so that I won't long for things in my life that aren't yet so much. I want to appreciate what is right now and enjoy the blessings of this season. So why is it so hard to stop hoping for something that isn't?

I hope for the kids I work with. I hope for positive confirmation in my career. I hope for financial stability. I hope for the ability to afford to support myself again. I hope to fall in love again someday. I hope, I hope, I hope...

Waiting for the results is hard. Having patience is hard. Continually working to remain hopeful is hard. But I would rather think that all that I hope for is attainable and that today is just one day. Maybe today my hope was let down a bit and I feel a little hopeless and tired of being patient. But there's always tomorrow. A fresh day with no spots on it. And that's hope.