just what i needed to hear...

I have been feeling so alone lately and wondering what it is that God is up to in my life. I feel as though I have been called to be the places I am and do the things I am doing, but still, it's not the bigger picture. I'm still missing the bigger things that I'm waiting for and I'm tired of going it alone. But the truth is, I'm not alone. A wise woman once told me that God doesn't lead us places just to drop us off and leave us there. I know this to be true, but it is often so hard to feel it. So, this blog from the Stuff Christians Like website was just what I needed to hear. I love how God reminds us of His greatness just when we need to hear it...not before or after, but just at the perfect time. Gives me hope that all this in between stuff is His perfect plan too...even if it doesn't always feel that way...

http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/2011/02/4453/

The Bachelor, Week 7

Ding dong, the witch is gone! It has finally happened...Michelle has left the building. I do have to say that now there will be less entertainment on the show without her around. Of course, now is the time when we get down to business. We are past the "crush" stage and well into "crazy" for all involved. Of course, when the guy likes you back, there is a lot less of the crazy stage, so maybe we are in the "new relationship" stage. Either way, now we meet the families!

Besides Michelle leaving (who clearly was not about to share her emotions on national television...did you see the eye blinking in the limo?), Britt also left this week. Britt used to be a gymnast, but she looked much too tiny for that. I don't want to imply that Britt actually has an eating disorder in this blog. I take that very seriously and I wouldn't ever want to make an assumption about her eating habits. Some people are just little! But, if she was leaning toward anorexic tendencies, the DSM IV says to look for a refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for age and height, intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat regardless of actual weight, disturbance in the way which one's body weight or shape is experienced/denial of seriousness of low body weight, and the possible absence of at least three menstrual cycles. As you can see, extreme skinniness is just one sign of a possible eating disorder and there are several other factors involved that depend on the mental state of the person. I do not have enough, or any, information to say that Britt has an eating disorder of any sort, just that for the purpose of this blog entry, her small figure lends way to one diagnosis to discuss.

On the "group date from hell" (so dubbed on the show), the crazy was definitely coming out! I truly believe that much of Ashley and Chantal's attachment to Brad comes from their desire to deeply connect with a male figure in their lives. Of course, I also see a little bit of myself in Chantal as she cries almost every episode. If it were me on the show, I would probably do the same. Although, most people who know me know that I cry at Cheerios commercials so maybe I wouldn't place too much weight on that comparison. I also would like to take into consideration that it's not normal to have deep feelings for a person and be in a situation where you MUST be ok with him seeing two other people simultaneously with you on a date. Not normal in the LEAST! So I give these girls credit for airing their "crazy" stage on national television in such extenuating circumstances.

Finally, I want to apologize for yet again posting this blog so late after the airing of week 7. I have a much deeper appreciation for people who can fit in longer blogs about the show on a weekly basis. Props to you! Until next week after family fun...

The Bachelor, Week 6

To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what to say about this past weeks episode. First of all, it has been the craziest two weeks with a bunch of training for one job and some student drama at another. I've made it through all right, but wow am I ready for the weekend! I didn't even get to watch The Bachelor until very late on Tuesday night. While I thoroughly enjoyed the episode, the content was just lacking. Except for Michelle's antics of course. Her narcissism was in full swing Monday night. At least she makes the show interesting.

I am significantly beginning to wonder about Brad, the man of the hour. I think it's amazing how he is still keeping Michelle around. She caused way more drama than Jackie did last week! But he sees something in her so we get more entertainment. I am already embarrassed for her for next week based solely on the previews of her photo shoot on the beach with Brad. Maybe it's the whole vampire craze thing, but I keep picturing her looking up from kissing him on the beach with fangs and blood dripping down her chin screaming, "He's Mine!" to the other girls standing by. Maybe Maddison left her fangs and Michelle finally found a use for them after secretly storing them away in her purse the past three weeks.

Glad he let Alli go. My mom and I called her "face" because she always made the worst faces while on camera. Pretty girl, for sure, but her face was kind of elastic, stretching in ways you weren't expecting. The camera always seemed to catch it. Alli did have a very entertaining case of entomophobia that could certainly use some aversion therapy or some cognitive conditioning. I have never used either of those in a therapy session, but it would be interesting. I suppose if I were to use aversion therapy with Alli, I would have to wear protective gear. She hurled that glass of coke at Chantal something fierce! But at least if I were able to get her down to being with a bug in the same room, we could save Brad from screaming interruptions while speaking with Michelle. Michelle would love that too so all Brad's attention was only on her with no interruptions, or else she might get mad. Oh, wait, Michelle is always mad. It's her way of flirting.

Well, it's late, it's been a long week, and my brain is dead tired...I know this because I just mistyped 'dead' as 'ded'...nice. Have a wonderful weekend everyone and I promise to be more analytical and insightful next week in Anguilla! Oh, the places we go...

my own carrie bradshaw complex

It took me a while to get into watching Sex and the City back in the day. But one day, a friend suggested the show to me so I rented a few dvds...and I was hooked. For a while, I would just watch a show or two here and there. And then, it became an obsession. I clearly remember one night where Beth and I got into our car and drove to at least three different video stores looking for the next dvd in the series because we couldn't wait to see what happened next. It was the best night ever...seriously. Mostly because we did finally find it and were able to satiate our desire to find out what would happen between Carrie and Mr. Big.

My love for this show has nothing to do with the actual lifestyles that the women live...or rather, the choices that they make. What I do love is that regardless of how they live their lives, the women characters are relatable. I haven't consistently watched the show in a few years, but I have a newfound desire to watch it from the beginning as I am now in the same age bracket as the women portrayed in the series. I love how they find joy in their friendships and in experiencing life in their city. I love how they still encourage each other through the ups and downs of relationships without judgement. And of course, I love how they each have their own sense of style and wear it with confidence. Carrie in particular, is in love with shoes. Throughout the series, she is almost always buying shoes, imagining herself in new shoes, or scrounging up money to find a way to pay for shoes. While I'm not quite that obsessive, I have come to terms with the fact that no matter how un-materialistic of a person I am in general, that I love new clothes and new shoes in much the same manner.

Having been a broke grad student and then a broke unemployed adult with a masters degree, I haven't been able to spend money updating my own wardrobe. Of course, I have had a part-time job at J.Crew for the past 2 1/2 years so I have been able to occasionally purchase something with my discount. Being without money has been a good lesson for me to learn how to budget and spend money on clothes wisely. In fact, I have taken up "fantasy shopping" in which I shop online and even go as far as to put things I want in my "shopping bag" before exiting the site and never truly purchasing anything. It helps, really! You should try it if you find yourself impulsively always wanting to update your closet.

This June, my brother is getting married. His fiancee has asked both my sister and I to be bridesmaids in the wedding. I am very excited and honored to stand up in their wedding and celebrate their marriage. I am also very excited because this means I get to wear a pretty dress AND buy a new pair of shoes. Since I am on a budget, I will probably not buy my first pair of Jimmy Choos. But, I did browse the DSW website to see what I could find in designer-esque fashion. Since many of my friends that I would usually shop with live far away, I'm going to share my thoughts here and then you can comment and give suggestions/opinions. It'll be like we're shopping together. :-)

These I love. I think it's the wide straps and the slight platform that really make the shoe for me. It's classy and would go with the dress, but still a bit trendy as well. The shoes have to be silver, so I could also spice up a black dress for another event with these shoes OR wear them with jeans during the summer months.

Here is another option I love. Again, they have the slight platform on the bottom and with this pair, it's the ankle strap that I really adore. And I know that the heel on this one is much higher and may

make for a more uncomfortable ceremony for me, but I really do love a tall heel. Yes, they can wear on your feet after a few hours, but they look so good before the pain sets in. And I honestly don't care that I'm already tall...I feel confident in heels so I wear them!

Needless to say, searching for shoes for my brother's wedding also led me to view several other styles that would be perfect for just everyday wear. Take these booties...I have been obsessed with booties ever since I saw J.Crew's bronson suede bootie. But since my budget doesn't even cover this $70 pair at DSW, there is no way it will include the $200 I would spend on the J.Crew brand. Plus, I think these are much better and they come in black suede just like the bronson's. Sold...at least in my fantasy shopping world.

For anyone who is label obsessed, I have also discovered a wonderful website. It's called renttherunway.com. Here is a place where you can look up designer dresses, jewelry, and accessories, rent them for a few days, and then return them after your event for only a fraction of the price. It's a pretty good idea. Awesome if you have the money for it and want to wear a designer label. However, the lowest rental price for dresses is $50, which is usually how much I would expect to spend on a new dress anyway, except that you can't keep it. I did some "fantasy shopping" on this website as well and here are three of my faves.

The first two are different versions of the same Nicole Miller dress. I LOVE the straps, the neckline, the cut, and the open back. The last one is Mark & James by Badgley Mischka. I love how unique and sparkly this one is...I've always loved sparkle! I actually have another wedding to attend this spring in Chicago so maybe I will take advantage of this rental service. Could be fun to wear a designer dress and feel like Carrie Bradshaw for a day!

I really do love looking at new things, discovering new trends, and the enjoyment I get from dressing up and feeling good about myself OR dressing someone else up and watching them feel good about themselves. Sometimes it's just fun to feel girly and pretend to have money to throw around, even if it is just in my imagination. I hope you enjoyed my "fantasy shopping" experience just now. It's as if we're living like Carrie Bradshaw...just a bit on the cheaper side. :-)

The Bachelor, Week 5

First, thank you Chris Harrison for not wearing the same outfit this week in a different color. However, I did wonder if maybe that was just because he didn't have time to get dressed at the beginning of the episode and instead, threw on a pair of jeans with his pajama top. C'mon Chris! Second, I LOVE the dress that Shawntal picked out on her shopping spree extravaganza. If anyone knows where I could find a fake Fendi dress like that for normal person prices, please let me know. I'm going to a wedding this spring and I would love to wear that dress!

Honestly, this whole episode I kept thinking, "What to say...what to say." Most of the girls have definitely already flared their crazy sides, but I gotta say that they are holding their own pretty well. Even Michelle is keeping Brad in her crazy circle pretty well. Who knows why. I guess I could analyze Shawntal's profession and how weird it seems that she is so passionate about dead people. But, I actually thought it was kind of endearing...creepy though it may be.

But what about the situation with Emily? To me, she seems like the most mature woman in the group and the one woman who Brad seems to pursue the most. I think that she is definitely handling the whole situation well, but she also still has quite an attachment to her late fiance. Obviously, Emily had a very strong and beautiful relationship with her first love and that is hard to let go of. Even after six years. I truly hope that Emily can build Brad up enough to let him know that while her fiance will always be a part of who she is, that Brad can also be an important piece of her life. And I hope that Brad is able to understand that aspect of Emily. If I were a couples counselor for the two of them, I would encourage Brad to allow Emily to continue to grieve the loss of that relationship so that she might move forward with him. And I would encourage Emily to find ways to remind Brad of how much he means to her and how he has his own special place in her heart, regardless of her past. If Emily doesn't build Brad up and if Brad has a tough time continuing to allow Emily to process through her past relationship to move forward with him, then it would be really tough for the two of them to make it beyond the romance of the show.

I also have to say that I felt badly for Ashley S. It broke my heart a little to hear her say that she felt as though there wasn't any fight in her anymore. I know what that feels like for sure! From the little information that we know about her, it does seem like she has been through it in her life lately. I also felt badly because from the perspective that the show gave us, it seemed as though Ashley S thinks that she always has to work so hard in relationships. I can also relate to this statement as I always feel as though I have to work hard in relationships as well. Or maybe I just haven't met the right guy yet who will work in our relationship on his own without much prompting from me. Either way, I hope that Ashley S finds someone who lets her know that there isn't anything wrong with her and that when it is truly right, that he won't let her work hard to get his attention because she'll already have it.

Well, I guess that's all from me this week. Besides the drama with Emily and the two-on-one date, it was kind of a boring episode I thought. Hopefully next week will bring some good stuff as Chris Harrison billed it as "the most dramatic Bachelor season ever." Of course, aren't they all the most dramatic season ever? :-)

Have a great week and stay warm and dry out of winter weather.

the acceptance of anger

A few days ago I published a post on anger and then a few hours after posting, I deleted it. I didn't delete it because I didn't want those thoughts out there, but because I don't think it accurately expressed exactly what I was trying to get across. On the blogging scale of emotional expression, it I felt that it was more of a rant than a discussion on my experience of the emotion of anger. I don't want to rant. I do, however, wish to put out there my thoughts on the acceptance of anger.

As I said before (if you read it before I deleted it), I have been feeling angry lately and recently discussed with a good friend of mine the topic of being ok with being angry at the world just because life feels unfair. That discussion got me thinking. Sure, I feel spoiled because lately I have felt pretty angry about the direction my life hasn't taken and the direction that I wish it would take, but if I didn't allow myself to feel that anger, wouldn't that be even more unhealthy than expressing that anger?

I'm curious why it is that we as a society put anger in the "negative" emotion side of things. Sure, it's not fun to feel angry or to have someone be angry at you, but anger is still an emotion and if we didn't allow ourselves to feel it, well, we'd just become bitter all the time and dwell on whatever it was that triggered our anger in the first place. Or, I once heard in my masters program that depression is often anger turned inward. So maybe we would all walk around being depressed. Either way, not feeling and dealing with the anger and the reason for it does not produce positive results. It may feel negative to experience anger, but not experiencing it is even more negative. If this is true, then why shy away from it and feel shame in expressing it? Even if it is for the simplest reasons.

Right now, it's true that I am angry about my relational status. I'm not ranting about how I'm entitled to a marriage and I'm not some bitter single 30 something woman either. I'm just flat out upset that my story isn't different and that it isn't what I had hoped it to be. Mostly, my anger stems from this feeling that it's unfair that some of my friends and family get to celebrate the joys and experiences of being married and planning a life and a family with someone while I am still waiting. I'm not angry at those I care about nor do I think that I'm more deserving than they are. They are very deserving and I am so joyful to celebrate with them at their weddings and when they have children. I am just tired of asking God for this one thing and always celebrating for someone else and never getting to experience it for myself. It makes me angry at God because it feels like God isn't listening and doesn't care that I desire this piece of life to exist in my own life so much. I don't hate God by any means and I haven't shut God out of my life or stopped worshipping God for all the many ways God has truly and deeply blessed my life. I sometimes feel ungrateful because I still desire this one thing, but that's just not true. I am very grateful for many things in my life. I just don't understand this one piece. And it makes me kind of angry about it.

Three months ago, I was in a relationship with someone that I loved very much. But our lives just weren't going in the same direction anymore. Even if I had found a way to move to be near him, I think our own desires for what we wanted in our future lives were different, no matter how we may have tried to convince ourselves otherwise. I guess I could say to myself that I don't have to be single. I could tell myself that I was with a man who wanted to marry me and I'm angry because I did this to myself. But that's just not true. I wanted it to work with him very much and I worked hard at our relationship for a long time. But I truly believe that it wasn't me and that it wasn't him but it just wasn't God's best for each of us. Or maybe we were amazing for each other, but there are still life lessons for each of us to learn. I'm not saying that we'll get back together, just that I believe that God sometimes brings relationships into our lives to grow us into the mature people God desires us to be. I'm upset that this relationship wasn't the one I had been hoping it would be, but I don't regret all that the relationship was or that I ended it. I'm a stronger woman for it, despite, and maybe because of, not having the fairy tale ending I had thought it would have.

A wise woman once told me that if I was angry at God, that I should hold God's feet to the fire because if anyone can handle my anger, God can. I truly believe that. I do believe that one day (hopefully sooner rather than later) God will answer this prayer and I will get to experience all the things my heart desires. But right now, I'm just kind of angry about how this piece of my life didn't turn out the way I wish that it would have. That may make me sound a bit like a spoiled child, but it is truly how I feel about it. I'm not looking for people to feel sorry for me and comfort me in it. Sure, those things feel nice when you're angry about something, but it's not why I'm sharing this. I'm sharing it because I truly believe that this anger is just a piece of my journey in this area of my life. I don't plan to dwell on being angry or letting myself stay in this place for forever. But if I don't find acceptance of my anger with myself and with God, then how can I expect to resolve it and come to terms with life the way that it is? And who better to help me deal with this anger than God.

As I said at the beginning, it was a discussion with a good friend about allowing yourself to feel angry about the unfairness of life that brought on my thoughts for this blog. Honestly, I think it's a healthy perspective. Even if it's mundane and you're just angry because it's unfair that you have to work while everyone else gets a snow day. Maybe instead of ignoring it and telling ourselves that it's ridiculous to feel angry over such a small thing, we should allow ourselves to feel it so that we can recognize it for what it is and then be able to move on with our days and our lives. For me that means to accept that I am kind of angry about my singleness right now. Some day I'll feel at peace about it again and I'll have a deeper relationship with God for going through it. But without acceptance first, I'll never be able to experience the peace I truly long for.

let it snow?

Well, here I am sitting at home during another snow day. This is the third one in the past two weeks. That means

three less days of payment. Grrrr. On the plus side, the snow is pretty and it allows me to relax a bit. Today, I slept in, watched a good movie after a big breakfast, and took a bubble bath while listening to some quality music by Andrew Belle. Of course, I also went for a run on the treadmill and spent an hour shoveling my car out of the snow. But it balances out. Tonight I plan on watching TV (new Bones...yay!) and drinking a beer with dinner. I am grateful for the positive of having an unexpected day off because both of my jobs are in schools. I suppose one day I may not be so lucky.

I am enjoying work though. I began my part-time gig at The Children's Home of Cromwell this week. I am a one-to-one aide for an 8th grade student at their onsite school called the Learning Center. I am there for 2.5 hours M-F. So far, my student has only shown up for one of the three days that I have been there. She seems like a very sweet girl and I'm excited to get to know her. My one goal with her (for now) is to improve her motivation to be in school. Clearly, it's low. If she comes tomorrow, then she will have been to two days of school this whole week. Granted, it has been snowing practically all week, but the other day students made it there so hopefully my student will begin to come too.

Since she hasn't been there, I've been hanging out in the classroom getting to know the other students and my fellow staff members. These are tough kids. They have experienced more emotional traumas in their short lifetimes than I may ever experience. But already, I like them. I know that there will be hard days ahead and that this is only the beginning, but I feel as though I could really work with these kids. I'm not quite sure what I have to offer them yet, but I know that I'll figure it out. And I'm very excited to get to know my specific student and discover what her story is. Next week I have training all week so I won't get much time with her then, but hopefully she'll come to school tomorrow and I can begin to build a rapport with her.

My after-school job has continued to go well and the students are in a "settling" stage. This is when they begin to push their boundaries a bit. The newness of having an after school program and meeting new leaders has begun to wear off and now the students want to see how far they can push us to go. I would say that my team is holding up pretty well. This is a tough stage as you still want to build relationships with the kids, but you have to set your boundaries so they know how far they can go. Personally, I get pretty strict at this point. I don't set extreme consequences, but I follow through immediately with what I say and I let the kids know that I'm not intimidated by them and that I won't put up with anything. It is hard to do since I would much rather spend time getting to know them and joking around with them, but it is necessary. I will be glad when this stage is over and we can all loosen up a bit around each other.

So that's the update for now. Hopefully, I will be back at work tomorrow and there won't be anymore snowstorms for a little while. Truly, I don't mind the snow and I would much rather have snow on the ground all winter than have it be gray and brown all the time. It makes for a much prettier New England landscape...don't you think?