the acceptance of anger

A few days ago I published a post on anger and then a few hours after posting, I deleted it. I didn't delete it because I didn't want those thoughts out there, but because I don't think it accurately expressed exactly what I was trying to get across. On the blogging scale of emotional expression, it I felt that it was more of a rant than a discussion on my experience of the emotion of anger. I don't want to rant. I do, however, wish to put out there my thoughts on the acceptance of anger.

As I said before (if you read it before I deleted it), I have been feeling angry lately and recently discussed with a good friend of mine the topic of being ok with being angry at the world just because life feels unfair. That discussion got me thinking. Sure, I feel spoiled because lately I have felt pretty angry about the direction my life hasn't taken and the direction that I wish it would take, but if I didn't allow myself to feel that anger, wouldn't that be even more unhealthy than expressing that anger?

I'm curious why it is that we as a society put anger in the "negative" emotion side of things. Sure, it's not fun to feel angry or to have someone be angry at you, but anger is still an emotion and if we didn't allow ourselves to feel it, well, we'd just become bitter all the time and dwell on whatever it was that triggered our anger in the first place. Or, I once heard in my masters program that depression is often anger turned inward. So maybe we would all walk around being depressed. Either way, not feeling and dealing with the anger and the reason for it does not produce positive results. It may feel negative to experience anger, but not experiencing it is even more negative. If this is true, then why shy away from it and feel shame in expressing it? Even if it is for the simplest reasons.

Right now, it's true that I am angry about my relational status. I'm not ranting about how I'm entitled to a marriage and I'm not some bitter single 30 something woman either. I'm just flat out upset that my story isn't different and that it isn't what I had hoped it to be. Mostly, my anger stems from this feeling that it's unfair that some of my friends and family get to celebrate the joys and experiences of being married and planning a life and a family with someone while I am still waiting. I'm not angry at those I care about nor do I think that I'm more deserving than they are. They are very deserving and I am so joyful to celebrate with them at their weddings and when they have children. I am just tired of asking God for this one thing and always celebrating for someone else and never getting to experience it for myself. It makes me angry at God because it feels like God isn't listening and doesn't care that I desire this piece of life to exist in my own life so much. I don't hate God by any means and I haven't shut God out of my life or stopped worshipping God for all the many ways God has truly and deeply blessed my life. I sometimes feel ungrateful because I still desire this one thing, but that's just not true. I am very grateful for many things in my life. I just don't understand this one piece. And it makes me kind of angry about it.

Three months ago, I was in a relationship with someone that I loved very much. But our lives just weren't going in the same direction anymore. Even if I had found a way to move to be near him, I think our own desires for what we wanted in our future lives were different, no matter how we may have tried to convince ourselves otherwise. I guess I could say to myself that I don't have to be single. I could tell myself that I was with a man who wanted to marry me and I'm angry because I did this to myself. But that's just not true. I wanted it to work with him very much and I worked hard at our relationship for a long time. But I truly believe that it wasn't me and that it wasn't him but it just wasn't God's best for each of us. Or maybe we were amazing for each other, but there are still life lessons for each of us to learn. I'm not saying that we'll get back together, just that I believe that God sometimes brings relationships into our lives to grow us into the mature people God desires us to be. I'm upset that this relationship wasn't the one I had been hoping it would be, but I don't regret all that the relationship was or that I ended it. I'm a stronger woman for it, despite, and maybe because of, not having the fairy tale ending I had thought it would have.

A wise woman once told me that if I was angry at God, that I should hold God's feet to the fire because if anyone can handle my anger, God can. I truly believe that. I do believe that one day (hopefully sooner rather than later) God will answer this prayer and I will get to experience all the things my heart desires. But right now, I'm just kind of angry about how this piece of my life didn't turn out the way I wish that it would have. That may make me sound a bit like a spoiled child, but it is truly how I feel about it. I'm not looking for people to feel sorry for me and comfort me in it. Sure, those things feel nice when you're angry about something, but it's not why I'm sharing this. I'm sharing it because I truly believe that this anger is just a piece of my journey in this area of my life. I don't plan to dwell on being angry or letting myself stay in this place for forever. But if I don't find acceptance of my anger with myself and with God, then how can I expect to resolve it and come to terms with life the way that it is? And who better to help me deal with this anger than God.

As I said at the beginning, it was a discussion with a good friend about allowing yourself to feel angry about the unfairness of life that brought on my thoughts for this blog. Honestly, I think it's a healthy perspective. Even if it's mundane and you're just angry because it's unfair that you have to work while everyone else gets a snow day. Maybe instead of ignoring it and telling ourselves that it's ridiculous to feel angry over such a small thing, we should allow ourselves to feel it so that we can recognize it for what it is and then be able to move on with our days and our lives. For me that means to accept that I am kind of angry about my singleness right now. Some day I'll feel at peace about it again and I'll have a deeper relationship with God for going through it. But without acceptance first, I'll never be able to experience the peace I truly long for.