the funny thing about hope

I have been thinking about hope lately. When I have it, I find that I feel happier and my heart feels lighter. I am more apt to praise God without effort and I can see how His faithfulness has seeped into every area of my life. When I have no hope, the opposite of all this is true. Life seems dark. God feels far away. Nothing seems like it will ever change. Hopeless.

But here's the funny thing about hope. When I feel hopeful, I think I am always waiting for the moment when I'm let down again and I slide back into hopelessness again. For the past few months, I have swung between the extremes of having hope and not having any. I can't seem to find a happy medium. And it's taking a toll on my soul. How can a woman hope for the best all the time when it's so hard to see that what she's hoping for is actually feasible?

Maybe it's my patience that needs a readjustment instead of my tendency to hope and constantly be let down by that hope. Patience is a virtue. Or so I'm told. I think I'm learning that it actually is. I pray for patience every day. I pray for a change of heart so that I won't long for things in my life that aren't yet so much. I want to appreciate what is right now and enjoy the blessings of this season. So why is it so hard to stop hoping for something that isn't?

I hope for the kids I work with. I hope for positive confirmation in my career. I hope for financial stability. I hope for the ability to afford to support myself again. I hope to fall in love again someday. I hope, I hope, I hope...

Waiting for the results is hard. Having patience is hard. Continually working to remain hopeful is hard. But I would rather think that all that I hope for is attainable and that today is just one day. Maybe today my hope was let down a bit and I feel a little hopeless and tired of being patient. But there's always tomorrow. A fresh day with no spots on it. And that's hope.

settling for the right thing

It has been a long week. In fact, it's been a long couple of weeks. Maybe a long couple of months. Next week I will not be working at CHOC but will instead be heading up a social skills camp for my old employer in West Hartford. Prior to obtaining my full time job, I had made a summer commitment for this camp and CHOC has allowed me the week off in order to work for the day camp. While there will be things that will be stressful about it (it was my idea and I'm running and planning the whole thing...AH!), I'm glad for the break. I haven't had a real break from the Children's Home since April and sometimes, you just need some time away. I will miss it for sure. I love working there. Even though there are things about working there that I'm still not sure about, one thing I am sure of is that it's where I'm supposed to be. It feels right.

I have lately been thinking a lot about how right my life feels. No, I don't want to live with my parents forever, but it feels like the right place for me to be living. No, I didn't ever want to move back to Connecticut, but it feels like the right place for me to be. No, I didn't exactly envision myself as in charge of discharge planning for Autistic boys, but it's the right job for me. And no, I didn't want to turn 32 as a single woman, but it's exactly the right season of life for me. All these things that if you took it in a different perspective, could be seen as settling for something. But I'm not. I feel settled, but I'm not settling for these things in my life. I'm excited and I'm trusting in God's provision for me and in God's guidance for my life.

On my way home from work today, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the scenery is here. I was driving through New Englandy towns and watching the sun go down over green hills and letting the eastern summer air blow through my windows. Being here feels like it fits me. And I fit being here. For so long I have always lived in places with one foot in and one foot out...always knowing that some day I would probably move on from that place. But now, I don't have that anymore. Now, I can just stay. I can settle a bit.

There are, of course, still things in my life that don't feel settled. I haven't found a church where I truly feel like I fit yet. I have some friends around here, but I have found that it's hard to build friendships like the ones that I already have. It takes time and effort and patience to reconnect with and find those kinds of friends. I know that I will find these things, but it will just take time.

I also have been feeling very settled in being a single woman. In fact, I have even found myself enjoying it a bit. Wow. How's that for unexpected? I went on a date earlier this week (my first 'first date' in over two years) and I found that I could in fact enjoy myself, figure out whether or not I was interested, and then be assertive, genuine, and nice about letting him know that I wasn't interested in more than a friendship. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for going because I usually know right away whether I'm interested in a person or not. I am interested in knowing this person, but there are things about him that I already know would not make a good relationship for me. But, I went, had a good time, and yes, it did stink a little to deflate his ego, but it was ok. I'm ok and he's probably ok too...albeit a little disappointed. For a while I was scared that I would just settle for some guy who liked me because I was too afraid to be lonely for the rest of my life. But I know that is not true. I value myself and my happiness too much to do that. I feel like I'm ready to be in a relationship that opens my heart, is real, and that could be settled. But I know that I won't settle for the wrong thing. At this moment, I'm content to enjoy life as it is and continue to pray that the right guy will be there in God's perfect timing. It is also sufficient to note that for the first time in a long time I don't feel as though God messed up in this area of my life. Instead, I feel peaceful in the reminder that God's timing is perfect, even if it doesn't look the way I thought that it would.

So, I'm settling. I'm settling into my life here in Connecticut, my new job, and my life as a woman in her 30s. I continue to be surprised by how things have continued to work out and develop in my life. I'm excited to experience more. And I know that this is the right place for me.

what a difference a year makes...

I think there are two times a year when I reflect on the past year. New Years and my birthday. So really, I'm reflecting on life about every 6 months. But, I include the whole year both times. Hmmm...maybe I should reevaluate this habit...

As I'm thinking about turning 32 tomorrow, I once again fall into the thought pattern of "this is so not where I thought I would be at my age!" This thought pattern is never healthy. It will inevitably end in fits of tears and perhaps a few empty wine glasses. However, I have found myself thinking lately that I feel as though I'm right where I should be.

Wow. That's new.

I still want all the things I thought I would have in my life at 32. I just find myself feeling ok about not having them yet. Hope has started to peek through the curtains of negativity and the sun is making a beam of light into my life. I still don't have any promise that I will eventually get to experience all the life markers I both jealously and joyously have watched many of my friends experience. But I feel hope that my turn may still come.

Of course, as soon as I wrote that, the tears began to well up in my eyes and the lies began to speak in my head again about how I gave up all hope of ever having the life I wanted after my last relationship ended. But now, I know that's not true and it's easier to ignore the lies. A year ago, I thought God had cursed me to always live a life that was hard and painful and never have the things I desired. I don't truly believe in a God that is mean. It felt like God was mean back then. But, God isn't mean. I believe in a God who loves me and who gives me free will to make my own choices. And I believe in a God who will love me no matter which choices I make. But...that doesn't mean that my choices will make me happy. And a year ago, I was making choices that were making me feel unhappy.

Since last July, I have made choices that I'm happy with. I took control of my life a little bit and began to trust that the intuition God gave me to choose what I wanted to choose were in fact, choices God had in mind for me. Learning to trust in God has certainly been a theme in my life this past year. I feel as though all of the decisions I've made about my life this past year have been ones where I couldn't see how the outcome would be positive. In retrospect, I am very happy with all the major decisions I made for my life this past year. Sure, there is a lot of pain associated with a break up, relocating, and starting over. But going through all that has brought me out as a stronger and more faithful woman. I feel more assured of myself, who I am, what I desire for my life, and strong enough to keep going with each day. I don't regret a single decision I made in the past year of my life.

I look at where I was last year on my birthday and I know that I had tangible pieces that fit into what I wanted in my life. Looking back, it feels like they were the pieces to someone else's puzzle and I was cheating myself by not making room for the right pieces to my life-puzzle. In my annual birthday reflection, I'm realizing that the pieces in my life at this moment are the right ones. While the picture they're making is an unexpected one, I'm realizing that it suits me, who I am, and what I (and God) desire for my life. Without having all the answers yet, I am happy with the answers God has revealed to me thus far. Life is good.

I'm excited to see what this next year of life brings for me. On every birthday I'm always hopeful that this year of life will be the year that the experiences I dream of and pray for will happen for me. Maybe they will. Maybe not. Either way, I know I'll be ok. And I know that God hears me, God is faithful to me, and God loves me. Regardless of the choices I will make. After the past year, I know that I trust God with those choices more than ever before. That, in itself, is hope enough for me.

My heart is steadfast, O God,

my heart is steadfast!

I will sing and make melody!

For your steadfast love is great to the

heavens,

your faithfulness to the clouds.

~Psalm 57:7 & 10

finding balance

Well, it's begun. My new job that is. It has been a whirlwind of a month! I have been swinging between three jobs, trying to finish well at two and start well at the third. But now, after three weeks of ten hour days, long training sessions, and after-school program dramas, I am officially the Community Clinical Care Coordinator at The Children's Home of Cromwell (CHOC). Oh, and I guess I'm still a retail therapist consultant on the side...can't give up that J. Crew discount!

After three days, there isn't much to tell. My job mostly deals with discharge plans and family support for our clients. Since we only just got our first two kids on Monday, there hasn't been much for me to do directly with my job. I do have a lot of research to do about community resources and I have a lot to learn about the clinical aspect of working at CHOC...or the clinical aspect of anything really. I have received a lot of positive support from the people I'm working and consulting with directly saying that I am the perfect person for this job and that I will do well. That is always positive to hear, especially when I am pioneering this particular position and there really isn't anyone to mentor me in to it. I really am excited to be leading the way in this area and I am passionate about what my job will be doing. I think that residential treatment facilities are great for helping kids get the support they need while in residence. But, once the kids leave, there isn't much support for them when they're on their own. My job is to now become that post-discharge support. And to provide their families with support and resources to support them. It is a job that I will be glad to take on and hopefully make this standard protocol in discharge plans. It will take time for all of us to figure out where I fit in, but it's a new program and like anything new, we will need that time to iron it all out.

I am so glad and excited and blessed to have this job opportunity. This prayer request has been answered and for that I am so grateful and I know that God led me in this direction. But lately, my life has felt so out of balance. I have a job, but I'm missing several key components to bring healthy balance to my life. All I have been doing the past month is work. Sure, there were also two weddings in there and visits to friends and time with family, all of which were wonderful. But I don't have a regular church community to be a part of when I'm not working. Or even a friend community in the area. Yes, I have some great friends in the area, but it's tough to find friends who are my age and also in the same season of life as I am. Being almost 32, most of my friends are now married, have babies, or both. And that doesn't mean that we can't be friends of course, but just that it's been tough to find a community of people who still want to go out on a Friday night without having to get a babysitter or check with their significant other. Truthfully, if I had met the right person already, I would maybe rather be in that season of life myself. But I'm just not.

It's probable that finding a good church community will help with me finding a good community of friends who are in the same season of life as myself. But, finding a church where I feel as though I could be a part of their ministry with a community of young and single adults is tough to find. I think this is so sad. There are several good churches in this area. But many of them minister to married couples and families. Where are all the good ministries for people who are in the same season as I am? Just as my life feels unbalanced, this feels unbalanced in the church. If anything, this is an area that churches should be truly reaching out to. Who else has the time, energy, and money to devote to serving their God? Didn't Paul make a point of saying that when you are single, you have more opportunities to serve? And of course, maybe many people my age are just like me. They don't feel like they fit so they don't go to church. I will say that I have found one church with a thriving single adult community and I could participate in their activities more. I have been out with the group, participated in Sunday School, and made one friend that I have gotten together with a few times. But I have a hard time agreeing with some things the pastor says from the pulpit at that church so it's hard to convince myself to stay there just for the community of people my own age.

I don't mean this to be a rant or a long complaint about being single or about not feeling like I fit in any of the churches I've seen so far. All this just continues to perpetuate the feeling of unbalance in my life. I know that God led me home to Connecticut with purpose and a plan. My God would not bring me here just to abandon me. I know one day it will all figure itself out, the same way my job will. But for now, I'm just looking for a little balance.

great is God's faithfulness...

For many of you, this is repeat news. But I wanted to post it here on my blog as well. I am just so excited!!!

After praying for full-time work for over a year, the pieces have finally fit together for me to have full-time work. This interview came up very quickly. I applied for the job last Friday, they called me on Tuesday, I interviewed Thursday, and I have the job today!

My technical position title is Community Care Clinical Coordinator at The Children's Home of Cromwell. I have been working there since January as a part-time one-to-one aide for an eighth grade student. I have enjoyed working at CHOC and it was actually my first choice of agency to work for when I moved to Connecticut. To actually have the opportunity to work there full-time is just another answer to prayer. The position is a part of a new program beginning this summer at CHOC for adolescent boys with autism and pervasive developmental disorders. Essentially, my position is to ensure that the follow up care provided after the boys are discharged is a seamless a transition as possible. I assess the family environment prior to discharge and I make sure the clinical plans are written in language that the family can understand. I research therapeutic care possibilities within the client's community and ensure that it would be a good fit for the current plan. I will also provide some case management for each client as needed. I'm sure there are many more responsibilities that I will pick up, but that is the basic gist of my position.

I am salaried, I have benefits, and the agency will provide me with supervision so that I can begin to earn my clinical hours toward my professional counselors license. It really is a good deal for both myself and the agency as once I earn my license, I would be able to serve them in other ways as well.

I am literally just so amazed at how faithful God is right now. I have spent the last year wondering what God has been wanting to do with my degree and my life. In that, my faith and trust in God has truly grown. I have been less of a planner and controller of things that I want to happen and instead have really begun to pray on them and take ownership of myself and of who God created me to be, trusting that it would all come together in God's good timing. I thought that I would want to up and move to Boston or New York as soon as I could, but instead, I'm finding that I just want to stay in Connecticut. I feel so at peace with staying here and working in this position right now. It truly is amazing because I really thought that I would never get to this point again. But here I am. And all I can think about is how faithful God is and how much He loves me. That God has been faithful this whole time and that it has been all in God's good timing for everything to come to fruition. God is so very good.

Thank you for all the ways that you have been in my life over the last few years as I have transitioned from Chicago to Colorado and now to Connecticut. I am so excited to continue on in this next season of life. I hope that life is going well for each of you and I would love to hear about the blessings in your own lives.

Have a wonderful weekend!

joyfully empty

Not too long ago, I was talking with one of my best friends over the phone and we briefly touched upon the subject of the price of gas. And how ridiculous it is. Seriously, I could drop about $50 just to fill my little Honda Civic! This made me think of how in high school I wouldn't want to spend a lot of money to fill the family van up, so I would fill it up about $5 worth and then pray that the van would make it all the places I needed it to go on just that. In fact, I knew how long the needle could be sitting on "empty" before I really needed to fill it up again. I haven't been that adventurous with my gas gauge since then, but I was an expert at it back then. With prices the way they are, I've been wondering if I should be more of an expert on how far I can go on "empty".

As I was falling asleep last night, I realized that this is a great analogy for how I've been feeling lately. I feel as though I have been seeing how long I can drive around on the road of life on "empty". Not that I'm not happy...I have been happy lately and I've had many happy moments. But just that I've felt as though I don't have that much to give out to others. I can recall a time in my life when many of the things that I did were of a giving nature. I gave of my time to events at school, I participated on the worship team at church, and I volunteered for several things. But lately, all I've had is enough energy to make it through the day-to-day. Not that there is anything wrong with this season of life, but just that it was an interesting realization for me. In fact, I think this is a good thing for me. I am, by nature, a giving person. I give my time, my self, gifts, and I do my best to be thoughtful and keep in touch with those close to my heart. So this feeling of being empty and stripped of all that used to be how I defined myself is actually...freeing.

I have wondered lately if God has stripped away all the things I used to think defined me with great purpose in mind. Now, there is a blank canvas to work with. Now, God can rub hands together and say, "It's time to get to work. I can do something with this!" And I truly feel like this is what is happening.

When I originally left Connecticut as an 18-year old and eager teenager, I was convinced I would never move back here. There never was anything wrong with Connecticut, but I felt so restricted here. So I took off for the big city of Chicago and there I was able to grow and develop into a God-fearing/loving/serving individual with a heart for kids and a love for life. I grew in my relationships and learned so many valuable life lessons. I became a city girl and loved it. Then I moved to Colorado to finally pursue a career path that I was happy and excited about. In Colorado, I grew up. I feel like it was there that I crossed into womanhood. I learned to let go of expectations and just let life wash over me. I learned to take things as they come and think outside of the box. I learned to let God surprise me. And then, I wanted to come home. For a long time I wanted that. So I did. I went home.

When I first got here, I thought being home would be temporary. I was eager to be a city girl again. I still am in a way. I still crave having diversity and serving children in lower socioeconomic systems. But I have found that I am growing to love living in Connecticut. There is still the possibility that something will come up somewhere and I'll take off for Boston or New York. For now, I am starting to feel settled. I am starting to find joy in being here and hope for a future here.

I of course have no idea what strokes God will paint next on that great white canvas. But I'm enjoying seeing the first few strokes of bright color to reflect the hope and joy that are slowly creeping back into the emptiness.

"...for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure."

~Philippians 2:13

for the sake of the harvest

Yesterday was one of those days. You know the kind. The days where something upsetting or stressful happens and just when you think you're not going to break, one more set-back ignites the flame of frustration, anger, and feeling like a failure.

Yesterday it was my job. Something was in the air from the moment I walked in the door. My class has art first thing in the morning and my one-to-one student didn't want to go. She usually does enjoy going to art, so I tried to reason with her to go. I said she had to go to get credit. She protested. I reiterated the fact that she would get a zero for art that day if she didn't go. She became angry and it was all over from that point on. I did my best to give her space while she was angry. She kicked walls, told me not to follow her, shut a door in my face and then proceeded to stand against it so I couldn't open it. And that was just my student. In other news, there was a water fight which resulted in lunch detention and consequently loud protests from the students involved. Needless to say, I was exhausted when I got home.

When I did get home, I felt like a failure. I felt like I had been working so hard to build positive relationships with these students and suddenly, no matter what I said or did, nothing was good enough. When my student was angry with me, I felt so frustrated and ill-equipped to know what to do or say. I so badly want to be a safe space for her and I felt as though I had ruined it just by doing my job. During the water fight, I didn't know what to do. Should I stop it? Should I let someone else handle it? What do I say to students who don't always care what I say in the first place? These feelings of inadequacy fell hard on my heart and I began to feel as though all the good I thought I had been doing was for nothing. I had failed.

Because of that one feeling of failure at my job, everything else suddenly became exaggerated and I lost it. Fortunately, my dad was home and was able to lend an ear for me to vent for a bit. That certainly helped. He was able to remind me that I'm not alone. I'm not the only person in the world struggling vocationally, struggling with feeling alone and misunderstood, struggling with transition.

One thing that has helped in my transition is a Beth Moore Bible study I have been participating in. There are four of us going through this study together. Two women live in Chicago and one in upstate New York. It has been so wonderful to be able to connect with these women on a spiritual level, even though we are so far apart. Our Bible study together has been intense and has definitely helped me to take a good look at my relationship with God and how deeply I truly believe in God and God's good and perfect will for my life. This is especially difficult when life seems to be so far from how I envisioned it would be by the time I reached my 30s. My work with these ladies and in this Bible study has challenged me and taken me deeper into relationship with God with every day, no matter how difficult the work to get there may be.

Usually, I do my Bible study homework in the morning. However, today I did not have time to truly dig into the homework I had waiting for me. As I quickly ate my breakfast, I glanced over at my worksheets and noticed the daily Bible verse in the margin of my reading for the day.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galations 6:9

Last night, I had raised up all my concerns about work to God and here was an immediate salve to my doubtful heart. Whether or not I see it every day, I am doing good with these students. Yes, it can be weary work, but it is good work. During my continued transition, I have seen God so specifically in areas of my life just when I need to see God. Today was one of those days. I needed to see God in order to return to work with a positive attitude and see what it is that God has for me there. I do not want to give up on my students. They matter to God and they matter to me.

Yesterday, on my way out of work, I stopped in HR to ask what I needed to do to apply for a full-time position. Once I was armed with the proper information, I asked myself "Is this what I really want?". I quit teaching to go into counseling for the express purpose of being able to work more closely with the students who need emotional attention. Of course, I didn't see myself in this specific role, but I do enjoy getting to know the students and hearing their stories. I desire to be a positive force in their lives, even if it is a small role. Most days, my specific student isn't so defiant or angry with me. Most days, she is sweet and seems to enjoy her time with me. Sometimes the hard days make the really good days all that much more of a gift and a reward for my hard work.

I do love these students. I know that so many others have given up on them. But I won't. I have no idea how long I will be at this school or with these specific students, but I will not give up on them as long as our paths cross. I also know that perhaps the harvest is the next step on the career path God has me on. Whatever the next step for me is, I know that my good work with these students is preparing me to take on the next thing. I don't see this job as just a resume builder...I see it as a piece of my calling coming to fruition. I could be there long term or I could be moved on to a place where I'm needed more. Either way, I am excited to continue doing good in whatever capacity God has for me in order for the reaping to be bountiful. In both my life and in the lives of my students.

Today was a better day. My specific student was absent today so I wasn't able to repair my relationship with her. However, I was able to connect more with the other students in my assigned classroom. Throughout the course of the day, I was calm and firm with them. I know that I couldn't have done any of that without God's help to overcome the weariness of yesterday. God is good.

As I was leaving, one of my students asked to see which car was mine. I told her it was too far away to see from where we were. She responded by saying that she wanted to know so that she could slash my tires so that I wouldn't have to leave in the middle of the day. She liked having me around. This from a student who last week called me a few choice words to my face. I must be doing good somewhere.